How I’ve annoyed MIL to be

[Mummylove2026]

My future MIL pulled me today because she thinks I have been very difficult lately. DP is working away so I don’t want to tell him until
he's back.

Firstly, my baby is teething. I tried to give her a teething chew from the fridge to settle her but she wasn’t interested. MIL dipped her dummy in honey and said use this instead, I asked what was on it and she said nothing. I knew it had something on so I tasted it. DD is 4 months old so not only is honey unsafe, she’s not on anything but my breast milk yet and I don’t want her having sugar. She argued that I was being a spoilt brat and I will laugh when I look back this was then followed with ramblings about her having 3 kids and 4 grandkids already so she knows best.

I packed up to leave because I was annoyed and she said there you go again, always knowing best, let’s see who knows best when that baby has pneumonia because you won’t put their coat on in the car, another thing you will feel ridiculous about.

This then turned into a rant about how I just don’t listen. She listed things I’ve done recently including booking a holiday to somewhere she told me not to book (her friends have been and apparently it was awful because it was local food only and they had to travel 6 miles for an English bar), to me that’s a selling point. I won’t tell her a present idea she can get me for my birthday, I’m on maternity leave and don’t need anything so I suggested vouchers so I could take my baby out, apparently I will regret this. I’ve had my grandmothers white gold ring resized and a design change as my wedding ring, she thinks I should have got yellow gold so that it stands out because the rest of my jewellery is white gold, it will blend in and look ridiculous.

This morning I would have told you she’s opinionated but we get on great because she accepts what I say, this evening I don’t know what to think. I was speechless by her kitchen door holding my baby. It definitely felt like she had been holding it in, I don’t really know where to go from here. I will probably let DP speak to her but I am going to tell him I won’t be going again alone, she needs reminding that I’m entitled to an opinion and that I expect an apology.

I asked what was on it and she said nothing. I knew it had something on so I tasted it.

She lied and tried to give your baby something without your knowledge but she thinks you're in the wrong? That's nuts.

She wants you to behave as a child, being instructed by her as an adult. Don't let it happen. Your husband needs to have your back here.

She listed things I’ve done recently including booking a holiday to somewhere she told me not to book (her friends have been and apparently it was awful because it was local food only and they had to travel 6 miles for an English bar), to me that’s a selling point. I won’t tell her a present idea she can get me for my birthday, I’m on maternity leave and don’t need anything so I suggested vouchers so I could take my baby out, apparently I will regret this. I’ve had my grandmothers white gold ring resized and a design change as my wedding ring, she thinks I should have got yellow gold so that it stands out because the rest of my jewellery is white gold, it will blend in and look ridiculous

She sounds nuts.

My mil was fuming I bf our 3 boys.. She couldn't so apparently I shouldn't either... She'd sit next to me on the sofa tutting away.. And really staring!!
So I started squeezing into the single chair at feeding times... Ime mil's can't cope with seeing us being bloody good dm's!! Maybe it brings back how utterly crap they were?

God, OP, she sounds like everything I hate in a person, am so sorry that she is going to be your MIL. Giving you a dress down is disgusting and I bet she'd not have done it in front of anyone else because bullies are cowards.

Personally, going forward, I'd keep away as much as humanly possible. Am pretty sure your husband to be knows exactly what type of person his mum is and he can deal with her. You're marrying him, not her.

She sounds like a woman who comes in my local coffee shop. She bitches and moans about her future DIL and how she doesn't look after her baby properly, doesn't put a coat/socks on the baby etc. etc. I can't stand her, and her two friends just sit there and listen to it, occasionally agreeing with her (but I get the impression they are just humouring her). One day she will be there whinging about the fact that her future DIL has stopped her seeing the baby!

You handled it well OP. She’s ignorant and a boor. Just let all contact go through your other half now. What a cow.

Wow, she’s really shot herself on the foot hasn’t she?!

Fancy lying to your DIL, criticising her and (presumably) hoping the relationship will continue as before. Really odd.

It sounds like the authority over her grandchild’s well-being and making decisions about the grandchild’s needs is the first thing in her life that she has not had direct control over.
you having a child with her son also means she has “lost” a bit of her authority over him as you have a connection with him she doesn’t have, and could never have.

in an attempt to get control she is being manipulative and trying to attack your confidence as a mum and a person. The more she sees that you get to decide about teething and car seats and wedding ring metals the more she feels you are a threat to her role as head of the family and matriarch.

i think she also has an attention seeking problem and doesn’t like you having a central role as mother of her grandchild. The more attention you might get as you have an important role (mother of child), the less attention there is available for her to receive. She wanted the glory of solving the teething problem and getting the baby to stop crying knowing that honey will likely make the baby keep the dummy in her mouth. Her need for glory outweighed the obvious risk to baby.

i would stay well clear of her. Whatever you do or say now she will twist to paint herself as the victim and you as the bad guy.

She sounds nuts, overbearing, and "know-it-all". Awful! I wouldn't be spending any time with her anymore unless your DH is with you. Also, wouldn't be allowed to have DD by herself as I couldn't trust her to follow your decisions and boundaries for YOUR baby. It'll only get worse. Sorry, it seems you have one of those MIL.

If the issues were tiny issues why did the MIL feel the need to criticise the Op?

Why should the MIL be entitled to call the Op a spoilt brat?

The honey thing is bad enough, but to then follow that up with:

This then turned into a rant about how I just don’t listen. She listed things I’ve done recently including booking a holiday to somewhere she told me not to book…

If anyone thought they had the right to try and exert this level of control over me and my life, me and my children wouldn’t be seeing them again.

She is completely unhinged and nothing good will come of a relationship with someone who has control issues to this extent.

She sounds like a nightmare. She also sounds like the sort of person to get her version of events in first with your DP so beware.

I would look very carefully at his reaction to this spat. If he's in the Mum can do no wrong, just placate her school of thought and wants to be there every Sunday for dinner and every Christmas then I'd be running a mile from the marriage too while you still can.
If he rolls his eyes, says FFS and happily agrees to pulling back to duty only visits, he's a keeper.

I came on to say exactly this.

Given the choice, I would rather die on this hill than my baby come out of their car seat and actually die. Nobody goes out with the intention of crashing the car.

Well done on resolving not to trouble your DH while he is away = v mature.

Will he back you up over things like honey and car seat? Presumably he agreed with you about holiday choice?

For now I would develop a series of holding phrases.

"There are so many opinions - it doesn't mean different choices are wrong"
"I would like to think we can have different ideas without falling out"
"Haha it must be very frustrating for you, MIL - tell me did you inherit all your Mum's and MIL's childcare advice or also incorporate newer research and ideas?" (said humorously / kindly)

And / Or you could just say " I was shocked, hurt and upset by your opinion of me - we don't have to take different opinions personally. Let's take a break from visits until everyone has cooled down"

And keep your alert on high henceforth. She is trouble. But throwing fuel on her fire might not be the best approach.

You aren’t seeing the bigger issue I don’t think. I asked her outright and she made the decision to lie, so she obviously knew there was an issue with it. I had never spoken about honey with her, so she chose to lie
from the offset. Her lying and then calling me a brat has caused this, these were her decisions to make, she has created this situation. I’ve spent weeks internally eye rolling at her advice and ignoring her rather than saying anything because there was no harm, actively lying shows that she will trample boundaries. I don’t agree with taking risks with other people’s babies no matter how big or small.

She sounds a bit full of herself to me. I am a Grandma in waiting as I say ! If and when I am lucky enough to become one, I am taking notes on how NOT to behave.30 or 40 years back.Things were different, and things like car seats are dangerous if not prepared correctly. Just go round with hubby and let him deal with her

Again. With kindness. She picked the wrong battle. She’s showing frustration at some things that she doesn’t understand has changed. And she needs to learn it’s not her child to decide. As you get older you’ll see things that you think were perfectly acceptable now change and parents younger than you think what you’re doing now is dangerous or non sensical. Doesn’t matter this is your child to raise as safely and with love as you and your partner see fit and that will be the next generation’s child to learn from your generation’s mistakes. Which you will make - we all do.

My generation had to deal with parents who thought drink driving, seat belts, and car seats were all acceptable/unnecessary- clearly they were ignored.

as for your ring. None of her business.

Have a nice long break away. Dont see her 121 any more

she is controlling

and she’s wrong. So so so so wrong about honey. And the coat/car

Nobody in their right mind puts honey on a newborns dummy

what a dickhead she is

When I got home yesterday I had a message from future FIL asking if I got home ok, gave him a quick reply not thinking about it. DP just called asking what happened yesterday, I assumed MIL had called him trying to get in there first like someone suggested up thread. FIL had actually called to let him know he had told her she was in the wrong and that she needed to “wind her neck in and not risk his relationship with his granddaughter” he’s a fairly quiet man so I am surprised by this. DP could only talk for 5 minutes but has asked me to write a list of what she said so he can go in prepared for her.

There have been other things she’s said that he’s corrected but then she’s argued back and I’ve had to explain the reasoning because he’s got flustered. For example when she was about 3 weeks old I mentioned blw which MIL hadn’t heard of and said it will be too dangerous. DP said no mummy love has read about it and would prefer to do this because it teaches them faster. She then argued how pouches are safer because they have ages and the correct nutrients and DP went blank so then it was left to me to give the other benefits. It sounds like he wants to be able to have the full argument himself this time because he is prepping 😂

On another note, if you’re in a
long term relationship abd have a baby, i think she’s just your mother in law

I would rather not tie myself to her more than I have to at this moment in time so for the next 8 months she is just future MIL 😏

Don't expect an apology it won't happen. I would just be polite when you see her and totally ignore any comments about what you should or shouldn't do, don't reply and change the subject. If you think it will help get DH to have a word, but that will probably cause more trouble. Just treat her like an acquaintance and don't take the bait or worry about what she thinks.

She can try to put you in your place, and you can completely ignore her. It's what I did. I figured out where my MIL wanted to be numero uno at all costs (generally stuff to do with housewifery and hosting and "looking after" DH) and let her have it. Win-win for me, personally. Once she had that she tried to be #1 in all matters concerning my babies. When I made it clear that wouldn't be happening she understood the lay of the land. You could say, I put her in her place in my life.