Have parents given up parenting

[Dearparents]

So I was just watching some news.
And apparently their is a rise in reception school children, that 1 in 4 children are not potty trained ,can't eat or drink independently and try to swipe pages in books.

Some parents are saying it's down to the teachers to teach these thing's.

Most say it's because their child has some sort of SEN.

It got me thinking of a family member that has 3 kids 3/4 and 5 that are all in nappies and sippy cups and all glued to a screens.
The 4 and 5 year old dont go to school as teachers said they have to be potty trained first.
I said to said family member the teacher is right, it's your job to parent ther job is to teach.
But im wrong apparently because her kids all have SEN.
I just see 3 normal kids that have not been taught the basics.

Now i do understand some children are unwell and can not do these things.

But im talking about kids that can but parents are playing on the sen to back out of parenting the basic things.
Am I wrong about it?

I have the opposite experience. I work in the infant end of a school (reception - yr2 ) we have a high number of dc with asn - non verbal asd, Down syndrome, GDD and another high number of dc as yet not diagnosed as they are more complex. Without exception every one of these dc are toilet trained. I currently have 2 in my yr1 class I am regularly changing who have no other issues or asn. One has an older brother further up the school who was still being changed by staff until yr 2. This year there were 6 at the start of reception although these are now all trained - pretty much by staff

Some of the replies here would explain why one of the first steps in a SEN assessment is a parenting course.

I was really shocked to hear in the news today that children are starting school without knowing how to use a book! Trying to use it as a screen.

The gap in humanity is slowing but surely moving from poor vs rich TO ignorant vs capable of thought!

My eldest DC had really bad constipation issues as a toddler/young child. At 3 she wouldn’t poo in the potty or toilet although she was dry and attended a school nursery for 3 hours a day. We saw a paediatrician/specialist nurse/got great advice/took movicol etc and by school she was ok. Still wouldn’t poo at school but was going at home normally.

As a parent of an autistic toddler (who is high functioning), I find it interesting as children in the 90s were also aspergers/autistic and manged to get toilet trained/dressed/school ready. Yes, it can be an absolute battle to get them ready, but I think it is solvable. I think that the government assistance is lacking for sen children/funding. Where I am (different location) any child gets speech and occupational therapy fully funded before age 3 if they are behind, and if we pushed we would also get it for free age 3-5 due to the diagnosis. The therapy has made all the difference for us, as it is the speech lacking that casuses a lot of our issues. I think comparing this to the 90s, there would usually be a full time stay at home parent to help (in most cases) and/or government assistance being easier to access than now. Due to cost of living increases and societal changes, i'd expect that most families have two working parents now, and the government in the UK isn't going to easily assist with these issues, so yes, sadly it is falling to the schools.

I'm sure some of those parents would give their right arm for a more specialist school place for their child.

DC2 was almost 5 before he was fully toilet trained. I followed guidance from ERIC and kept things relaxed and he got there in the end with no trauma or physical damage - he just took longer than average. He's in his teens now and thriving.

I agree was look in after a 9 month old at work last night who was in her cot with her own iPad. She was completely glued to it. Ditto the mum who handed her two year old her phone, just as she was dropping off to sleep, completely waking her up.

Yanbu

A lot of parents have simply stopped.... parenting.

And then blame it on asd.

This, with bells on. They are a huge disservice to the child.

and some children like my son are incontinent but not suitable for special school and would never get a place.

I have friends who work in early years and they would absolutely agree. It’s shocking. Not everything can be blamed on special needs, a lot of the time it’s just piss poor lazy parenting.
Where will we be in another 50 years I wonder.

DC1 with ASD, but no speech or physical developmental delay just social/communication/sensory issues toilet trained by age 2.5.

DC2 NT, by age 3 so before nursery (very bright, but was very stubborn about training).

DC-3 born premature, developmental delay, non-verbal, ASD. Didn't train fully at night until year 2, but we still have accidents occasionally now age 12. Trained in the day in reception year with the help of specialist health visitor and with school TA and us both using the same Makaton and PECS signs.

Luckily the mainstream primary recognised that the reason DC-3 wasn't trained fully before starting school was because of his disability and didn't discriminate against him.

Every child is different including those with ASD. There are many examples of poor parenting which lead to children not being fully trained, but children with disabilities including ASD which is a neurodevelopmental condition affecting their brain who also may be developmentally delayed in their physical ability to respond to signals and cues that they need the toilet. They often have issues with interoception which is an internal sense of what your body is feeling. This may also impact on their ability to acknowledge hunger and thirst and is part of their disability.

https://sensoryhealth.org/basic/your-8-senses#f8

I'm obviously being really rude here, but look at your post, OP and the glaring misuse of 'their', apostrophes, full stops. I know many of these things are down to auto type, but don't you think this is also symptomatic of a society that thinks everything is down to someone or something else?

I was coming to say this. My oldest was potty trained at almost 3 and I felt awful for leaving it so late. I had tried a few times but the longest we had to supervise her doing it was two days at the weekend. I had to wait until Christmas to have 3 weeks off (which I booked) to be able to work on it with her so we could just do it and be done (and we were successful). As for screen time, we have been completely screen free for over 6 months but it’s not been easy. Working full time, cooking full meals, keeping the house clean and looking after the children: sometimes we just needed a break without kids running around undoing everything we were doing. I get why people with less help let Ms Rachel do the parenting sometimes. Screens can be a helpful tool. We cut them out because our daughter was having some behavioural problem what we linked to the screens but if your kids don’t, then they can be very helpful.

we haven’t given up. Most of us are still trying our best.

If you are in England, I don’t believe that your relative was told that the children couldn’t attend until they are out of nappies. I don’t know the law in the other countries in the UK.

Totally agree with this. I suspect that a significant factor in the rising numbers of children with SEN is because while the proportion of children with underlying issues is probably fairly similar to historic levels, excessive screen usage is exacerbating their existing difficulties.

In response to a couple of comments suggesting that those of us who raised our children in the 80s and 90s had more time to get them ready for school because one parent wasn’t working (or working very pt) that’s not how it was for ordinary people like me. I, my friends and cousins raised families with 2 parents working ft, with no subsidised childcare, and our kids were all good to go at 4yo. Parents knew it had to be done or your kid didn’t go to school. And then you couldn’t pay your mortgage.

I am NOT entering the SEND debate here because I have no experience. SEND kids were very few and very far between.

I assume that this is going to be offensive to some but that’s just how it was.

Some development delay CAN be attributed to a lack of parenting. If a child isn’t spoken to, interacted with and parented, how are they going to learn social skills etc. 20 years ago (before smartphones) when I had my son, there was a lot of criticism of mothers who were talking on their phone while pushing babies and toddlers in their prams and pushchairs. Babies need interaction to learn things, if they don’t their development will be delayed.
Not all children are born with SEN, sometimes it’s that early years development that was missing.

Because people are so frightened of being accused of discriminating against a disability (neurodivergence) if they ever say anything about lack of parenting......
Makes a mockery of parents that really are struggling day to day with truly neurodivergent children with advanced care needs. Everyone nowadays seems to be diagnosed with ADHD/ASD that it'll soon be more common than neurotypical behaviour and then maybe those that aren't diagnosed will need support to fit into the new norm of neurodivergence 🤷‍♀️

I completely agree with any school who refuses to take children in nappies.

State schools in England who refuse to take children in nappies are breaking the law.

Nappies are convenient.
Screens are convenient.
Daily nuggets & chips are convenient.
Potty training takes an effort.
Reading takes an effort.
Nice home-made meals take an effort.
Parenting is hard work.
Made up SEN is easy.

There is no requirement for primary school staff to change nappies. They are already understaffed with people providing supposed 1-1 care to multiple children simultaneously. Who do you think should be changing all the nappies then? The class teacher?

I've seen you post on several threads that your DC is in school in nappies and that's great for you that you have that type of support. But it really isn't practical or possible for all children and you should consider yourself extremely fortunate.

some might be down to lazy parenting. Some might be down to how hard it is to get help if there are issues (e.g. there is a kid in the class whose parents have been jumping through hoops for four years to try to get help for speech). Some will be down to covid infections linked to developmental delays in children.