What do I do about being a bridesmaid?

[CurlyTop1980]

So this is a long one, and I am going to try to cut it down. I am 48 and have been asked to be the Maid of Honour for my friend of 30 years. She has always been single and has been to all our weddings, births, birthdays etc. She is a lovely person, but has had some significant childhood trauma, coupled with drinking, which means she falls out with people a lot and says some really awful things. I personally have never really been subject to this as I have managed to dodge it. Anyway, three of us and various younger girls have been asked to be bridesmaids. She is really excited and we're all so happy she has finally found her person and is settling down, as I know she has always craved this stability. Her fiancé is a great guy, and we all really like him.

2 weeks ago, we had it all booked that we would do the bridesmaids' dresses, trying on at her house (she does not want to go to a shop). So we all shared ideas for dresses, and she gave them a yay/nay. Based on this, I went ahead and ordered various sizes of the same dresses for us all to try on. I also threw in a wildcard, as I liked the look of this. Fully transparent and she saw this in the messages. Anyway, the other bridesmaid and I have a chat group separate to plan the hen/stag stuff, etc. We agreed on the other chat to order all the dresses and to take the stress away from the bride to be as she has so much other stuff going on. We are paying for the dresses. So that night we ordered about £1000 worth of dresses between us all, and made sure we rearranged all the kids' activities, etc to ensure we are all free on the day that she wants to have the dresses tried on. We then messaged her like- Surprise, we have sorted this all out and are looking forward to the dress trying on. There was one particular dress she really liked, and one of the other brides made called the online company, and they shared the return period (only 14 days) and the order times, etc. So we shared with her that we will order that particular dress later in the week, which gives us enough time for it to arrive, try on, and return if it is not suitable. These were the 4 dresses she liked in various sizes. It was not any other dresses, aside from the one wild card, which I thought would be fun.

And she went absolutely mental at us, claiming that we are trying to take over the organisation of her wedding. How dare we do this, who do we think we are. Fuck this shit, etc., and she cancelled the dresses tying on. Even the next morning she demanded a list of the dresses we ordered, and it was the exact same list we had sent her anyway. This has really upset me and I feel emotionally drained.

It was really bad and shocking. I was absolutely flabbergasted. Knowing how she is, we sent some messages and said no one is trying to take over your wedding organisation, etc. But she didn't apologise and is still telling me she deserves an apology for us doing this. I am beyond fed up with the situation. I feel like I don't want to be a bridesmaid or Maid of Honour anymore.

I just don't know what to do.

Was doing a job in an office yesterday and a young woman was reading a text from a friend who is getting married this year and who has told this woman and the others who are bridesmaids they cannot get married this year as it would steal her thunder. Also has told one bridesmaid she cannot have her haircut before the wedding!!

If you have known her for this long then surely you knew what she was like before you accepted being MOH? Why did you accept? She sounds extremely mentally unstable and quite frankly I would have ended the friendship years ago. I would never have accepted MOH because I'd know I would be walking on eggshells. Why doesn't she receive counselling, and realise she has to quit drinking altogether? Why haven't her friends talked to her/staged an intervention loooonnnggg ago? I'd quit as being MOH and doing the hens do (you realise that will most likely be WORSE than the dresses - right?) and I would not attend the hens do nor the wedding. You need to cut her out of your life. No one has time to walk on eggshells with a very unstable and unhinged person who won't get help for themselves.

One wonders what her fiance thinks of her behviour? Even if he doesn't know about this, he must have noticed her falling out with people, her problematic drinking, etc? I honestly doubt the marriage will last anyway, as eventually he will get tired of walking on eggshells with her too.

She sounds unstable.

What's her plans for going forward? Has she suggested anything? Because although I'd probably cut her one tempter trantrum/bridezilla moment if I really really had to, I'd also step back and let her organise the whole thing. Don't help anymore.

Unless you want to throw in the towel and walk, which is very understandable. Hope get your money back.

I’d send everything back and tell her I know longer want to be her maid of honour as she is so dramatic don’t need that hassle!

if she wants to get her bridesmaid dresses then she sorts it herself!

What did she want to happen with regard to the dresses and trying them on?
These are the bridesmaids’ dresses right? Not the bride’s dress?
With only this instance to go on, she sounds unhinged and possibly toxic. I think that whether you stay as MOH or resign now, your friendship will end either way.

I agree with this. I don’t see you’ve done anything wrong here at all. Tell her straight how much she has upset you by being so unreasonably behaved.

I think that unless you've had a friend like this, it's hard to understand what it's actually like. You probably had good fun together before the volatility and hostility with others started. You probably have years of trying hard to see her side. Sympathising with her childhood trauma. Seeing other relationships implode. Minimising her own part in things, as though it's not her fault or it's understandable given her background. The thing is, lots of people have difficult backgrounds and don't behave like this. It's not a get-out-of-jail free card apart from in the cultivated friendships who have been trained to allow this. The wider world certainly won't.

Even though you've not been on the receiving end until now, you'll have probably been mildly modifying your words, reactions and general behaviour around her. You might find it quite freeing to feel less she's no longer your responsibility.

Whatever you decide, try not to think about how she'll react. You can't predict what she'll say or do, so concentrate on what's best for you. You've been trying to placate someone with the emotional maturity of a toddler. At some point, one of you needs to be the adult and say "no more", it'll never change.

For now, I'd cancel the orders, return those already sent out and step back completely from the friendship.

If a bride is having bridesmaids and flower girls, then she should be paying for the dresses. If she can't afford to do this, then she shouldn't have bridesmaids. I think it's a bloody cheek to ask friends to be a bridesmaid but then expect them to pay for dresses/shoes/hair/makeup etc.

I understand the bride needs to like the dresses but as she's not paying, then the final decision should be down to you! You ordered a selection of dresses, that she liked (and so did you and the other bridesmaid) and now she thinks you're trying to overstep!!

The bride refused to go to a shop to look for dresses, which is utterly ridiculous. It would be much easier, especially if you have a big bridal store nearby.

If you step down from MOH duties, given how your friend is, I think it will be the end of your friendship. It depends on what you want.

Quite apart from everything else wrong here, there is something especially grotesque about a woman in her 40's (?) behaving like a pampered teen debutante bridezilla.

On the other hand, OP, you say you've dodged the brunt of her abusive behaviour over the years, so is there is a sense in which you've colluded in allowing her to continue as she is.

I would gracefully extricate myself as others have suggested. Please also have some care for her fiancé, and ensure he is entering this marriage with his eyes wide open as to who she really is. You are the one who has known her longest and seen most sides of her. Be honest with others, stop minimising, stop covering, stop enabling.

Well simply explain that you wish to stop being part of the wedding. Explain that trying to help her was your intentions. And you won't apologize for being kind. Then wish her a wonderful marriage.
Then take yourself and who you love . Hub / boyfriend/ daughter/ son/ mum/ away a day before her wedding even if it's just a 2 day break. Just treat yourself.
Sometimes we have to end a friendship.

I ended one towards the end of last year. I haven't regretted it. I'm someone who's a great friend I'm kind help loads. Protect ect.
But we have short lives. Don't waste precious time on this unstable friend. X

Life is too short for this sort of nonsense. I would be sending a polite message to say I no longer wanted to be her bridesmaid. She sounds deranged, and is only going to get worse. I don't think I would even want to attend the wedding at all. Friends don't treat their friends that way, you were trying to help and she has thrown it back in your face.

I would withdraw from being MOH and also organising the hen. She sounds like a nightmare.

Completely awful behaviour if all you did was did was order one style that she hadn’t chosen and you also gave her a heads up about it. All she had to do was say she preferred one of her original choices that you had also ordered. People are weird when it comes to weddings. My childhood best friend asked me to be her MOH, she was 22 and I was 21. I had a 2 year old and I was exceptionally poor (her parents are very wealthy and paid for the wedding) she asked me to pay for my own dress after she had chosen the dress and the colour! It was beautiful but it made me sweat under my armpits and I was beside myself because it was £100 (24 years ago) I don’t think I ever paid her, I can’t actually remember what I said but no way would I have agreed had I known I was paying and had zero choice in what I wore.

I think if you step back from MOH duties it will likely be the end of the friendship but that’s maybe not the end of the world.

I would reach out and say something like;

"Friend, I love you dearly. I am so very sorry that whatever we did upset you, and we/I truly only want you to have the most magical day possible.

However, your messages to me/us were unacceptable, and as much as I love you, I will not tolerate being spoken to like this. We are adults, capable of healthy discussion, and not even your wedding allows you to behave this way towards me.

Having said this, I would love to continue to be friends and support you on your special day but I do need you to know that if this happens again, I will be forced to step back.

You're welcome to reach out to me whenever you are ready. I hope you are feeling better x"

And then leave it to her!

I’d absolutely cut this person out of my life. Don’t bother with her or the wedding.

I think it’s really odd and cheeky that she’s not paying for the bridesmaid dresses. We didn’t have a lot of money but we paid for these, plus the cost of hair/make up, groomsmen kilt hire etc. I chose the colour & length, and told my bridesmaids to choose whatever style they each liked. They were all beautiful, comfortable and happy on the day.

Her childish tantrum is ruining the excitement of planning her own wedding, and will have permanently damaged relationships with the bridesmaids. She doesn’t sound like someone I’d want to be friends with. Childhood trauma / alcoholism, doesn’t excuse aggressive behaviour towards those closest to you.

Have you decided what to do yet OP?

I must be really thick, because i don't understand what she's so upset and angry about.
She wanted you to order the dresses she chose. You did that, plus a wild card.
What's her problem?!

I would walk away from all of this, including organising the hen celebrations.

So she agreed to you ordering several dresses in different sizes that you were paying for but then went nuts for doing so? And is demanding an apology despite being sent several apologies already? I would have absolutely nothing to do with her going forward, it will more than likely end in disaster and you quite rightly should keep dodging her bullish behaviour as you have done in the past. Time to find a new friend OP. She caused the tension, let her keep it. I know you're feeling crap, but you haven't caused it

This isn’t about bridal party etiquette or managing expectations. The bride’s behavior is not a mystery. She is behaving exactly like an alcoholic behaves. The relationship will be fine and everyone will be getting along, then in a split second you will have betrayed them. Your actions haven’t done anything. You are dealing with Jekyll and Hyde. You can’t win.

Definitely return the dresses and resign as MOH. I would be wary about organising the hen do. You will be out of pocket and in the wrong again.

I can't understand why she got upset about this. It was the dresses she agreed on.. so it doesn't make sense.

Did she apologise? I missed that bit..I thought she wanted you to apologise.

A lot of people missing the fundamentals here. OP you did exactly what the bride agreed, you didn’t go off on your own tangent and your friend is absolutely nuts. She’s 100% in the wrong.

That said, you know she’s unpredictable and you’ve stuck it out for 30 years, which can’t have been easy. The only difference now is you know what it’s like to be in the firing line, but I’m sure this isnt the only time she’s been a pain in the arse. I think if you drop out of MoH duties she will probably not want you at the wedding, so if you’re prepared to and the friendship then I would say drop out. You did a nice thing and don’t deserve her shitty reaction. On the other hand, you have stood by her all these years so would you feel bad in future if it ended like this? Not saying you ought to feel bad, but I might prefer to end things on my own terms. A close friend did fall out with a long time friend of hers, after many years of off key behaviour which culminated in some really offensive things being said (by the friend). My friend totally cut her off and has no regrets, so you may well feel the same. X

I will say I'm not sure throwing in a wild card dress was a great idea. If she had chosen a selection of styles she liked, then you throwing another one in there could come across as if you were saying 'but how about we go with this one instead'?

That said, she obviously shouldn't have gone off at you, that is totally unacceptable.

even if you are paying you shouldn’t be deciding on or ordering the dresses behind the brides back.

Im not remotely surprised she’s upset. You’ve massively overstepped