How I’ve annoyed MIL to be

[Mummylove2026]

My future MIL pulled me today because she thinks I have been very difficult lately. DP is working away so I don’t want to tell him until
he's back.

Firstly, my baby is teething. I tried to give her a teething chew from the fridge to settle her but she wasn’t interested. MIL dipped her dummy in honey and said use this instead, I asked what was on it and she said nothing. I knew it had something on so I tasted it. DD is 4 months old so not only is honey unsafe, she’s not on anything but my breast milk yet and I don’t want her having sugar. She argued that I was being a spoilt brat and I will laugh when I look back this was then followed with ramblings about her having 3 kids and 4 grandkids already so she knows best.

I packed up to leave because I was annoyed and she said there you go again, always knowing best, let’s see who knows best when that baby has pneumonia because you won’t put their coat on in the car, another thing you will feel ridiculous about.

This then turned into a rant about how I just don’t listen. She listed things I’ve done recently including booking a holiday to somewhere she told me not to book (her friends have been and apparently it was awful because it was local food only and they had to travel 6 miles for an English bar), to me that’s a selling point. I won’t tell her a present idea she can get me for my birthday, I’m on maternity leave and don’t need anything so I suggested vouchers so I could take my baby out, apparently I will regret this. I’ve had my grandmothers white gold ring resized and a design change as my wedding ring, she thinks I should have got yellow gold so that it stands out because the rest of my jewellery is white gold, it will blend in and look ridiculous.

This morning I would have told you she’s opinionated but we get on great because she accepts what I say, this evening I don’t know what to think. I was speechless by her kitchen door holding my baby. It definitely felt like she had been holding it in, I don’t really know where to go from here. I will probably let DP speak to her but I am going to tell him I won’t be going again alone, she needs reminding that I’m entitled to an opinion and that I expect an apology.

She’s batshit.

I'd honestly tell him not to bother, OP. There's no point in him writing a great long list to argue each point through.

He simply needs to say to her, 'You were appallingly rude to @Mummylove2026 and she won't be coming to see you again, or bringing the baby round. It's a pity you don't think before you decide to launch an attack on people, but that will be a consequence you'll need to deal with'

And then tell him to change the subject. Keep him repeating, 'I'm not discussing it any more. You were rude. Deal with the consequences'.

Don't ask for an apology - just don't go see her any longer. She can decide for herself whether she genuinely wants to make amends and how she should do that. And you can decide whether to accept or not.

I wouldn’t be justifying why you do things a certain way, it’s none of her business. Fine if she doesn’t know about up to date advice and you want to tell her, but she doesn’t sound like the sort of person who is going to listen to. Unless there is a safeguarding issue, or you’re asking her to do something she doesn’t agree with, surely it’s nothing to do with her?

I’d be inclined not to see her unless you are with DP, going forward

Don't get drawn in to discussions over your decisions, it's absolutely none of her business.

You are an adult free to make your own decisions about yourself and your baby.

Whether she's right or wrong is irrelevant and I wouldn't engage in trying to justifying to her why you make the choices you make.

I agree: Yours and your DH's focus needs to be her behaviour towards you, her lack of respect for your parental and holiday destination decision making.

Not long evidence backed scientific discussions about the benefits of BLW (when your baby is 3 weeks old) . Just say 'you can do your own reading and research as we have done'.

It is her bullying behaviour and interference that is at fault. FIL knows that.

It’s great that your DH is so supportive. However, you shouldn’t be putting together reasons about why she wrong on each piece of advice. That will just turn into an argument about who is right. He needs to say that she shouldn’t be interfering with how you parent. You didn’t ask for her advice and it is unwelcome. You are the parents and they are your decisions to make. She also shouldn’t speak to you like that full stop.

This! Don’t get into an argument about it. Her opinion is irrelevant and the focus should be on the appalling rudeness to you, the divide and conquer approach she employed to attack you and on the fact that she doesn’t get to make decisions against yours and your husbands when it comes to your child!

I’m wondering if lifeisgoodrightnow is secretly my MIL (joking) because she has responded with the line of we will laugh in years to come about how uptight we are. Apparently he replied saying you are right I’ll take the car seat to the tip and let her have blended sushi for lunch. She has called and apologised to him for snapping at him. He said she didn’t even snap at him it is me she needs to apologise to, she’s said she will think about it. Maybe I’m an awful person and I’ve just not noticed.

So his reply needs to be "Think very carefully. Because in my opinion you have no right to be so rude and over-bearing to MummyLove about the way in which we both choose to live our lives and bring up our child"

No I’m not your mother in law. But she’s right that in a few years when things aren’t so fraught with a new baby and all the scary stuff and lack of control absolutely every new parent feels with a first born out of the way you will ( probably) be more relaxed than you understandably are now.

But she needs to remember how scary it all is and she’s not.

And that doesn’t mean compromises safety like car seats and sterilising equipment etc.

I’ve not responded to your posts much because I find them patronising at points. You seem to have made the decision that I’m anxious and barely coping. I’ve loved every second of having my baby, things aren’t fraught, I’m not scared and I am relaxed. Every decision we make is in the best interest of my family. As much as I can see you are trying to say I’m right you are treating me like a clueless idiot that’s going to look back and cringe and that’s really not the situation. Everyone is different and I think the automatic assumption because I’m a new mum isn’t actually that different to my MIL and how she is treating me, just because your children are older or you have more doesn’t automatically make you the oracle.

I wouldn’t see her without DP being present.

@lifeisgoodrightnow what has the age of parents got to do with it? The things OP has mentioned are all based on research and are national guidelines

nobody ever said it did. But I do have a few more years on you. That’s a fact. You crack on. You seem to have it all sorted.

Don’t see her. She is dh problem.

My first baby is now 22, and I do not look back and cringe. I look back and am proud I didn’t take MIL’s pushy advice to let my colicky baby cry herself to sleep. I’m proud my DM had my back when I breastfed them into toddlerhood despite MIL’s embarrassment. I am proud I refused her taking them on the boat after neighbors alerted to me they weren’t in life jackets when alone with MIL.

My reward (and revenge) are two very healthy and happy and charming and independent DDs.

Grey rock was my favorite strategy with MIL who I do love and have a good relationship with today. I didn’t cave and didn’t let her boss me. And she’s still close to us cause she eventually realized she was the one who needed to chill.

My stepdaughter has had a baby and is very much a rule follower, for example she uses a thermometer to check room temp and bath water temp every single time, preps for sleep regression, expects baby to do things by the book. I was much more of a 'wing it' type parent.

When she questions how it worked for me, I explain that I didn't do things the same as her, but I always support how she wants to do things and praise her parenting.
It isn't difficult to give advise or support without judgement.

My MIL (her grandmother) was very critical of my parenting and it created a big rift. My approach has brought me closer to stepdaughter than ever, I love being a grandparent.

I'm so glad your partner is supporting you. My DH found it difficult due to MIL's emotional manipulation.

Why is that fact relevant?

Shes a controlling bully! Tell her to fuck off and mind her own business! Im a mother of four and grandmother of five and i absolutely would never interfere or bully my Dil’s like this. YOU know best when it comes to your child and your life choices!

That’s great that you do, so if you were to look after a younger person’s child and they would rather you didn’t use a coat while in the car seat, are you saying you would ignore that because you think you know better?

The fact you and MIL have a few more years on the OP doesn't mean you both automatically possess superior knowledge compared to the OP. Indeed those extra years have resulted in MIL to push for things that go against NHS guidance.

Giving helpful advice is one thing. Railroading and/or berating OP to conform with her (I'm taking about MIL here) views and then getting nasty - calling OP a brat, being horrid about wedding band because she won’t cave in and adopt dangerous practices that go against guidance isn't remotely justifiable.

So in years to come, frankly in the OP's shoes I'd still think MIL was dangerous and a nasty piece of work.

I have an incredibly challenging MIL, she literally lives in the 70s (which if it was the fashion and music I would be a huge fan and join her) but sadly she has had a stroke and since then her ability to filter has diminished and her opinion is truth and fact combined and nobody is going to tell her different. My son apparently hasn’t got autism the professionals got it wrong he’s just a bit slow. My daughter because she is quiet has been mollycoddled too much so is a wet lettuce, I’m a neurotic mother who seeks too much medical advice (advocating for my son) it’s all in my head. As well as the usual they can have solids at 3 months, why on earth would you breastfeed it’s very selfish and the classic he can stay in his pram outside the corner shop whilst she gossips with the shop keeper. She lives in a totally different era to myself. I just nod and smile and let her give it to me. I am in my happy place when she does, so it has very little impact.

I may be critical here she is totally out of line and rude and self-centred, but her intention often in her own way is to help she loves her grandchildren dearly and wants them to be perfect (unfortunately just her version of perfection is not my version) and autistic and quiet child worry her. I will never let her alone with the children and I act as a buffer if she upsets them, and her view of me (well I’m autistic too not that she agrees with me on this because that would mean I’m not the perfect DIL!) I don’t loose sleep over it. But I do loose sleep over my disabled son and the lack of care the government and council give, the change to SEND law and budgets, lack of support after diagnosis. There is too much to worry about without being worried about the 1970s and my MIL. She’s a character who is complicated, I too am a complicated soul we just need to meet somewhere in the middle- and the middle is ignoring and not being offended by 70% of what she says and the other 30, well there’s actually some good advice there.

you are going to be in this woman’s life for the rest of it, your husband and fil are fighting your corner, try and find some middle ground otherwise the options are quite sad.

Just ask her why on earth she thinks she has a right to speak to another adult that way. Then get your husband to have a word.

Probably. They seem to think they know best and appear to be quite condescending and controlling

I was in the exact same situation. Our long term relationship with a small baby in the mix fell apart within a few months of me confronting his mummy. Interestingly, for years he complained about her being controlling and overbearing and initially agreed with me. Then he had some secret chats with PILs and completely turned his back on me within weeks…. She still shit stirres between us years later telling him what a horrible person I am and what a wonderful son he is (probably for following her orders).