How I’ve annoyed MIL to be

[Mummylove2026]

My future MIL pulled me today because she thinks I have been very difficult lately. DP is working away so I don’t want to tell him until
he's back.

Firstly, my baby is teething. I tried to give her a teething chew from the fridge to settle her but she wasn’t interested. MIL dipped her dummy in honey and said use this instead, I asked what was on it and she said nothing. I knew it had something on so I tasted it. DD is 4 months old so not only is honey unsafe, she’s not on anything but my breast milk yet and I don’t want her having sugar. She argued that I was being a spoilt brat and I will laugh when I look back this was then followed with ramblings about her having 3 kids and 4 grandkids already so she knows best.

I packed up to leave because I was annoyed and she said there you go again, always knowing best, let’s see who knows best when that baby has pneumonia because you won’t put their coat on in the car, another thing you will feel ridiculous about.

This then turned into a rant about how I just don’t listen. She listed things I’ve done recently including booking a holiday to somewhere she told me not to book (her friends have been and apparently it was awful because it was local food only and they had to travel 6 miles for an English bar), to me that’s a selling point. I won’t tell her a present idea she can get me for my birthday, I’m on maternity leave and don’t need anything so I suggested vouchers so I could take my baby out, apparently I will regret this. I’ve had my grandmothers white gold ring resized and a design change as my wedding ring, she thinks I should have got yellow gold so that it stands out because the rest of my jewellery is white gold, it will blend in and look ridiculous.

This morning I would have told you she’s opinionated but we get on great because she accepts what I say, this evening I don’t know what to think. I was speechless by her kitchen door holding my baby. It definitely felt like she had been holding it in, I don’t really know where to go from here. I will probably let DP speak to her but I am going to tell him I won’t be going again alone, she needs reminding that I’m entitled to an opinion and that I expect an apology.

What has OP mentioned that you think she’ll regret later on? Giving a baby honey? Not using a car seat properly? Resizing a ring she likes?

Just keep holding your ground as you are doing. I had this in spades with my inlaws. Constantly being told “we’ve had four children so we know best” blah blah. It’s just unnecessary. She is very clearly trying to put you in your place. I hope when your DP finds out he takes your side and backs you up.

Do NOT allow your DH to go round with baby without you there! Not unless DH shows that he is 1000000% onboard

My advice would be forget an apology, it won’t be sincere IF you get one and she’ll build up more resentment of you. It wouldn’t be worth a light.

I have grandchildren and opinions, but my overwhelming belief is not to dictate, I am not the parent now.

I also stick to current NH guidelines. When I had my first I was advised to put them to bed tummy down and it was fine, they still like to sleep that way now. By the time I had my second, it was ‘back to sleep’ My GCs have slept on their side and I’ve done as instructed when caring for them.

Although a lot of things were ‘fine’ for the majority, none of the things you mention @Mummylove2026 are worth your MIL causing stress over, she just wants to constantly assert herself and in some instances she’s obviously ignorant of commonly known health and safety information. In others, she’s quite rude.

I wouldn’t want her to be with my child without me there.

The matriarch has tried to put you back in your box for not kertowing because she is all knowing and should be revered, how can you possibly have your own thoughts you silly little thing.

I’d not be going back, I wouldn’t expect an apology but nor would I get into a spat about it.

If DH asks what’s happened just shrug and tell him to go ask his mother.

I would leave her to it. Be nice when you see her but make those visits infrequent

Actually thank her for advice.. Because it's another notch on her never having your dc unsupervised... And now the list is too long for you to ever go back on your thinking...
My ils told me they would be giving our vegetarian dc meat when they had them.
So they never did..
Dc never ate more than a biscuit there and they never saw them without me there...
Until we divorced anyway..

Ok. I'm a grandma (60+) and love my grandchildren to bits. I have cared for them two days a week from birth to starting nursery/pre-school. The rule I set myself was to always follow my daughter's instructions/wishes because they are her children, no matter what I personally thought. Some things I think have been silly, but I have followed them. Others are new things that were not around 30 years ago e.g. no honey, no coats in car seats. I read up on everything and accepted that things change and knowledge increases. My Instagram and social media are now full of health advice, nutrition for toddlers recipes and crafts to do with little ones. Your husband needs to explain to her that care advice gets updated and that his children are not her children. She must respect the wishes of both of you; but he must make it clear this is coming from him. Good luck.

She may have picked the wrong battle but many of the things young parents whittle about really are not that important.

Beautifully put.

Will your p stand up to her though? Has he got your back because if he hasn't I would seriously reconsider this marriage going ahead.
It will only get worse in the long run unless you put her in her box, screw the lid down and keep your distance.

Im not sure i would class wanting to avoid the risk of infants botulism which can kill as "whittling"
The mil needs to understand that guidance changes alongside the latest evidence and this is op and her dhs child not mils

My MIL was similar so she’s never had DC by herself. You don’t need to justify anything. She’s awful and a total drain on you. Stop seeing her, stop running ANYTHING past her - it’s none of her business. Do not let her have your baby without you present. Get your partner onside and only ever see her in his presence also, so he can be the one to tell her off if she oversteps. Above all just keep your distance and trust in your own mother’s instincts and wisdom.

Agree with PP no more spending time with MIL without DP present. No need to put yourself through that!
It's a fairly common story that grandparents don't know about and/or agree with changes in safety advice for babies (I had a disagreement with my MIL because she bought cot bumpers for DC1 after I had told her they weren't recommended any more). Main thing is that you and DP are on the same page as each other, so she doesn't drive a wedge between you.

Do you live with pil? Yanbu but you need to distance yourself from her.

I agree- but 23 cases since 1970 doesn’t really warrant a ‘leave the bitch go no contact ‘ reaction does it ? The mil needs to understand guidance has changed and as I said these weren’t the battles to have.

Don't let her get to you.
Also, don't bother seeing her anymore. Spoilt brat?!
Your husband can take the baby there with him.
She doesn't have to agree with our rules, but she does have to accept them. You're the mum, not her.

The fact mil would leave a coat on during a car drive isn't whittle either....
You'll get the Back In Her Day dc didn't even use car seats...

what part of these weren’t the battles to have is difficult to comprehend?

I agree
These are serious safety issues. Different to an older child having a later bedtime or a bigger slice of cake than at home.
I didn't say the op should go no contact but mil needs to know there are some things that aren't a compromise or a :ive had 4 kids all fine " type approach

don’t let her think she has any power over you. And honestly, let her think you’re difficult. Who cares? Difficult in her eyes just means impossible to push around. Own it.

Agree with this! 👏

I wouldn’t bother trying to get an apology, I’d just give her consequences - no more visits unless you absolutely have to for a start.

I'm having a bad week so id have packed up too.

The problem is shes handling it poorly AND shes in the wrong

Let your DH handle this in terms of comms but from your POV at this point I'd shut down and withdraw.
All good will would be gone....
And I would absolutely NOT be visiting again.

she can come to yours once a month ( dont send dh and baby to hers) and I'd cap these visits and keep it short.

She has massively overstepped .

She sounds overbearing and opinionated. Ignore what she is saying, they shouldn’t have a coat on in car seat and yes honey under 1 years old is dangerous. Let husband deal with her.

To save yourself future bother, I'd stop having anything to do with her. She is awful and overstepping.

Limit contact. She is very rude.