If you're a mum, when do you get a break?

[molifly]

I have a toddler and an 8 year old. I work part time, contracted 3 days a week but probably work the equivalent of 4 with extra hours that I do over the week. On the other days I completely run every aspect of everyone else's life. My days off are spent with my youngest, shopping, cleaning, organising and looking after my Dad.

My partner works full time and thinks this makes him god. On a Saturday I take the children out first thing until early afternoon to allow for his lay in. On a Sunday it's supposedly my turn but by the time everyone's gone downstairs I'm wide awake and after half an hour they all come to find me.

We have parents nearby on both sides but they aren't ones that help. If I had an appointment they'd help if asked but not the type to babysit for a date night etc.

If this sounds like you, when do you genuinely get a break? I don't think I've been home alone since before my youngest was born. I could do with just laying in bed for 3 hours with nobody needing me but that will just never, ever happen. Even if I booked DC in for an extra nursery day, I'd still be required to get up, sort everything out and do the school/nursery run therefore it feels not worth it. Im usually fine with it but I honestly feel exhausted to my bones.

I’ve got 3 DC aged 7, 3, and 1, and I work full-time, live abroad so no family help. So the answer is: For 2 hours each evening once they are in bed. I’ll do a workout, watch a mindless YouTube video, or just sit with a cup of tea. We’re very strict with sleep and bedtime, and barring illness/teething etc., the DC are down and asleep by 7:30-8pm.

I’ve found that I can’t have a lie in without the DC needing something. DH tried his hardest to get them to leave me alone for a lie in on my birthday, and I found my oldest hiding outside my bedroom door. So, I physically leave the house if I want some peace. Normally under the pretence of running an errand, but I’ll tie a coffee or something else in with it.

There Is NO WAY I would take all the DC out for most of the day to allow for my DH to lie in. Are you serious about that!? You need to get out of that habit right now. Parenting is a team effort, and unless DH was seriously ill, like he is today, we are all up by 7am at the latest with the DC.

It isn’t. I haven’t sold him here but DH does have numerous lovely qualities. However, he is lazy, especially in the morning. Before children, he’d stay in bed most of the mornings on weekends and he still yawns and is tired when he wakes at 730-8 (while I’ve been up for the best part of two hours.)

What I will say though is it’s a slow slide. I didn’t go into marriage or motherhood expecting things to be like this. There’s a thread knocking around from November 2020, just before my first child was born, where I’m wondering about whether to ask for part time or not and so blithely I’m saying that DH and I would be sharing nursery runs and tasks generally. That is (needless to say!) not what happened but it was a gradual slide - if I could do it all again I’d be a lot firmer about not letting some habits get entrenched.

As it is my youngest is two and a half and she is a July baby so she will start school in eighteen short months. And I will stay part time: I consider after the last what will be seven years I’ve bloody well earned a day to myself! My life will be easier, much more enjoyable and more relaxed than DHs. at the moment, the reverse is true. And maybe it will flip again, who knows? But at the moment a ‘break’ is ‘I have one child not two’

This is entirely dependent on whether you have a decent husband or not.
-a) decent, then the amount of disposable time between you is halved.
B) Not decent, then it’s all his
the choice if B is yours. Although if they’re really shit, you might still not get any after divorce.
and to the poster who has detailed her husband is both lazy and kind. No. He isn’t both. Being ‘lazy’ is fine if it’s just you, you choose. But when ‘lazy’ means that someone else is doing your work, then no, that isn’t kind.

@mrsharryohay absolutely it will get better as they get older. Much much better. Until then you can always just leave the house for 10 mins and 'get delayed' for a few hours if DH isn't able to agree to take kids. When he is landed with no choice he might surprise himself and you.

He will have the kids in the house if I want to go out but a) I generally don’t and b) it tends to result in screen time and carnage I then have to clear up. I do sometimes but time to myself is rushed and involves doing every tiny as quickly as possible so as to relieve DH. I think it’s the same for most people with young children tbh.

I think it’s the same for most people with young children tbh.

I don’t agree with this. I think it’s the same for most people - IF their partner hasn’t stepped up.

thankfully, now in 2025, there are plenty of decent fathers and husbands.

Sure but if you have a decent partner there’s the assumption you are a decent partner.

And most people, mum or dad, man or woman, aren’t able to live a carefree life doing what they want when they want with very small children. Even my lazy DH can’t although he has a lot more freedom than I do, it’s still not a lot (and I do point it out to him when he’s taking the piss.)

I’m a lone parent with no extended family - it’s just me and my children. No friends here either. So the answer to your question is never. However - and it’s a huge however - my life on my own with the children is peaceful.

Selfish, useless, man-child partners make life so draining without you even realising!!! Don’t martyr yourself, don’t accept a bare minimum that is full of contempt for you (even if you don’t want admit this, it is).

I cannot believe the number of mums who feel they never get a break. I feel so lucky. I do at least one gym class, a coffee with friends and a long bath with a book most weeks. That's only 3-4h really and most of it during sleep/naps currently. I also sometimes go for a walk with a friend on my lunch break. It all helps me be a better mum because I'm not constantly edging towards or past breaking point.

Read my post above this. I already know what I’d do because I have done so, I do it all on my own. It’s not easy but it’s certainly much better than living with a man who is lazy, disrespectful or useless. I’m on track with my pension to retire in my 50s despite all of these difficulties and I will have a house I own entirely without being in a situation where a man can take that away from me at any point and believe me, if someone’s marriage is this dysfunctional then if they don’t leave their husband eventually he’s likely to leave them - often once the children are teenagers to minimise any maintenance and get a more favourable divorce settlement. Does it never occur to these women that the man also might be just sticking around “for the kids” (although that’s actually worse for them) and they then envision some transformation once the children are grown up and a happy retirement together? It’s delusional.

The academic research is clear: divorce doesn’t damage children, what damages them is any animosity between the parents (best to avoid and be amicable but if you can’t far better not to be living together so the children see far less of it and aren’t witnessing your dysfunctional relationship daily!), and most of all step parents and blended families. The children of single parents who remain single or at least do not cohabit with another partner until they are adults do as well as the children of married couples. I intend to put my children first which is why I’ve remained single since they were babies and will continue to do so throughout their childhood at least, although tbh I can’t see why I’d want to change it then.

It is very simple as I said. The academic research is very clear that living in a toxic household with a broken parental relationship is damaging. The best situation is a happy couple of parents living with their children. If that’s not possible then in terms of life outcomes the next best thing for the children is separated, amicably co-parenting parents who remain single while raising the children (no step parents/ “blended families” - there is no discernable difference in life outcomes for these when the economic impact of maintaining two households is removed i.e. it does not damage children emotionally). The next best is being raised by just one parent who is stable and loving with no other parent/ romantic partners of parents involved with the children (as above, removing economic impact there is no statistically significant negative effect compared to a two parent household, so the answer here is to sort out your economics then your children would actually be at the top of that group so have better life chances than those with two parents living in their house, on average). After that come the children whose parents “stayed together for the children” in unhappy relationships. They don’t fare well. After that come children who are forced to live with step parents. They fare even worse, particularly if shunted between homes where both parents move in new “partners” and force them on the children so they have no safe haven. After that come children who are forced to live in “blended families”. And of course the worst outcomes are those where both parents failed and the child ends up in care/ dealing with adoption trauma.

These are facts, no matter how unpalatable they may be to selfish adults who do not take responsibility and prioritise the wellbeing of the children they decided to create and take whatever steps are necessary to give them the best possible childhood, per the outcomes above which we know for a fact from large scale studies.

It’s particularly egregious effectively to blame the children for poor choices and pretend one is keeping them in a toxic and damaging environment for their benefit. It is not for their benefit whatsoever. It’s usually just because someone is too cowardly to take the initiative and actually change their situation and their children’s lives for the better and instead use the children as an excuse. Evidence is clear that it does not benefit the children to do this; provided they have at least one responsible parent who will remove them from the toxicity and make the effort to provide them with a loving and stable home they will have better outcomes than those who stay “for the kids”.

That’s great. It sounds like you’re good with the choice you’ve made and so am I.

I know that sounds like I’m being really sarcastic and I’m not. I just am not going to divorce when my life is actually about 18 months away from getting easier!

He should get them up and take them out so you can actually get a sleep in once in a blue moon.

If he's incapable of that [eye roll] then I'd book a hotel so you actually get a lie in and a few hours genuinely to yourself.

Or book an extra day now and then of your annual leave just for yourself. Or book an extra day of childcare just for yourself etc.

The two of your work patterns are irrelevant. Even if you both worked full time I bet you'd be in the same situation. You need to force a change.

Ok, so it sounds like your children are almost adults now. If the toxicity started recently then waiting 18 months so as not to disrupt them might be reasonable. If, however, you’ve been in a miserable relationship throughout their childhood or one of these “surface” relationships where you think the children don’t know that you don’t love each other then don’t underestimate the damage that will have done. They do know, and they certainly won’t thank you for it. There were other choices that would have a far higher likelihood of successful life outcomes and happy childhoods for them and you need to own the fact that you chose not to take these options because it might have been harder for you, not them, because the evidence shows very clearly that raising children in a household with parents who would leave the relationship “if it wasn’t for the children” is hugely damaging to those children.

I completely run every aspect of everyone else's life
Sounds like hell. Can you stop doing that? Let their father take over responsibility for his half of parenting and himself.
If you dumped your boyfriend you could both arrange parenting 50/50.

Your financial security should take priority.

If you read my post above I say my youngest is two and a half.

It isn’t my thread and I’m not arguing about it. Leaving would solve nothing. For you, it did.

If by this you don’t mean that your children are almost adults and you just meant that they will be at school soon and you think that will make things easier I’m afraid to say that you are in for a nasty shock.

one is at school and sorry to tel you but life is already much, much easier. Again, sounds like sarcasm; it isn’t.

Two days off a week with a two year old or two days off a week with just me; how that’s not easier I don’t know!

Oh dear.

As I feared per my previous post.

It’s not going to suddenly change once your children go to school. A lazy person will still be lazy. The needs and demands of the children are higher and the hours more inconvenient for work. It isn’t going to get better I’m afraid.

You don't. It's not so much 'having it all' as 'doing it all'.

how is them being in school not easier? school run, leave kids, time in the middle when I don't need to look after a young child, school run, back to normal life.

Yes I know that, I don’t mean DH is going to change, but I will have some time to myself, whereas if I left him, I wouldn’t.

DH is not just lazy, he can be really thoughtless as well. He has tunnel vision, so like now for instance he’s decided something on one of the cars has to be fixed and he’s been out there since I came back with the kids at 1245. I was gone since 10 so he’s had ample time. But in his mind it’s essential and cannot wait and I can’t reason with him.

So … what do you do, say ‘well, we’re incompatible’, divorce, have to work full time, still have to do everything but with maybe a weekend ‘off’ once in a while? I’m not sure it’s worth it tbh. But I do know others feel differently.

I'm a single mum, almost no family support. I have 6am - 6.45 each day for warm & quiet, coffee and peace. Saturday morning I parkrun. Together, they are enough 🙂

Being at work is miles easier than being at home with small child(ren). Miles easier!!

Why do a lot of women on this site pick men that aren't competant? Why?
My dp and myself are equals. You make me feel like i'm "lucky" to have mine because he does, probably more than me.
Op you need to alternate the Sat lie-ins

I work 30 hours 2-3 days a week including weekends. I work 2 weekends a month so I get around 4 days a month, sometimes more if I have AL where both kids are in childcare. It's bloody bliss and much needed! I will try and get everything done in the days leading up to my days off so I can fully recharge. Controversial to some but I have zero guilt.