If you notice your friend has lost some weight…

[XGiveMeStrengthX]

Friendly reminder folks:

Your comments will be very likely to make your friend feel judged.

It’s bloody hard shifting significant amounts of weight and takes calorie restriction along with consistent exercise. This is regardless of whether they have used weight-loss drugs.

So, be a supportive friend.
You really don’t need to comment unless invited.
If they don’t ask for your opinion, then keep it to yourself.
It’s rude to talk about other people’s weight loss or gain for that matter.

Thanks 🙏

If it was a VERY close friend, I 'might' ask/mention their weight loss, but only if something prompted it 'I've not been well lately', 'I'm not hungry anymore' etc.

Anyone else, its rude to say something like 'You look really good now/You look so well'. It implies that they looked bad/ugly/unwell when fat!

The flip side are those that want to talk about their weight loss ALL the time. I'm in a hobby group and one woman doesn't stop! She has verbal diarrhoea about her weekly weight loss, where she is buying clothes now, what size bras she has now and gives us updates on the whatsapp messages. These are meant to be for important, hobby related changes, venue changes etc. I'm pleased that she is happy, but TBH, I couldn't care less what her underwear size is 😕

It depends on your friend. If you know your friend has been working hard to lose weight and doesn't have disordered eating then fine I guess.

But I've known lots of people for whom weight loss is due to illness they didn't yet wish to disclose or because of a recurrence of an eating disorder and "praise" has just fed in to it.

Loads of people are on GLP-1 drugs these days. My friend is pretty open about it.

My dearest friend has always been very overweight. I moved away so don't see her face to face as much as I would like. I saw her at a funeral in the summer and she had shed a shit ton of weight but I didnt say anything as it wasn't the right time. She came to visit later in the summer and I said she looked great - she was well chuffed and we had a good chat about how it had taken her 2 years of graft and how well she was feeling.

I don't think you get the authority OP on telling people what to talk about and what not, I am sure most adults can judge whether appropriate or not.

You know your own friends.

So don't let the OP or any other random tell you what you should or shouldn't say to them.

I have a friend whose weight has fluctuated over the years I have known her. I never bring it up but we definitely do discuss it and she is open with me about her dieting / efforts to lose weight etc. I never comment when she’s lost weight because I’m always concerned that the logical conclusion for her to reach is that every time we meet I am judging whether she has lost or gained weight, but that I only mention it when she has lost. I tell her how proud I am of her when she is managing to maintain healthy habits but I never talk about how she looks. I’m not sure if she would rather I commented on the way she looks when she has lost weight, she’s never said if she did.

A lot of dramatic comments on here about ‘not talking to anyone for fear of offending’ which are ridiculous but in reality it can be difficult because it’s so socially acceptable to praise people for losing weight.

so many sanctimonious posts on MN lately trying to tell grown adults how to behave.

Here's the thing: if they are your friend, you will probably know how to talk to them already. So carry on being you around your friend, and if you accidentally upset or offend them? apologise and you both move on with your lives.

I have a small group of friends from school ( all now in 50s) and we would comment and not mind. One is on the thin side so we have to be sensitive to that and another is massive. We know each other well enough to know what can/can’t be said. By the by the slim friend is the most annoyed by comments about how lovely and thin she is. We would all much rather be told we are kind or helpful.
Outside that group I wouldn’t normally comment. That said I have a massage therapist who recently lost 5 stone. When I first saw her I had to work quite hard to not show any shock. As it is such a personal situation I did very slowly wind round to the subject. Are you well etc, eventually saying have you lost weight. She laughed, talked about it openly and then said about someone we both know to be very blunt;

”I saw Meg the other day and she said what’s wrong with you have you got cancer?”

We both had a good laugh about that but most people on this thread would’ve been very offended.

In conclusion you need to know your audience.

"Sorry Barbara, I know we've known each other for 20 years and you're upset I haven't mentioned you're looking much slimmer and healthy lately, but an anonymous poster on the internet asked me not to."

"She even used the 🙏 emoji, so what was I supposed to do?"

This. In my family when i was growing up it did not matter at all what you did, who you were, how kind you were, what your achievements were- it was all about weight. Thin is good. Chubby or fat is bad. It is still like that.

Last time I was staying with my parents my mother saw a neighbour going past and exclaimed with approval 'You have lost so much weight!! Oh Good On You'.

The neighbour looked at her witheringly and said 'Terminal cancer will do that to you' and went off in her mobility scooter. Did not cause my mother to reflect at all.

I never ever ever comment on weight. It's none of my business.

I think people generally do comment on weight loss less now. I've noticed that and I appreciate it.

Well, apart from older generation (60-70 plus). Aquaintances in that age bracket have continued to point it out and "praise" weight loss, say how "fantastic" someone (me) looks etc.

But I think younger people have got more sensitivity and don't,

I lost over three stone (over 25 years ago now) and was delighted when people noticed and offered compliments.

I think there’s an important caveat in the OP that’s very relevant and should assuage people who want to comment on weight to people - “if they don’t ask for your opinion….” If your friend starts a conversation about their weight loss then clearly they’re ok with discussing it. If they have lost significant weight and don’t ever mention anything about it, then perhaps that’s an indicator that they don’t want to talk about it!

From my personal experience, when you have lost a very large amount of weight, people seem unable to prevent themselves from commenting. Not just friends but just people I see regularly due to work, school etc. I don’t ever raise the topic of weight, mine or any one else’s, so these comments are totally unsolicited. I find them very awkward and tedious, and I don’t want, need or welcome praise and congratulations about my weight loss.

ah, that is all this thread was lacking: the ageist bollocks.

How do you know that your friends don’t mind you commenting, if you don’t let them lead the conversation?

Even when it’s meant as a compliment, commenting on weight loss can hit sensitive stuff—people might have a complicated relationship with their body, health, or food, or the weight loss might not be intentional or positive. Praising it can feel like their worth is being tied to being smaller.

Waiting for them to bring it up is kinder because it lets them stay in control of their own story. If they’re proud, they’ll share. If not, they don’t have to explain or feel put on the spot. Telling them that they look good, happy, or just saying it’s good to see them is more supportive.

💯 agree @SilenceInside

Good for you! 🙌
Not everyone is delighted though.

I agree with you. Unless they openly talk about it first it’s rude to comment.

I would never ever bring up the subject of someone’s weight loss or gain. I don’t think weight loss is an achievement or anything particularly to be proud of, so it seems very odd to me.

Because I know my own friends and you absolutely don't 🙄

Oh good, so you can acknowledge not everyone feels the same way now?

Bit of a pointless thread then, eh.

Not trying to be “sanctimonious” with this post, I’ve just noticed over in the weight loss threads that a lot of people feel the same way.

It’s a discussion about boundaries I suppose not a moral lecture.

Asking people to wait until someone brings up their own weight is really just about respect and consent. Bodies are personal, and you can’t tell from the outside whether a change is welcome, neutral, or tied to something hard.

Pausing before commenting avoids accidentally putting your friend (whose feelings you presumably care about) on the spot or reinforcing the idea that their body is up for public review.

I think it’s actually interesting how defensive some people seem to be about their perceived right to comment on absolutely everything.

I think there is a middle ground. You can gently comment on someone’s weight loss in a non-judgemental way. I have been overweight for years. When I was young I was horribly bullied about it, and received awful comments from strangers and I wasn’t as big then as I am now! So I tend to avoid talking about my appearance. And if well meaning people do comment on my - very slow - weight loss, I tend to panic a little and change the subject. I can’t help it, I find it triggering especially in front of others. But if someone quietly mentioned they had noticed I’d lost some weight and that I was looking well, I’d be ok with that.
if you don’t know the person well and don’t know how your comments will be received, then perhaps don’t make them.

Agreed.