If you're a mum, when do you get a break?

[molifly]

I have a toddler and an 8 year old. I work part time, contracted 3 days a week but probably work the equivalent of 4 with extra hours that I do over the week. On the other days I completely run every aspect of everyone else's life. My days off are spent with my youngest, shopping, cleaning, organising and looking after my Dad.

My partner works full time and thinks this makes him god. On a Saturday I take the children out first thing until early afternoon to allow for his lay in. On a Sunday it's supposedly my turn but by the time everyone's gone downstairs I'm wide awake and after half an hour they all come to find me.

We have parents nearby on both sides but they aren't ones that help. If I had an appointment they'd help if asked but not the type to babysit for a date night etc.

If this sounds like you, when do you genuinely get a break? I don't think I've been home alone since before my youngest was born. I could do with just laying in bed for 3 hours with nobody needing me but that will just never, ever happen. Even if I booked DC in for an extra nursery day, I'd still be required to get up, sort everything out and do the school/nursery run therefore it feels not worth it. Im usually fine with it but I honestly feel exhausted to my bones.

Never, to be honest.

Jesus. Never. I never had a day off since he was born. Can’t believe I took our son abroad for over 2 months when I was on maternity leave, and then once for two weeks, all alone, and my husband stayed home. Lucky bastard.

I’m afraid, never. Could you book into a hotel for a night to get a proper rest? I only have one dc so I do get a bit of a break but I’ve never had an actual day off, like 24 hours off.

Never! I’m a lone parent (her Dad has passed away) and don’t get any help. Ever. I only have one living parent who is elderly and can only drive in daylight so I don’t like to trouble her and DD’s grandparents on her late DF’s side aren’t interested in remaining in touch so like it sounds like you are most days, I’m flying solo every day. It’s hard as hell but I’d say more so emotionally than physically as you get into a routine. That’s not to say that the physicality doesn’t ever become too much, because omfg it does, especially if I’m ill. If I’ve got a major fever and I’m shaking, dizzy, vomiting etc I cannot just lay in bed I’ve got to down a handful of Pro Plus and keep going (have fallen asleep stood up many times!). I did get a break a couple of times when DD was small and she stayed at my mums but that’s not doable anymore so now it’s just when DD is at school.
Now DD is 10, I don’t really want much of a break anyway, as I enjoy spending time with her at the weekends. I don’t plan to date until DD is an adult for many reasons and sadly I don’t have any proper friends as all my friendships died out when my ex passed away, strangely, so I’ve no need to get a break at the mo tbh (although I’d die for long sleep in, with earplugs, maybe in a hotel room one day! Just once!).

I don’t know what it’s like to have more than one kid but I’m sure there’s added stresses of bickering etc that would still drive me up the wall even if I had the perfect husband to help!
Anyway, I hear you! Book a night at the coast for just you. Take a well deserved night to yourself! I would in your shoes.

Once your toddler goes to school it will be a lot easier! So you just need to limp through the next few years…

At Christmas.
Child's father has never seen her and I don't know where any of his family is. I don't see my family except at Christmas.

All the time, and I work full time in 4 days with 1 day off midweek for childcare/chores. I have 3 kids the youngest is almost 3, but DP is great even with the older one who’s not his biologically.
I get nights and days out with friends or on my own. Take it in turns for proper lie ins when we can.
You have a massive partner problem, he’s not pulling his weight. Leave the kids with him and leave him to it. Why does booking a day off/extra nursery day mean you can’t lie in? My partner gets DS ready for nursery and does a school and a nursery drop off and pick up every day before and after work as I work long hours, however if I had a day off and didn’t need to get up he would do it still and I would sleep.
I wouldn’t be facilitating his long lie in when he doesn’t treat you the same way. Looks like you need to stay in next Saturday and send the kids up to wake him after half an hour.

Your partners shit.

At those games I got a break occasionally, dp would take them out, and I had evening activities that were just for me.

Honestly, it's tough, especially people (your DH in your case). Don't see unpaid work as work! Your DH either has to step in, or you will need a cleaner and childcare. However, your toddler will start school at some point so it's not forever.

I'd bin the partner here, he's not really any help, probably just more work.

When I am asleep 🙈

New Year's resolution for you - alternate the Saturdays, and be absolutely non-negotiable about it

Otherwise nope, never a break

Never. No help on either side and my working arrangements are much like yours op. Work part time but have my dc on my days off. I manage to stay on top of washing and general day to day stuff but our house has a million DIY jobs that need doing, masses of decluttering and god forbid Dh and I should ever get a night off. It’s really really hard. My only downtime is for about an hour once the kids are in bed before I go to bed.

Never. However, sometimes when the dc are at school , I call in sick and have a day off. 16 years of solo parenting...

Didn’t ever happen, unfortunately (& also fortunately, cos DC are the best thing that ever happened to me!)

When I want one and Dh is available to take on the parenting load. I work part time, Dh works probably part time as well (both self employed).

I sometimes go do things I want during the day as I can be flexible with work. But assuming I’m not needed in the evening (if Dh is at work), I go do things I want. Or on the weekends, I may take a few hours to go exercise or go see my horse or go for a coffee. Dh is just as hands on and capable as me.

He also takes dc away for weekends sometimes camping or to visit family. He’s taking youngest away for the last few days of the Christmas holidays, for example, then I’m mostly only with teen dd who is easy (I can leave her home if necessary). I also go on holiday solo at least once a year. Went to London a few months ago and Spain before that. Will probably go to Spain again next year for a week or so. Dh can parent just fine without me.

We’ve never done anything different. I was off to work in Australia for several weeks when eldest was 18 months, so he is just as capable as me. I set the stage from very early on that I’d be busy with my career and with hobbies and with travel and of course, he’d be carrying his load so I can do those things (as I also do for him).

That’s also definitely the norm in our social circle. The dads often go away camping to give us all a weekend off. And us mums have always had busy lives and careers, so always the expectation that he’d be an active involved parent.

I think it is about carving tiny bits of time for yourself rather than waiting for a whole day / 24 hours that won't come. And also being far more boundaried - with work and your DH. Don't let him have sat off unless it works both ways, and if work are paying you for 3 days then stick to this.
Im a single parent with a full time demanding job so i spend most of my life in a state of overwhelm, but the above things do help!

Lone parent, never.

Also to add - cut as many corners as you can, simple meals, cleaner etc. Then utilise the time for yourself!

You're working the equivalent of 4 days and doing everything else. He's working 5 days and gets every Saturday morning to rest...

That sounds seriously unbalanced to me and no wonder you are exhausted

well my husband doesn't think he's a God so that helps. we have 3 - 6, 6 and 10. three years ago for my 40th I got a coach to Europe for 3 days to see Andre Rieu. hubby paid. hubby did child care.
I have two girl weekends away a year. DH looks after the kids. I went to the cinema night before Xmas eve, DH put the kids to bed. if I told DH tomorrow I needed a break, he'd kook after the kids. I had a lie in Xmas eve cos I've been up late nights doing Xmas prep. he respects me. that's the key.

Every other weekend my kids go to their dads which probably sounds like a lot to some people but I work nearly full time and during the time I have them, I am either working, looking after them or sleeping. I don’t get an evening now because my eldest goes to bed shortly before me.

Toddlers are full on and I don’t miss that stage but their needs change a lot as they get older too.

If you have a partner there’s literally no reason you can’t have a break, a day to yourself every few weeks.

All the time and whenever I want. I work 3 days a week and my husband works full time. We both have professional, highly skilled jobs but his workload is far harder than mine and I don’t bring work home with me. He still gives me a break, lie-in, whatever I need whenever I want. If I want to lie in, quite honestly I don’t even ask. I just don’t get up. He knows if I don’t get up it’s because I’m too tired to. My child doesn’t come looking for me because my husband wouldn’t let him. “Mummy’s tired and sleeping, you can see her when she wakes up” is something he’s understood since he was still a baby. He pays for my spa membership every Christmas too.

I wouldn’t accept how you’re being treated.

It doesn’t matter what other people get. There is always going to be a spectrum. The point is your DH is getting a a morning off each week and you get 30 mins. So do something about it. Either don’t go out and force him to partake in Saturday mornings, swap days each week and take until lunch, or ideally, get out of the house yourself until lunchtime. If you need the time away. Share the mental load. Plan some evening activities- don’t let life slip you by!

I would go for coffee alone for about 2 hours usually with a book..or drive alone and look at the ocean and breathe. Alone time is impossible in the house as kids seek you out, even if dh is trying to take control. For a few years for birthdays or Christmas I'd ask for a night's sleep, I'd book into a cheap hotel and it would reset me.

Dh and I also have a 'day off' every summer. This involves up to 24 hours of whatever you want but requires you to be uncontactable unless emergency and you do not have to prepare anything for anyone else before leaving. Over the years I've gone for hikes, gone day drinking in a bar, had a mini city break, whatever I needed at that time. Its just a day but has a long lasting effect.