If you're a mum, when do you get a break?

[molifly]

I have a toddler and an 8 year old. I work part time, contracted 3 days a week but probably work the equivalent of 4 with extra hours that I do over the week. On the other days I completely run every aspect of everyone else's life. My days off are spent with my youngest, shopping, cleaning, organising and looking after my Dad.

My partner works full time and thinks this makes him god. On a Saturday I take the children out first thing until early afternoon to allow for his lay in. On a Sunday it's supposedly my turn but by the time everyone's gone downstairs I'm wide awake and after half an hour they all come to find me.

We have parents nearby on both sides but they aren't ones that help. If I had an appointment they'd help if asked but not the type to babysit for a date night etc.

If this sounds like you, when do you genuinely get a break? I don't think I've been home alone since before my youngest was born. I could do with just laying in bed for 3 hours with nobody needing me but that will just never, ever happen. Even if I booked DC in for an extra nursery day, I'd still be required to get up, sort everything out and do the school/nursery run therefore it feels not worth it. Im usually fine with it but I honestly feel exhausted to my bones.

Haven't RTFT but the first posts agreeing that mums never get a break is heartbreaking.

I have 2 kids - now 9 and 6, so life is easier - but since they were born I've been home full-time, worked part-time and worked full-time. Other than the very early days when I was exclusively breastfeeding, I have always managed to get breaks for myself - proper sleep ins (until at least 9-10am) - one weekend morning, even when I was home full time and my partner worked fulltime.

He's always been hands on in looking after the kids - when my second child was born, he was the first to take both out alone after a couple of days to give me an hour's peace. I've never had to run around packing bags/ leaving dinners for my DH to take them out or when I'm on nights away (of which I do at least 3-4 a year).

In short, this is an OH problem - he needs to value the work you do. I'm sorry you feel so exhausted and burned out and that you can work with him to make life a little more fair.

When you divorce your lazy bastard of a husband and he has the kids every other weekend. Well that’s my experience anyway.

We aren’t very hi-tech so we don’t do a shared calendar either. We just mention to each other when we want to do something.

In your first post you said he doesn’t take his kids out. So he spends time with them only when you’re there and never affords you time to yourself. That’s as much a damn shame for them as it is for you.

I understand it’s hard when your husband works away. Mine works away 3 months out of the year. However, when he is here he takes my son swimming, takes him out in the camper van for overnight camps together, takes him on play dates or out on his bike. He goes above and beyond affording me time to myself because he understands just how hard it is when he’s not here and I’m doing everything alone.

If you never get time to yourself because of your husband’s attitude of doing what he wants when he wants, then yes he is in fact controlling your time. There is a reason I can do as I please whenever my husband isn’t working away and why you can’t do as you please. It’s not your kids’ fault and it’s not yours…

1 year old and 4 year old

I go out at least 3 evenings mid week either cinema or gym class or something

or just to meet a friend

husband does the same although maybe only once or twice as he’s more interested in staying in and gaming or watching a film - I like to get out

if I take a weekend day I leave the house for a break as well Cus lie in not worth it the baby wanders in and it’s too noisy

getting away from the kids and avoiding bed time a few times a week does wonders for
my mental health honestly

op I’d recommend on Sundays just leave and don’t come back til evening for your break

@Somehowgirl DH does too. But he doesn’t take them both out somewhere together. And when it’s divide and conquer, I inevitably end up with the younger one while he gets the one who doesn’t fling himself to the ground in indescribable fury because you peeled their banana, or something.

This Christmas for instance, we broke up a week ago.

Saturday morning I took the kids to a birthday party. Then I took DD to an event in the afternoon; DH had DS.

Sunday morning was DS’s party. No plans the rest of the day.

DH was ‘working’ Monday - Wednesday but from home and very low key. Not totally fair of me because he did have to be at work but I had the children out for each of those days.

Yesterday I did get disproportionately stuck with the toddler.

Today I’ve already posted about but has taken the pee a bit. And I’ve addressed that with him but in the moment it’s just whatever ‘needs’ doing takes over.

I am pretty sure that as DD gets older and less unpredictable he’ll become a lot more confident being out and about with her and with both of them and even if not I will have some time to myself during the week. I don’t know if you’re posting still thinking a split would be best; it really wouldn’t be.

Don't you mean when DD gets older and is less hard work? Because that's what it is. When they are harder, he doesn't want them alone and that isn't fair. He's a parent and it shouldn't be a choice he gets to have.

He can get more confident by actually just doing it like most parents, especially mothers, have to do.

I completely agree, which might surprise you. I’m not going to say otherwise. But the fact is this isn’t what happens and it isn’t going to happen any time soon, and realising this made me realise I had to make a decision; to leave the relationship or to accept it’s not perfect but better than the alternative and that’s largely what I have done.

He should be capable of taking them both out together. Absolutely incredible that he gets to pick and choose which child he deals with. I hope his job isn’t high pressured if he can’t cope with toddlers and bananas.

Sorry to sound doom monger like! I had zero help with my children throughout their childhood! I was an only parent, and my in-laws refused to help in anyway, zero babysitting, ever! including in emergencies. My father died when my youngest was a few months old and my mother lived 120 miles away, and never babysat when she did visit, so I didn’t basically go out until they were teenagers! I now have grandchildren and I’m helping my youngest daughter as a coparent so at least she’s getting some time off.

Yes, OK @Somehowgirl . I think we’ve more than established your opinion. Is it somehow helping you to keep putting me down? It isn’t helping me; I have to say.

What would happen if you just left him with the children for a few hours?

Whenever I want. If I want a night out with friends then I tell my husband I’m going out. I go to the gym. I get a lie in if I want one. If dh refused then I certainly wouldn’t be entertaining him lying in. I’d send the kids to wake him up. Book a hotel and tell him you’re busy. He’ll have to look after the kids. But my husband isn’t an arsehole

I think it’s quite clear that I’m putting your husband down. Why don’t you just book yourself into whatever thing you want to do for the day? Go meet some friends, got to the cinema, go out for a meal. Anything. Why not just arrange something and leave him with the kids?

I have done so. It is stressful, largely because it has to be pre arranged and with a purpose. I say it has to; I don’t for a moment think he’d refuse me permission if I wanted to go for a walk or something but it would give him a bit of green light to do the same and it’s already a struggle to keep him in the house when we’re both off.

So nothing would ‘happen’ but small things do tend to go awry which have a knock on effect on me. Examples might be - DH decides he must go to screw fix to get some essential item at four o clock; dd (who is dropping her nap) falls asleep on the way and then is awake until ten pm, every toy, puzzle and game in the house is unearthed by a child and scattered far and wide, those sorts of things.

Of course that isn’t always the case and I have come back on occasion to them outside in the garden playing happily (DH is better in summer) but it can be a factor in keeping my trips out to ‘essentials only.’

But there’s nothing to be gained by it at this stage. You clearly think I should leave; I have tried to explain thoughtfully and politely why this is not the case but you still keep replying to me to explain how crap you think my life is! It really isn’t!

You deserve better, you really do.

Better being working full time, stressed, skint, exhausted, children in full time wraparound care / full time nursery, absolutely no time to myself whatsoever bar every other weekend and no hope of that changing? No, thanks all the same.

I work full time. When my two were little I would put thrm in childcare and go to a neighbouring town for the day. I would do this every few months.

I got small parcels of time other than that. Maybe half an hour at night. When they went to birthday parties the host might suggest I can go away for an hour.

My parents don't really help either. My dh gets up early at the weekends and thinks I should get up early too. He does a lot of outside work to relax and doesn't understand about needing a break. He minded them if I wanted to meet a friend for coffee after work.

It is easier now as they are older.

You deserve someone who respects you and considers you to be more than just the help for the children because he can't be bothered doing it when it gets too hard.

If you think your life will be worse by ending things, fair enough.

Not necessarily leave if you don’t want to. I’d give him a massive boot up the arse though and let him know it isn’t acceptable. There’s no chance I’d put up with it so it would be an absolute bollocking for being a crap husband and father or leave.

He must be shit hot at bedtimes though as you’re able to spend a lot of time on this thread so maybe you do get lots of down time.

You’ve never MNetted while you sit by the bath?

I have a 7yo and 3yo and I get a break when my 3yo is in nursery (4 hours Mon-Fri) and my eldest is in school. I don't work. I tend to use that time for errands and chores but I also get some time for myself. DH gets them up for nursery while I get myself ready, and I take them to school & nursery, and collect them both.
I don't go out in the evenings on my own and DH doesn't either, I take my eldest to her after school clubs and I just prefer having dinner and having a home routine with all of us at home. At weekends we spend the time as a family, so we don't get child-free time or a lie-in but it's our choice.

In the Christmas holidays I've had quite a lot of free time, as PILs are visiting and have looked after them sometimes, but they live abroad and they oniy visit at Christmas. Most other school holidays I have the dcs on my own which is full on, but eldest does activity camps and the 3yo has started doing a few camps. We've mostly relied on paid childcare, and I'd be using that more if you can afford it.

Can’t say I have, no. I do often poke about on Mumsnet or read a book while my husband has a shower and does bedtime with our son.

It sounds like you just have one child and that does make a huge difference, without wanting to sound condescending. Both DH and I would be on the home straight by now with just ds

It isn’t in my nature to create discord and ill feeling at this time of year, and this subject just isn’t one we’ll see eye to eye on. I’ve tried to address with DH; it never goes well, I’ve given up. Leaving is something I have considered but on balance isn’t something I want to explore at the moment. I don’t think there’s much else either of us can add to the discussion.

My test is that if your other half isn’t as exhausted as you, then they’re not pulling their weight enough. The family is teamwork or they can fuck off. And a team makes sure its members are all buoyed up, rested and invested.