If you're a mum, when do you get a break?

[molifly]

I have a toddler and an 8 year old. I work part time, contracted 3 days a week but probably work the equivalent of 4 with extra hours that I do over the week. On the other days I completely run every aspect of everyone else's life. My days off are spent with my youngest, shopping, cleaning, organising and looking after my Dad.

My partner works full time and thinks this makes him god. On a Saturday I take the children out first thing until early afternoon to allow for his lay in. On a Sunday it's supposedly my turn but by the time everyone's gone downstairs I'm wide awake and after half an hour they all come to find me.

We have parents nearby on both sides but they aren't ones that help. If I had an appointment they'd help if asked but not the type to babysit for a date night etc.

If this sounds like you, when do you genuinely get a break? I don't think I've been home alone since before my youngest was born. I could do with just laying in bed for 3 hours with nobody needing me but that will just never, ever happen. Even if I booked DC in for an extra nursery day, I'd still be required to get up, sort everything out and do the school/nursery run therefore it feels not worth it. Im usually fine with it but I honestly feel exhausted to my bones.

• Every Friday (I work three days a week, DC are in childcare four days a week, so I get one day just for me).
• DH will take DC out for a few hours both weekend days (morning or afternoon) so I can chill, then we spend the rest together. We take turns having weekend lie ins.
• Evenings. DH does bedtimes, so that’s 60-90 minutes of couch solo chill time for me.

My DH likes me and enjoys parenting, fortunately. He works in a ‘big job’, but I don’t think it would even occur to him that this meant he could just opt out of childcare/domestic labour. And we both acknowledge that I need more solo recharge time than he does.

Why are you looking after your Dad? That needs to stop, for starters.

Never (single mum of 3 since twins were babies) not even when I’m asleep as the twins are still terrible sleepers!

I am way past those years, we both worked, DH was decent and we shared everything. I also went away by myself occasionally to see friends. It acceptance of the way things are that’s the issue because your husband is the issue. We lived hundreds of miles from all family so it was all on us.

Other than single parents with no extended family support, both parents can have time off. You have an evening or weekend away whilst your partner parents his children and vice versa.
Your partner isn’t a god for working full time so stop facilitating him to be so lazy. You’re not helping yourself.
Arrange a night out at the local wine bar or an afternoon tea with friends as your New Year resolution.

LOL. I am a lone parent to two autistic children and autistic myself. I have a demanding professional job that’s full time. Both children are regularly off school (nearly 50% of the time) while locked in a 2.5 year so far legal battle with the Local Authority refusing to issue them (in one case) or comply with (the other case) their EHCPs. I am responsible for funding the entire household including mortgage and private medical costs due to the failing NHS and legal fees to try to get the Local Authority to meet the minimum requirements of the law so that my children can go to school.

I am responsible for all medical appointments, the legal paperwork and endless meetings with the school and LA (equivalent to another 2/3 FTE most weeks), all the usual household tasks like shopping, cleaning, cooking, extra curricular activities as well as my own actual full time job. I am often called to school to collect one of them before lunchtime because they are distressed by the environment. One was off for 4 months previously and I had to home school her in the daytime and do my full time job at night instead of in the daytime during that period and sleep for only two hours per day. Both of them sleep badly despite melatonin prescribed by their paediatrician so even a few hours of unbroken sleep for me is rare.

I’ve been a lone parent since they were babies and they are now 8 and 9. My family have never lifted a finger or looked after them even for a couple of hours despite being perfectly capable (siblings with no children of their own and undemanding jobs, parents retired for decades who do no volunteering etc and have no demands on their time).

The short answer (!) is I do not get any break, ever, and am in total burnout, have been for some time and will remain so because there is no choice: this is what I have to do. It’s unlikely to improve in the teen years either as they’ll be particularly vulnerable then and need more support, not less. Perhaps in another ten years things may start to ease up a bit.

In your case, OP, there is no reason you should be having such a hard time: their other parent needs to pull his weight and you need to put your foot down and demand this as a basic requirement that should be expected of any adult who decides to have children.

Every Saturday morning when I go to a hobby group.

Tbh it’s a relief reading this thread although I do think your partner needs to do a lot more. Mine is quite lazy and doesn’t take the kids out. So I literally never get a break.

He just does his own thing … we’re both off this week but the kids are with me by default because he will nip out for haircuts, sort the car out, we need this, that needs doing.

It isn't all bad. He’s kind, very financially generous, gentle with the children, loving dad and husband but so lazy.

I have given up trying to address it. I’m just hoping when my youngest is at school I’ll have a couple of days a week to myself (work part time)

But when you read MN it’s easy to think that everyone living their best life because they have partners slaving away while they enjoy lie ins, nights out, regular days alone in the house recuperating and lots of chill time. Maybe it’s possible with supportive grandparents, my parents are dead and DHs aren’t local.

Could you accept that it's never going to happen with this weekly schedule, but go away on your own (or DH takes kids away in his own) overnight a few times a year. Obviously this doesn't help with the never getting time on your own in the house.

I think if you ever want any improvement you need to insists DH can look after them independently for a full 24hr period. I returned to 12 hour shifts when DD was 9 months (only part time) and with commute and late finishes it meant her dad had to parent her independently, which was great for both of them.

I don’t understand this. We don’t have family support either, but I have all the lie ins I need and days to myself. It’s just me and my husband but we make sure there’s an even split of time to ourselves. I’ll go to the spa, he’ll go swimming or cycling, he’ll have a lie in on Saturday, I will on Sunday and so on. Why doesn’t your husband take your children out? That’s so sad. Mine goes off for entire days with dad or with me while the other parent does what they want. We do lots as a family too, but it’s also nice to do things with each parent separately.

We have an equal partnership so lots of breaks

your ‘partner’ is an arsehole who needs to pull his weight

he’s not kind and gentle - he’s treating you like shit and is a dreadful role model for your children

I couldn’t be with someone who treated me like that

I’m sorry you don’t understand but how much clearer can I be than ‘my husband is lazy’?

I understand the words, I just don’t understand living that way.

I am sure you think would divorce and have done with it: it is it that simple when it’s someone actual life. DH is great in many ways, shit in others - as I am, to be fair.

It is that simple.

To all the poor women who never get a single hour of down time - get divorced. He gets custody, you get time off. When I left my ex, I got entire days and weekends just for me. It was bliss. I've remarried and we each get time alone. Right now, you nothing more than a domestic appliance who also provides sexual services. STOP.

HE DOESN'T LOVE YOU. I promise you he doesn't even like you.

See "The Abbey Eckel" on fb for more about this.

OP - He feels like a god because you treat him like one. Stop doing things for him! Let him fail.

OK, so it if happens to you, you know what you’d do. I’ve made a different choice, and it is a choice, I don’t have a bad life but until my youngest is four I won’t have any time to myself. It will gradually get better. If I left, it wouldn’t

Plenty of mums work full time- do you think they behave as your husband does? Take a guess.

I had to fake an early work appointment in a different town when I felt I really can’t go on anymore. My first night of uninterrupted sleep and laying in bed past 6.30am since my toddler was born, it was amazing. Will do one again next year.

But it’s not just about you and your lack of time to yourself. I couldn’t be with a man who didn’t spend days doing things with his children.

Breaking up a family is never simple. It is incredibly difficult and complicated for everyone and damaging to children. Yes sometimes it's the best option in a really bad situation but this is not one of those situations.

Regularly, because my kids have 2 parents and my DH isn't an arse. We've had various setups with regards to the actual logistics over the years depending on work, extra curricular and childcare schedules but I get as much downtime as he does.

All the time. My DH works full-time (probably a good few hours more than your husband) and he still makes sure I get a break regularly.

When my dcs were babies/ toddlers 30 years ago we shared Saturday...dh had till 1pm free, I had rest of the day. Did it from when they were about 6 months old. I also had a 4 day break away on my own every year as did he.