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Original poster

What is reasonable for a ‘guest’ to do

512 replies

WhyAreWeLikeThis · 24/01/2026 02:15

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

OP posts:
HalzTangz · 25/01/2026 22:27

No houseguest would be telling me to shush, kick to jerk out

TheDaysAreGettingLongerAgain · 25/01/2026 22:29

Ladysmirnoff1 · 25/01/2026 21:41

Change the locks and put his bags outside. This is your home not his. Call the police if he gives you trouble.

It's not that simple and your advice if followed could be dangerous to OP and her daughter.

emanresu3 · 25/01/2026 23:29

Get the locks changed. give him a moving out date and call the police if he won't go

Littlemisscapable · 25/01/2026 23:32

Haven't rtft sorry but speak to womans aid urgently tomorrow morning. This situation is untenable and crazy. You are all vulnerable. He has to leave but you need a plan and support.

InMyOodie · 25/01/2026 23:52

I can't understand why your daughter would ask you to take in a man who 'isn't allowed' to live with her. Has she no thought for your safety and her sister's? And you're afraid she won't let you see your grandchild otherwise?

Anyway, you need to get your ex husband to help you to turf this waster out and change the locks. He sounds like the sort who wouldn't listen to you on your own.

Sam9769 · 26/01/2026 00:00

MermaidMummy06 · 24/01/2026 02:17

Tell him to pack & go immediately. This person is rude, disrespectful and not your problem.

If your relative complains, tell them you don't want to hear their drama. To

Edited

This!

Redragtoabull · 26/01/2026 00:33

So, I saw your initial post and scrolled to write to you. I have no.clue what others have said.
Please re-read your post, you have someone in your home that your share with your adult daughter. This twat is telling you to 'shush', my rage can't take it, then they are getting deliveries to your door at 2am. FUCK NOOOOO! You have been handed this 'gift of a man' because the rest of your family are done with his broke ass, you are being played as a soft touch. GET HIM OUT!!

GwendolineFairfax8 · 26/01/2026 00:52

WhyAreWeLikeThis · 24/01/2026 04:37

I have had some amazing advice and I don’t think I’d have been so kind if I’d have seen a post like this

Not connected but I’ve been pretty vulnerable the last 6 months or so, 30 year marriage break up, dad with dementia, and fairly serious medical problem, so I’m definitely not feeling that tough, and I’m aware I’m being used

I feel like all of your replies have given me strength and I’m ready to say enough is enough now

thank you

My gosh you have been through the mill. Even though you know what you have to do it will not be easy but it needs to happen as you are being controlled. Been there and got the T Shirt. I wish I had acted sooner and more calmly than leaving it/excusing until I exploded. I realise now though it would only have gotten worse.

Illegally18 · 26/01/2026 01:04

WhyAreWeLikeThis · 24/01/2026 02:15

I’m struggling, and I’m aware I’m pathetic but I don’t know what’s normal.

I have a houseguest as a favour to a family member. This person is not related to me, and is not paying rent although sometimes picks up milk

I live here with my adult daughter (also not connected to him). It’s a quiet house in a quiet neighbourhood. Daughter works long hours and is in bed by 8 (playing the sims or animal crossing I think, but goes to sleep at ten). Im up much later

He is very noisy at night, he drinks a lot, smokes weed - not in my house but brings the smell in with him, he told me it was outdoor plants but I’ve lived here 20 years, I know what it is, and I know people don’t mind weed, but I hate it. Also he plays very loud shouty games with friends in the early hours, and gets takeaways delivered at 2am (doorbell wakes my daughter)

Ive just told him it’s unacceptable and he told me to shush.

My daughter won’t say anything to him because she hates confrontation. I don’t like it either obviously. She gets really angry with me

Person we’re doing the favour for has said she doesn’t want to hear my drama. If it wasn’t for this there would be no drama

I swing between thinking I'm overreacting and wanting him to leave immediately

I’m not used to houseguests apart from the kids having sleepovers when they were younger and I’m not naturally hospitable so genuinely don’t know what’s normal

Your house guest told you to 'shush'???????? In your own house???????

shiningstar2 · 26/01/2026 01:05

So ...you are helping out both your DD and her (ex) partner? Rent free and they are both being rude to you? He telling you to shush in your own house when you set out some ground rules for the great privilege he has in liking rent free in your home. She by telling you 'i don't want to hear your drama?
It is not your drama, you are being totally disrespected in their drama. To say that to you and then calmly tell you it might be until the summer - when you had only agreed until February - just telling you - not asking you??? That is totally disrespectful and taking advantage of you.
If they don't want to/can't live together ...of course it suits them to have you put up with this man rent free in your home. The fact that he is paying rent in the other household doesn't entitle him to free rent in yours ... especially the way he is behaving.
You have been amazingly helpful but you are being taken for granted. I get your anxiety about seeing your grandchild but surely your DD would not prevent you seeing him/her? I know you don't want to upset the applecart op but I do think you should terminate this arrangement at the original time of February at the very latest. I would also ask him for rent. He can afford it if he's regularly having take aways/weed/alcohol. Maybe he will leave more quickly if he isn't getting his lifestyle subsidised by you. 💐

Buffs · 26/01/2026 02:00

He absolutely needs to leave.

Billybea · 26/01/2026 07:20

Your house, your rules. Absolutely you're not being unreasonable! How dare he tell you to shush! He would be gone by now if it were me, totally unacceptable.

Lime47 · 26/01/2026 07:38

Tell your relative to take him under her wing!He's taken over your household already!

budlea64 · 26/01/2026 08:24

It's unbelievable that you've even allowed this to happen. Learn to say no for goodness sake.
I would have said I'm absolutely not having a person stay in my house for free. Or even if they paid if I didn't want it. Not as a favour to anyone. If the family member fell out with me so what.
You really need to get a backbone.
Kids your daughter's age do hate to see their parents having confrontations so tell him when she's not there. Tell him he has one week's notice to find another mug.

sophiasmithh · 26/01/2026 08:25

I think guests should just be considerate. Clean up after yourself, keep noise down, and respect the host’s routine. Helping out a bit goes a long way. If someone ignores basic manners or disrupts sleep, that’s not really fair.

Mum23plusC · 26/01/2026 08:41

Get him out!!! You are NOT over reacting. If your friend thinks it'sa drama tell her to put him up. Don't be bullied into a corner either about if he leaves he will be out on the streets, I think your friend has used you here. You're absolutely being taken for a ride. Its not fair on you, and its not fair on your daughter.

PeachyPeachTrees · 26/01/2026 08:46

Oct -Feb is a big ask, then the inevitable rolling onto summer and no guarantees then either, might stay a year if the GC threat is still dangling. In the mean time you fall out with your daughter who lives with you.
This isn't your drama. Tell him to leave by the weekend and don't be bullied. Don't let him back either.

Dawnb19 · 26/01/2026 08:49

I've got a feeling your 'friend' is just making him stay there so she can claim single benefits. More money for them. He will never move out unless you kick him out. He won't get any help from the council as he's already has a roof over he's head and he will also find it incredibly hard to find a private rent to rent for himself. He can go back to he's friends.

If he can afford weed he can afford to pay you rent but chooses not to. It works out better for you as now he has no right to any eviction notices. So get the locks changed, pack hes stuff and sit in the house with a few friends and when e comes back after he collects his stuff fom the doorstep don't let him in and if there is any trouble then phone the police.

Mrssnips · 26/01/2026 09:09

Just as an aside re: the Weed. I'm reliably informed by a police friend that if you were ever in a position where they found the plants and/or whatever he is smoking in your house you would have a hard time pleading ignorance.
He needs to go. Wait until he is out, have some friends come round to bag his stuff up and get the locks changed.

dh280125 · 26/01/2026 09:30

100% kick him the hell out. That's ridiculous.

BennyTheBadger · 26/01/2026 10:19

What a disrespectful, freeloading git. They need to leave immediately. The audacity to "shush" you in your own home! I would be on fire with rage

ferrisbeullersjacket · 26/01/2026 11:06

He told you to shush???!!!! Angry Get him out TODAY and change your locks!!

NavyTurtle · 26/01/2026 11:13

Never in a million years. I would pack his stuff in bin bags, leave it outside and change the locks. I would tell him I would be doing this as I would not want him coming back at 10.30 banging on the door. How dare he treat you like this - big girls pants and tell him to fuck the hell out of your life. You are only responsible for you and you daughter - do not be blackmailed into anything else. Mumsnet really needs to recruit an intervention posse for situations like this.

Ticktockwatchclock · 26/01/2026 11:27

I think @WhyAreWeLikeThis has checked out as no replies since page 2 on 24th January

soupyspoon · 26/01/2026 11:47

No updates from OP