What do I do about being a bridesmaid?

[CurlyTop1980]

So this is a long one, and I am going to try to cut it down. I am 48 and have been asked to be the Maid of Honour for my friend of 30 years. She has always been single and has been to all our weddings, births, birthdays etc. She is a lovely person, but has had some significant childhood trauma, coupled with drinking, which means she falls out with people a lot and says some really awful things. I personally have never really been subject to this as I have managed to dodge it. Anyway, three of us and various younger girls have been asked to be bridesmaids. She is really excited and we're all so happy she has finally found her person and is settling down, as I know she has always craved this stability. Her fiancé is a great guy, and we all really like him.

2 weeks ago, we had it all booked that we would do the bridesmaids' dresses, trying on at her house (she does not want to go to a shop). So we all shared ideas for dresses, and she gave them a yay/nay. Based on this, I went ahead and ordered various sizes of the same dresses for us all to try on. I also threw in a wildcard, as I liked the look of this. Fully transparent and she saw this in the messages. Anyway, the other bridesmaid and I have a chat group separate to plan the hen/stag stuff, etc. We agreed on the other chat to order all the dresses and to take the stress away from the bride to be as she has so much other stuff going on. We are paying for the dresses. So that night we ordered about £1000 worth of dresses between us all, and made sure we rearranged all the kids' activities, etc to ensure we are all free on the day that she wants to have the dresses tried on. We then messaged her like- Surprise, we have sorted this all out and are looking forward to the dress trying on. There was one particular dress she really liked, and one of the other brides made called the online company, and they shared the return period (only 14 days) and the order times, etc. So we shared with her that we will order that particular dress later in the week, which gives us enough time for it to arrive, try on, and return if it is not suitable. These were the 4 dresses she liked in various sizes. It was not any other dresses, aside from the one wild card, which I thought would be fun.

And she went absolutely mental at us, claiming that we are trying to take over the organisation of her wedding. How dare we do this, who do we think we are. Fuck this shit, etc., and she cancelled the dresses tying on. Even the next morning she demanded a list of the dresses we ordered, and it was the exact same list we had sent her anyway. This has really upset me and I feel emotionally drained.

It was really bad and shocking. I was absolutely flabbergasted. Knowing how she is, we sent some messages and said no one is trying to take over your wedding organisation, etc. But she didn't apologise and is still telling me she deserves an apology for us doing this. I am beyond fed up with the situation. I feel like I don't want to be a bridesmaid or Maid of Honour anymore.

I just don't know what to do.

So just to get the story straight. As the bride won’t go to a shop you and the bride chose a selection of bridesmaids dresses that you both liked. You then ordered all the different dresses in different sizes for each bridesmaid. Plus you also ordered a wild-card style for fun. Then the bride turned round and said you’d over-stepped? If that’s what happened, I’d either be wearing the wild-card dress or not being bridesmaid at all!

@BakeOffRewatch has some wise words above about trauma. That being said, you don't need to be a doormat to avoid her trauma response.

When she has flipped at other people previously has she ever apologized? Or does she stand her ground and lose the friend?

Either way definitely return everything. No point in losing money regardless of the outcome, those dresses are tainted now.

Yes, she chose 3 styles for the older bridesmaids. 2 were available to order, so I ordered 4 of these dresses in different sizes. Then she selected about 3 flower girl dresses, and we ordered these in different sizes. The wild card- just one of these in 1 size.

Then the dress she really liked was from a different company and the delivery/return dates were tight, so we said we were waiting to order nearer to the time of the dress trying on. I have no idea why she wouldnt go to a dress shop. One bridesmaid saw her the day after she got upset and tried to speak to her about the shop option, and she wouldn't talk to her about the dresses or going to a shop.

I think tis weekend, I will text her and step away from MOH duties and just continue organising the hen. And just be a normal guest, if that is what she wants.

Careful. I would anticipate quitting as MOH will be the end of your friendship. Husband dropped out as best man from a mate's wedding and the friend never spoke to him again.

Might be you're ok with this but I wouldn't naively think she'll understand you dropping out and you can still be good friends.

In all honesty if I had a friend like you describe with a ballistic aspect to her personality, I don’t think springing a surprise was a good idea (no matter how well intended unfortunately). Particularly in the run up to a wedding which is a stressful time anyway. It was a kind idea in theory but just one of those things that doesn’t work out irl, she would have benefited from a transparency message prior to ordering to say you and the other bd would love to order the dresses she chose and return the ones not needed to take it off her plate. She would then have been aware of your plan and free to comment/ amend.

It’s done now and I can see it from both sides, you’re upset and your friend is stressed out. I’d give her the benefit of the doubt and send another explanatory msg that it was well meant to be a helpful thing and save her some time. If the response is still very angry I would take a step back.

Agree quitting as MoH would be an axe blow to the friendship.

It’s simple, you return all the dresses and get your money back

then you leave it to her to organise if you still want to be MOH or tell her you no longer want the position and will attend as a guest only if invited

So is it just the ordering of the wild card dress she is mad about? Could you just send that one back and proceed with the ones she agreed on? It does seem a fairly dramatic outburst for one dress though.

Do you really want to organise her hen. This peron has a long history of alcohol use which has led to her falling out with alot of people. Its your turn now, id tread very carefully.

You sound like a really good friend and I’m not surprised you’re feeling so disappointed when you’re clearly so pleased for her and you’re trying to make sure she has wonderful memories. She has form for this kind of behaviour and whilst it’s pretty standard for people who have experienced trauma, you’ll do her no favours to pander to it - and you need to protect yourself as this will only get worse. It’s sad but make sure you’re not left out of pocket - send those dresses back and quietly opt out.

Yes, I should have added if you’re going through a tough time yourself don’t self sacrifice and support her at your own detriment. For her, all the planning and controlling and to-dos make her feel safe - so taking that away isn’t doing her a favour it’s taking away a thing she did that makes her feel safe, and hence the extremity of her response. It sounds like you’re a genuine sincere friend of hers, so my response was in that line. If it’s a friendship you don’t want to endure anymore - fair enough. But if you do want to be a friend who supports her through this (given her traumatic child forming this family bond will be a huge time of stress to her) then a bit of pandering is what she needs.

Whereas I do think it odd to be ordering dresses without the bride, I wouldn't be a bridesmaid for someone who was that volatile, angry and rude.
I would tell her that as well when I stepped back from the role.

If people are allowed to behave this way with no consequences and even get pandered to by you & her other friends apologising to her & trying to explain, they’ll carry on behaving like this and treating their friends like shite. Some people can only learn the hard way - by harsh consequences. Think you’ll have to give her them by refusing to be her bridesmaid at least until she sees she’s in the wrong, sorts out her behaviour and apologised

I agree with others, you need to step back as MOH. if you do, I hope you don't receive further abuse. Good luck.

Fantastic! So you’re off the hook now?

just be a wedding guest abd wear what you like

Wowwwww.
Listen, your a brilliant friend and Maid of Honour, she doesnt know how lucky she is to have you.
After 30 years she will never realise.
Do you feel like you've always had to tip toe around her to avoid making her angry all this time (prior to the bridesmaid stuff)?
I would say, you are out of order, I thought i was doing something lovely for you, the way you treated us was unacceptable, YOU need and apology from HER or you simply be involved in this wedding.

How ungrateful of her! If she was paying for the dresses then I could understand her wanting to organise them but making you pay for your own dresses and then moaning when you organise this trying on session is very ungrateful behaviour. It sounds like you'd organised a really nice time with food etc. She doesn't deserve someone as lovely as you and the others as MOH/bridesmaids. I'd back off now and say you've changed your mind, sounds like she's going to be a nightmare over this wedding.

Sounds very stressful. Your also paying for these dresses, she should be a bit more grateful ( only mu
opinion, but she is going to be a bridezilla isn’t she !)

Ooft, I’d step away from being any sort of bridesmaid, and maybe even the wedding itself depending how she took my stopping being a BM. Let her Bridezilla herself silly with others, I for one would not be dealing with that shit (even more cheeky given you are paying, not her). Shame it’s come to this but at least you can step away now, the batshittery will only get worse..

Honestly, I’d bail out now!
It’s going to be awful I bet and you’re only at the first hurdle !!

Blimey - if she’s like this with her friends I dread to think what she’s going to be like with her prospective husband.

I wouldn’t be surprised if it turns out to be a very short marriage.

You're having bridezilla issues, what issues is she having?
Could she be stressed by the wedding, fiance, parents, bills etc?
Have you left it a while before checking in or you wanted her to apologise now!

She shouldn't have shouted of course.

A friend of 30 years acting out of character is concerning but seems you'd already decided to step away before posting.

I wouldn’t have yelled at you about this, but I think I might have felt you had all
overstepped a bit.

I'm still totally lost as to why she was angry and how you have overstepped.

She wanted to see bridesmaids trying on the different styles she liked and fixed a date for that. But didn't want to go to a shop and want going to order/pay for anything herself. So where did she think the dresses would magically appear from to try on unless the bridesmaids ordered them?

The only thing she might have to be annoyed about (and even that would be a bit much if it was just a bit of fun) was the single wild card dress. Is that what triggered the hissy fit? That she is cross you added another option to her approved choices?

I couldn't be arsed with all that and would drop out. Return the dresses quick so you can get your money back.

what did the bride want to happen ? How did she anticipated the dress try on day was going to happen if dresses were not ordered in advance ?