Have parents given up parenting

[Dearparents]

So I was just watching some news.
And apparently their is a rise in reception school children, that 1 in 4 children are not potty trained ,can't eat or drink independently and try to swipe pages in books.

Some parents are saying it's down to the teachers to teach these thing's.

Most say it's because their child has some sort of SEN.

It got me thinking of a family member that has 3 kids 3/4 and 5 that are all in nappies and sippy cups and all glued to a screens.
The 4 and 5 year old dont go to school as teachers said they have to be potty trained first.
I said to said family member the teacher is right, it's your job to parent ther job is to teach.
But im wrong apparently because her kids all have SEN.
I just see 3 normal kids that have not been taught the basics.

Now i do understand some children are unwell and can not do these things.

But im talking about kids that can but parents are playing on the sen to back out of parenting the basic things.
Am I wrong about it?

She does, but judgemental people really don’t help. People like you don’t have all the info but still sit in judgement.

FWIW, both of my kids were potty trained just before age 2 and just after aged 2. I was a SAHM and also looked after a relatives child 4 days a week from when he was 15 months. He was so difficult to potty train despite having very good, engaged parents and me who had ‘done it all before’. He was finally trained at 4.5 but not completely reliable until 5.5. It’s not always simple.

I think this is a bit of an emotional topic for me because I spent two solid years elbows deep in poo. Whenever we went out to see family or a day out I wouldn’t sit back and relax and let my kid play, I was watching his face like a hawk for signs of straining which would happen multiple times a day. And let’s be honest, the smell isn’t as tolerable as baby poo - it haunts me to this day. I’d cry every evening.

So when I see these threads it does hurt because often lazy, bad parent, child abuse is used and believe me I tried everything. GPs didn’t want to know because “it’s not their area” apparently.

https://cks.nice.org.uk/topics/constipation-in-children/background-information/prevalence/ - some stats on this but last paragraph does say this largely goes unreported.

@AreYouSizeFrenchOrSizeGreggsi don’t know why it quoted you! I was replying to @Happyjoewhich was just above yours apology!

So you can't answer? Ok.

While your points may be valid as to wondering why (I don't know about more special needs schools back then, I will take your word for it), I do not see how this would be the reason why 1 in 4 children are not school ready in such high numbers - and so bloomin fast.

No worries. I feel for you. You just have to ignore the people judging. They don’t know you, your situation or your child. They’re clueless and best ignored. SM gives these people a place to tell everyone their opinion because they think everyone needs to hear it. 🤪🙄

Why would I be able to answer why more than anyone else on this thread? No one actually knows the answer. Truth is it is probably a mix of many different things and there isn't one simple answer.

Never judged your friend. Thanks. Am glad she needs help - clearly from your first mention of your friend she was asking for help - a good parent.

I am the huge increase in children not school ready and would want to know why. I do think parents are not parenting as well as they once did (for many reasons) and I think children are being let down as a result. Set aside potty training, to not know how to use cutlery, to know what a book is? All normal parenting isn't it? Bedtime stories, best time ever for sleepy children.

I never judge anyone who struggles, any poorly kids, any SEN kids, but I do want to know why we seem to have so many children not school ready now? It's a fair question and people shouldn't be so defensive. Without understanding, how do we improve things for the children? They are what this is all about.

I think our government are starting to think it too but are too scared to do or say anything about it either.
I'm all for support where support is needed but its now being given to those who know how to play the system. I have one if them in my family and a very close friend with no shame whatsoever!

Eh? To potty train your child before school is a very basic parenting skill. Everyone used to do it.

Exactly, there is a mix. And in that mix is also parents who aren't parenting are there not? If there are not, or even if there are then as a society we need to find out why so many children are not school ready and actually help. Something is going wrong with our children and we owe it to them to make things better.

Am pretty sure nobody has an issue of children that struggle medically, mentally, to have an issue with those is crass.

This is everywhere you go now, restaurants, cafes. The more you see it the more you start noticing it every time you go. What happened to a good old fashioned bag full of toys and colouring books to keep them entertained?

I think Labour said they were going to do a review as to why? Good. Because something needs to be done to help.

I think lots of parents are exhausted by both having to work full time and look after their homes and parent their children.
I think it is the elephant in the room behind these types of stories as well as those on childhood anxiety/mental health. I know so many people who are struggling to juggle everything and are also struggling financially. Children are losing out by having two parents who are time poor and stressed. I'm sure this also feeds into problems with screens as exhausted parents are far more likely to resort to screens to get some peace and time to do the cooking/cleaning etc when not at work.
Btw, I am 100% not saying that it is women who should give up work, and i don't know what the answer is other than potentially both parents of younger children working flexibly/more government support for young families/people who do choose to give up work not being viewed by society as grifters. But we have got ourselves into a difficult position as a society where the care of children and home is given no value(and therefore time) and children are losing out.

Of course. Which is also what I said on my previous comment along with my point that at 4, it can be hard to tell as many children who do have SEND will not have a diagnosis at that age.

How? My mother worked and bought 3 of us up. By the time we started school we were dry, knew how to use cutlery and what a pencil/crayon was used for, could dress ourselves and do up our shoe straps or laces. That was 60 years ago when nappies weren’t disposable, when there wasn’t convenience foods, supermarkets were few and far between and shopping meant going to numerous shops between 9 and 5 or street markets. 30 years ago, I did the same with my son, whilst holding down a full time job and 2 voluntary positions. What higher expectations are there of parents now?

Do you not see that 1 in 4 children as a fairly fast increase in not so many years for it to be down to just being too young to be diagnosed as SEND kids? It is surely a part of it, nowhere near the whole picture surely?

If children are becoming unwell is such high numbers, something very very wrong is going on.
If people are being let down by their parents in such high numbers, something also is very very wrong.

All needs to be addressed, understood and helped.

As a Gen X-er, I can absolutely guarantee parents are way more interested in parenting than they were back in my day. It’s not a coincidence we are seeing way more adults going no contact with their parents. Sure, we were potty trained (from about birth if my mother is to be believed) but given the sheer amount of work non disposable nappies used to be, that was to make things easier for them rather than for our benefit. We might not have had screens, but that doesn’t mean parents were more engaged back in the day. I have no memories of spending time doing kid things with my SAHM. I do remember either being left alone with my siblings to play, or if I was on my own, being dragged around doing whatever it was my mum was doing. She taught me how to cook and clean, but when it came to kid stuff, that never happened.

My generation of parents were also accused of spoiling children, pandering to them, being lazy, not disciplining them blah blah blah, but the millennials we raised are the largest, and most educated of any generation. They are consistently hard working and are a very successful generation. Just as Gen Alpha will be when they grow up.

What’s the difference? Either way you are ignoring your children at dinner, which is either a problem or it isn’t.

Oh really? What are they doing to play the system? Official diagnosises aren't given out like sweets. It can take years and it is a meticulous process; they soon weed out those who have behavioural issues/poor parenting.

My child was in hospital for major surgery at 2. I let him have anything he wanted. Anything. We let him have his tablet as much as he wanted, I brought him in a kfc and whatever sweets he asked for. After spending all the time fasting, so hungry he was gnawing his hand, having canulas in both his wee hands that he kept pulling out because they hurt and holding him while they were reinserted, spending 7 hours waiting to hear he had survived and his surgery was successful, that child could have asked me for coke, candyfloss, fucking anything and I would have given it to him.
It is horrible to have a child in hospital, watching them suffer. It is horrible to judge someone trying to offer their suffering child a wee bit of comfort.

Agree. There are some people who are basing the quality of parent on whether a child was toilet trained early. I remember my mum proudly telling me that I was potty trained at 18 months and that my kids were ‘late’ at 22 months and 26 months. She thought she was a superior parent, yet never played with us, never had a clue what we were doing at school, sent us out to play after breakfast so she could have peace til dinner time. Lots of parents neglected their kids really, but now they like to rewrite history and tell us we’re bad because our kids have ipad time. Funnily enough we watched kids tv and were made to watch eastenders, corrie etc. lol According to my mum, that’s not the same.

Can’t comment on individual families.

I’ve been in early years for 20 years. It’s always been about working with parents and framed as parent led but when I started we would actively potty train children. These days I see more and more the attitude this is the parents responsibility and not childcare, a couple accidents and pressure on parents for the child to go back into nappies.

yes it’s parent responsibility but if the child is in childcare 5 long days and childcare won’t do it then how can it be done?

I have done a lot of research on this from an academic perspective and also as someone that leans towards science backed parenting. I would love to have shared, to help others to see the patterns but I feel like I’d get eaten alive by people saying ‘DONT MUM SHAME ME!’.

Whatever the reasons there is something wrong when children go to school and are still in nappies.
Something needs to change. Teachers cannot teach and potty train children of five plus. And should not be expected to.

I’m so sorry that you and your child had to go through that. And then on top of that have to know that people would dare to judge you for trying to make your child a little more happy and comfortable in any way you could. It’s what good parents do, it’s our instinct. Anyone who judges can quite frankly fuck off.

I hope things are better now. 💐