Do you think it's a good idea to pool money together and live with my Mum?

[Jennypenny234]

My Mum and I were chatting about how we'd both love to have a detached bungalow, and she suggested we sell our houses and buy one between us, we'd ensure we had our own separate living rooms and bathrooms for space, but I'd feel better knowing I'm near her if she needs me, and Mum would also feel happier, has anyone done this?

We both own our homes outright, both are happily single, but Mum's 81 and I wouldn't want her to go into a nursing home, and she definitely doesn't want that either. I'd be happy to care for her if I possibly can as she gets older, and on paper it sounds a good idea for us to combine money from our assets.

I don't know what the implications could be though if Mum became eventually too poorly for me to look after and she needed to be in a home (hopefully it wouldn't come to that), could we be made to sell our new home to pay for her care?

Got to go out now, thank you for all the responses, there's so much to think about!

It wouldn't sit right with me if I was to live in a very nice bungalow (after pooling money together) and it got to a point where my Mum couldn't safely live with me and needed to be in a home, but she was left to go into basic care because there were no funds to support her.
She'd need to leave money aside in case it came to that, although I've no idea how much on average nursing home costs are, I imagine they're a few thousand a month.

I think the biggest stumbling block to this plan would be finding a bungalow with two bathrooms as I don't think that's common.

But seeing as you have two houses to sell, you could possibly afford to add an extension or ensuite to get over this?

You might think differently about being willing to care for her if she developed dementia - it can be a nightmare to live with. (Speaking from experience here)

In that case, if a care home was eventually needed, I suspect that there would be an investigation into Deprivation of Assets. I don’t think it would matter a jot that your main intention had never been to avoid care home fees.

No.

It worked out really well for my friend, 50, long term single and happy and her widowed mum, 80.
We love having her mum around for various group events. She rocks up, stays for a bit, does her own thing, she's just lovely and it bring different energy, just like teens dropping by. Feels really warm.

They share a kitchen, my friend gets home from work to a meal or a decent snack and they have hens.

Sometimes they holiday together, sometimes not.
It's worked out really well for them and us since they have a slightly bigger property, together than when both were squeezed in to separate tiny houses.

I wish my own mum was as cool and lovely as my friends - she has always been sparky, easy going woman. That doesn't change with age.

on average between £1500 and £2k a week

Investigating deprivation of assets does happen but two adults deciding to buy a house together because they think they could live a better life that way is not deprivation of assets. Also any sensible person looking at budgets would understand that a family member being on the spot typically reduces care needs and therefore care costs quite significantly.

I did this with my Dad 11 years ago. I had a 3 bedroom detached with land and he extended it to a 5 bed with 2 extra sitting room with about 1/4 of the money from the house. He has a small side of the house with 2 sitting rooms and a bathroom. One sitting room faces the garden and has separate access to it. He has a small kitchen. He has the big bedroom with the en-suite. I have 4 bedrooms. The 2nd one he had added is also a good size so I'm in there! I also have a big open plan living area about 25 square metre and a good sized study. We have separate front doors but our living rooms interconnect and we share the stairs.
it's had it's challenges particularly when the kids were at home but since Covid I've been grateful to have him here. I see him nearly every day and as we both get older the time is precious. I have 3 siblings, it was all agreed up front with them and they love him bring with me. I am a nurse and I intend to retire in 5 years and hopefully when the time comes will be able to support him to live at home till he dies.
I would advise having independent space and future proofing. We did it in a way which will accommodate wheelchairs/ hoists / downstairs living but designed so when the times comes and it's just me here, the house will look like a family house. Some frustrations in the beginning but no regrets now

hopefully she wont need to go to a home if you can care for her.
otherwise it does seem unfair that her money will be lost and not spent on her

Well that's where a crystal ball would be very handy. I think you are underestimating the cost of care. MIL was in a nursing home (because she could not be cared for safely at home) which cost about £1800 per week, so £7200 per month. She was there for 4.5 years, fully-funded, so a cost to the taxpayer of £421,200 or thereabouts in total.

It wouldn't sit right with me if I was to live in a very nice bungalow (after pooling money together) and it got to a point where my Mum couldn't safely live with me and needed to be in a home, but she was left to go into basic care because there were no funds to support her.

If it came to that, and you genuinely were willing to give up your home so that your mum's assets can be spent on care, there would be nothing to stop you selling up, dividing the money and using her half to pay for care (assuming that you own as tenants in common, 50% ownership each, and you have POA to handle her assets and she's either lost capacity, or agrees to the sale).

What happens if she gets to the point where she really needs someone to be looking out for her all the time, would you be happy to not be able to go out without planning a carer.

When you get older and your cognition etc starts to deteriorate the person who was your lovely mum might not be so lovely, so they might be continually critical of you, ordering you about, moody, rude to your friends etc.

If your mum is in her 80s critical thing to get into place is POA

There you go .

Typical Costs

• Residential care homes: Average weekly cost for self-funders is £1,143–£1,298, translating to roughly £5,200–£5,500 per month and £67,000–£68,500 per year
• 2
• .
• Nursing homes: More expensive, with an average weekly cost of £1,535, approximately £6,140 per month and £79,800 annually
• 1
• .
• Dementia care homes: Residential dementia care averages £1,343 per week, while nursing dementia care averages £1,564 per week, with annual costs ranging from £69,800 to £81,300
• 1
• .

We have someone who comes to support elderly relative, no personal care, more a welfare type check at the moment - £20 per hour.

I think your idea of putting enough for a good care home/care at home is a good one. Mums lovely care home is running at £70k pa but she has about £30k in pensions pa. I think the average stay is about 2 years.

It's actually far more likely that your mum will see out her days in her home, so don't get too caught up in the outrageous costs of care homes.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/birthsdeathsandmarriages/ageing/articles/olderpeoplelivingincarehomesin2021andchangessince2011/2023-10-09

Check with a solicitor, however when my mum and dad wrote their will it had a clause that, when the first of them died, the other would be entitled to live there for a peppercorn rent until their death or until they needed to go into care.

However if one had to go into care while the other was alive, the house could not be taken into account because it was the other could not be evicted from their own property. (Solicitor said that this was how the law worked, they didn't put this in the will)

I don't know how this translates to mother and daughter, so you should see a solicitor.

In my LA, and I thought it was nationally, the council won't take money for care from a home someone else is living in, so your home would be safe for as long as you chose to live there.
I'd do it if I was you.

Yes we could extend possibly

Glad it's worked out well for your friend, I get on well with my Mum and it'd be lovely if things worked out the same way for us

Blimey, I knew it was expensive but didn't realise just how expensive it is!

Have a look at what is actually available in the area you want to live in. There may not be any bungalows of the right size / shape for your plans as they're often small - 2-3 bedrooms and/or have had a loft converted to provide an extra bedroom so aren't bungalows anymore.

You may need a chunk of money for adapting the bungalow to eg. fit a wet room / make the doorways wider to allow for someone using a wheelchair indoors. Bungalows generally are more accessible than houses with stairs but the bungalow that's the right shape / size and in the right location for you two may need additional work doing to it to make it work for you.

Location re accessibility of public transport and shops and daytime activities for retired people (like U3A, lunch clubs, Trefoil Guild, WI, balance classes) is important.

Factor in that as you're 60 and your mum is 81 if your mum lives till she's 100, you'll be close to 80 and may well not want to move and/or may struggle to stay there if your mum dies at home.

Just FYI - you don't have to base the decision on whether or not you'd be happy to do personal care for your mum - if you had the finances you could pay for this aspect of caring and not the others, or the council could provide it and reclaim when you (if ever) sell the house yourself.

It just seems silly to us that we'd both like a bungalow and instead of buying two small ones, we could get a really nice one between us

That sounds great how you and your Dad have extended your home, you've both got your own space but are right there for each other.

Not technically true . A scenario - carers come in at 9am , wash and dress dm . They are due back at 1pm or even late afternoon / evening .
Dm becomes ill and vomits down herself and bedding or has a doubly incontinence accident and soils herself and bed at 10.30am . Are you saying you'd happily leave her for potentially several hours until the carer calls again ? I'm thinking no . Have you ever been in that situation ?