Today I returned my husband's christmas gift-how would you feel?

[SootySweepAndSueToo]

I need some perspective in this situation as I'm feeling quite emotional.

This christmas i bought my husband of 13 years a watch. Background: he loves watches, always looking at them online, when we go shopping we always have to stop and look in watch shops, he picks out ones he likes best. He's been having a rough time with work and car issues (nothing financial related and we're not struggiing thankfully) so I bought him a watch he'd picked out, I thought he deserved something nice to cheer him up. It's not super expensive but is a nice make.

On opening it, he saw the box and said "oh no". Throughout christmas day he kept saying he wouldn't wear it, he already has a watch, he doesn't like the leather straps etc. This carried on into boxing day when feeling a little upset I told him not to worry I'd return it which he agreed to. He even went to his parents to print off the return form, which I filled in, packaged it all up to take to the post office today. Today he states he didn't mean to upset me but wants to keep the watch however won't wear it. I've told him no, it's being returned he doesn't get to keep it just because he knows he's upset me.

I am upset but need some perspective, am I being too emotional about this? Was it a bad gift? How would you feel? Or do I need to get a grip?

OP said he had pointed it out on a previous shopping trip, she didn’t just throw a dart at the Argos catalogue and buy whatever it landed on.

This is a long-ish story but present giving and my DH were a stressful combination. He would be pissed off that I wasn't grateful enough for his expensive present (he travelled a lot so it was generally over-priced blingy airport jewellery) even though I thanked him when I received it. He would give out to me that it cost a fortune but I never wore/used it. But whatever I bought him was instantly thoughtless and inadequate, I never even got polite thanks.

We had relationship counselling for many reasons and I brought up his weird behaviour. I said I thought it was to do with his mother who for various reasons was a bit insecure and all her favours and presents were transactional. She was the kind to force a favour that you really didn't need or want from her to you and then call it in at an awkward time or an inconvenient way. I said that I felt he was afraid to like anything that I gave him because he felt that it would give me a hold over him, but that's not why I give gifts. He thought about it for ages and then decided that I might be right and since then he has been more polite. Sometimes I genuinely get a present wrong and he doesn't use it much, but things have been better.

You bought a watch, he doesn’t like it 🤷🏻‍♀️ Fair enough to be disappointed the gift wasn’t one he loved, but being “upset” is a bit OTT.

I asked dh to return the watch he got me for my 50th as, while it was nice enough, I would never wear it. We have been together long enough to be honest with each other.

Me and DH are both sending back gifts we bought each other this year! We both bought each other gifts that are very nearly what we wanted, but not quite right. He bought me some expensive shoes, and they are a colour I just won’t wear, he’s swapping them for same shoes in a different colour. He also bought me a very expensive and technical piece of equipment for my hobby, but it is a measuring device and the scale is the wrong one on it, so he is exchanging it for the same thing but with correct scale. I will use both these things until they are worn out, and he’s been really thoughtful, but it makes sense to get them just right. Likewise, I bought him something he’d given a really detailed description of and was really hard to find. When I found it I thought brilliant! Found it! But it still wasn’t right so we are going to return the gift and look together for the right one. Neither of us is disappointed by this. And this year, because my mother wasn’t here for Christmas for the first time ever, we were able to chat about it like adults without her shouting ‘you are so ungrateful!’ from the wings.

I don’t think there is anything wrong with what your DH has said.

He doesn’t want it, so returning it is the best thing to do. Tell him to look around and decide what to do with the refund. I wouldn’t be happy with him keeping it just to save your feelings?! I’ve returned 3 things my teenagers didn’t like. I certainly don’t want them to keep them to spare my feelings! I got £62 back onto my credit card. I told them to look for something else online and to let me know.

I think it's best to "pretend" on Christmas day so that the giver has their moment of pleasure and then have second thoughts on Boxing Day evening.

OP, you're sending the watch back because it's a waste of money if your H won't wear it.

You're not going to buy him a replacement gift because he was a rude, thoughtless wanker and doesn't deserve one.

Is he usually this awful about presents or did something short circuit in his brain?

I think the tactlessness here lies mainly in the going on and on about over Christmas and Boxing Day.

It sounds as though he liked the watch, as he'd previously picked it out when you went shopping, so I'm not sure why he didn't accept it graciously even if he is attached to his current watch. Having a second watch is no bad thing, all watches need repair and maintenance and a spare is useful at those times.

If he definitely didn't want it, he should have picked his moment to mention it, said it once and been done with it, not fuss about it over a period of two days.

I agree with this. DH bought me a pair of earrings for Christmas. He'd clearly put thought into it, they're from a jewellers that I've bought pieces from before but unfortunately they're not to my taste. That's ok, I've sometimes got presents wrong for him too despite my best intentions.

But there's a difference between saying thank you and then another day asking if you could swap them for something else and saying "oh no" when opening a gift and then going on about it. Your DH has been rude and tactless.....there are ways of being honest that still acknowledge that another person thought of you and wanted to buy you something they thought you would like.

Who says 'oh no' upon opening a gift even?! It's that tone I would be more upset about i think.

Don't give it any thought and return it.

All the people telling the OP to get a grip, have no manners!
And fuck returning it and then having a 'nice' day out where the OP buys him something he really wants - arsehole behaviour doesn't deserve a reward!
Now if it was expensive and you (as a family) can't afford to write that off by him pretending to love it, to spare your feelings, then there are tactful ways of engineering a return. But he has completely trampled all over the OP's feelings by saying 'oh no' and rushing to get the return slip printed. If that was my dh, it would be the last gift I ever bought him tbh.

Those saying it's his to do with as he wants, are missing the point - this is about manners and consideration for the effort his wife made, not about the gift itself.

As with all of these sorts of AIBUs I can't tell if the posters telling OP - with great originality - to "get a grip" when he's been a tactless wanker are men's rights activists who defend the man's side under any circumstances or just handmaidens

It's also quite easy to misperceive someone as 'always looking at' something. Apparently. My ex got it into his head that I loved owls and was always looking at stuff with owls on. I think that this was entirely in his head because I like owls, but a normal amount, no more than any other person.

He'd religiously buy me stuff with owls on. Every single year. Even things that you'd swear you couldn't get owls on, he'd find one with owls on. The year of the stuffed owls was the end for us. But he would swear blind that I LOVED owls.

These things happen, OP. Your DH was a bit tactless but it's not the end of the world.

Bit extreme reaction thinking there’s maybe more to this ?

I think it's a man thing, my son aged 22 has told me DO NOT buy me anything I haven't chosen. I now don't buy him anything he hasn't chosen, it does feel like I can't treat him but saves me returning things🙄

This. I can't believe how many posters are completely ignoring his awful behaviour.

But he’d pointed out the watch as something he really liked when window shopping.

@SootySweepAndSueToo - he was very tactless in the way he went about telling you but once the dust has settled and you can talk about it calmly I’d point out that you only bought it because he keeps talking about how much he loves watches and this one in particular.

Warn him that it’s normal for thoughtful people to pick up on those sorts of clues when shopping for loved ones. And he should be more specific in future - “that’s a lovely watch but I’d never wear it” for example when window shopping.

My DD bought her husband a watch for Christmas . He was delighted with it and with the fact that she had the jeweler to remove a couple of links from the strap so it fits him. The difference between him and your husband is that although he already has at least 6 watches , he likes to wear different ones for different outfits and occasions . She also bought him nice cabinet to keep them/ display them in . He is very happy .

Some of the responses here are unhinged. A grown adult should not be opening a thoughtful gift and saying "Oh no" like a disgruntled toddler. It is pathetic behaviour. You can dislike something with a bit of tact. Use the money to buy yourself something nice op.

I don’t understand what has changed between him picking the watch out, and him opening it on Christmas Day.

I wouldn’t mind him changing it, because watches/jewellery are such personal things and it’s too expensive to just sit in a drawer. But I’d be gutted he hadn’t loved it, and that’s not going to have been helped by his very ungracious way of telling you he didn’t like it.

Return it and get something for yourself 👍🏼

It’s not unreasonable for it not to have hit the mark. But him making a great bloody fuss of how much he doesn’t like it really isn’t ok.

A simple ‘thank you’ and then a conversation privately later to say ‘I love the thought but I’m afraid I won’t wear this can we return it’ would be fine.

I don’t think you’d be half as bothered if he hadn’t made such a point of not liking it, right? I mean who turns on a printer on Christmas Day??

I was brought up to accept a gift graciously. That good manners dictated saying thank you and, even if it wasn't what I wanted, or I didn't like it very much, on no account let the gifter know I was anything less than pleased.

If a person has taken time and trouble to seek out a gift, as OP did, then it was the height of bad manners, and totally entitled, selfish behaviour to react in the childish way OP's H did.

I would be sending the watch back and next Christmas it would be a pair of socks he would be getting because that's all such unappealing behaviour deserves.

I would be upset by how he behaved. He could have appreciated the thought and the effort while explaining that this one is not for him and would you mind terribly if it were returned. A little bit of love and a little less ‘OMG Sooty this is the worst present ever, urgh urgh send it back right now’. I mean that reaction is so bad it’s almost funny.

Unless you have given him a watch for Christmas for the last 13 years and he has patiently and politely said every year that he would really like socks next time?

Or he has shared with you at length this year how he has developed a severe watch phobia and asked for your help avoiding seeing any time pieces?

Clutching at straws here.