@Somehowgirl look - it isn’t for me to say how anyone should approach things or how they should feel.
I did once semi seriously consider leaving DH, largely to get a break. At the time I think DD was around eight / nine months so out of that stage where they sleep a lot and can just be carted around, and ds was three. I was exhausted and in quite a dark place and to be honest that lasted most of last year, when I had both children home with me. Much of it is like a fog.
Have I tried to speak to DH - of course. But some things just are; they aren’t his fault or my fault (his job, for example) and others are unbelievably frustrating. I do get annoyed with him just casually walking in and out of the house. Today I took the children for a walk to feed ducks and play on a park. We were out the best part of two and a half hours and DD fell asleep on the way home so all he had to do was watch ds while ds ate lunch but no - he was in and out and messing around with cars. That’s what happens: once something is in his head he just won’t rest until it’s done.
So I could say ‘well, he won’t change’ and divorce him. This would have a huge and to be honest detrimental impact on the children. I know MN folklore is that children are so glad their mother is happy they don’t care; mine would I’m afraid.
I would move back to the house I had before I met DH, which is about forty minutes away. In doing so incidentally I’d be making another family (with a disabled child) homeless … you have to do what you have to do but it’s far reaching, isn’t it, these things we do. Sell our house, change DS school and DDs nursery where both are happy and settled. I’d have to work full time; DD would have to be in childcare full time and ds in wraparound care every day on top of a new school.
There are other far reaching consequences of this sort of action and I won’t enlist them all here but I have to ask myself, is it worth it to get maybe two weekends ‘off’ a month? And my answer is no; I’ve bolded that not to sound arsey or aggressive but just to stress that it’s not for me but I recognise others would say different.
As it is though, as the children get older DH copes better. We’ve fallen into habits and roles and we can probably reshape and redefine in the future, but honestly DH will probably always think nothing of nipping out for a haircut, while any time I have to myself is brief and generally spent rushing around on a deadline because I've got to get back to relieve whoever is looking after the children.
The freedom to just decide I'm off to do X has gone. The things I previously got joy from doing aren't enjoyable with children and I can't justify getting childcare to do them.
But that isn’t always the case, and this is why for me it’s a waiting game. I have another seven months until my youngest turns three. Then another year with her before she starts school. And then all the things I miss (and I do if I’m honest) can be mine again: not all maybe but even things like lie ins, okay no one with a four year old is staying in bed until noon but then I probably wouldn’t have anyway. If ds (5) wakes at 6 for whatever reason I can just mumble at him to please listen to his Tonie box for a bit while I wake up. If dd(2) wakes up at 6 it’s ’mummy… mummy … MUMMY!’ And god forbid I go for a pee before I get her up!
I haven’t sold DH on this thread but at heart he’s a decent and loving family man and we’re in for the long haul. After all, I am not perfect either and I can’t demand perfection from those around me when I’m also far too human. He is tunnel visioned, can be lazy, can be thoughtless. I procrastinate, can be very irritable, impulsive and uptight. There we are: human, but somewhere in the middle of that are two people who are kind, devoted to their children and to one another. Just … human 