A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

So many smug bar stewards on this thread.

FFS - I'm guessing the OP had wanted commiseration and not a load of lectures about why she is so crap.

Always starting with the little head tilt and 'I don't mean to sound harsh but ...'

Ha! My best friend told me this 20 years ago that her children - lovely and had loads of play dates etc and ate nicely etc

Mine were interesting (!) debating, arguing, lovely and kind but lazy, argumentative, difficult et al.

I was even told I was too strict and my daughter would rebel! hers of course was wonderful.

Had a few other school mums like this - daughter was in same class - well yours is just difficult.

God mine liked to debate the price of fish! Argue and inserting boundaries eg clean room was a battle.

Best friend (ex) and her daughter one is 30 and married and I have regular contact and she polite and kind the other 20 went off the rails big time - drugs, sex, alcohol and clubbing and under a psychiatrist for about 8 years. Coming out the other side.

My argumentative middle child currently at university after straight A* despite the nagging and carnage in her behaviour. Into a top (oxbridge) uni and doing one of hardest to get into courses. Lovely and kind and out the other side with no drugs etc and room is tidy now!

Comparison is the thief of joy! Boundaries won’t hurt them. And not all families are like the sound of music one!!

Years of training starting when they're toddlers.
I didn't believe it myself when I heard about colleagues' children but that's because my own upbringing was chaotic. I applied the learning to my own child and it worked but you have to start young then it's just the norm for the child.

My kids are still young so we don't have that. But honestly, I have autism, DP has ADHD, I can't imagine we'll ever have a specific place for pj's between wears.

I can not fathom this. In our house nobody ever came down stairs before they were dressed. So pjs came off in the bedroom and were put in laundry basket or under pillow. I did this as a child so just carried it on with my children- where else could pjs possibly be ? I do realise I am on the routine bound side but when they were tiny I would lay out the babygrow, nappies, bath towels etc in the morning before we left the house to make my evening smoother. I would also make sure there were 5x white polo shirts, 5X underwear, 5 x school socks all laid out on a sunday night. Yes I am a control freak.

How old are her kids? Never drama in our house but our boys are 16 and 12 so things are easy. We have always had a good routine which has helped, but definitely gets easier when they’re high school age

Bedtime is super calm and chilled in our house. Homework is always done as soon as we get in so never a last minute stress and she (mostly) goes to sleep easily.
Leaving the house for any reason though is a shitstorm of unbelievable chaos.
Just because they have one thing together does not mean they have everything together.

I’m with you, OP.

We have a good routine and it manly keeps things on track, but I’m amazed to hear this leads to predictable calm in everyone else’s house! My kids are 4, 2 and 0 and it’s not always plain sailing in spite of the best laid plans. Perhaps I’m just doing it wrong. 😂

Iam glad to hear it! When people on MN describe these perfect compliant children it gives me the creeps. Perhaps it is illogical. Perhaps it is because I grew up in a more chaotic environment - even though I was a quiet good kid myself.

No smugness here - my sons are 16 and 12 so obviously sort themselves out at bedtime but about every other evening they have a crazy burst of energy just when DS2 is literally supposed to be getting into bed and they start larking around with one of them wrapping the other up in a blanket or some other tomfoolery while I growl at them to grow up and why are they acting like 3 year olds…
Most of the rest of the time they’re perfectly normal, honest. I’ll miss it when they’re all grown up I guess!

Why would a kid not realize they had "urgent homework" until bedtime? Is the parent not checking first thing? Homework should be done before supper. Or, let them not do it and deal with the consequences in class the next day. It shouldn't disrupt bedtime routine.

PJs: Why can't they be located. Water, as others have said, is easily solved by taking a cup up with them as part of routine.

Chaos is generally a choice, in my observation.

I suspect the OP might have wanted more formal replies, suitable for an email. Or perhaps make it just a touch shorter so it feels more natural for a spoken answer?
Alternatively, a polished rewrite of the paragraph that keeps the tone professional and enthusiastic while improving flow and clarity.

(HTH, OP 😉)

Getting up and bedtime routine were always pretty much clockwork for us because we did it since day 1 and ruled with a rod of iron 😁
No way was I having stressful evenings or mornings unnecessarily.

Nope, Im afraid not.
I did all the start young so its the norm etc etc.
I had ALL the routines and standards in place.
One child bucked the trend on all of it. Nothing to do with routine or starting early.
Its to do with them being human.

We had happy chaos in the evenings. And I thought I had parenting down pat until I had my third. After that I realised that the ease of the first two was luck, not good parenting.

Calm here. Four year old plays happily by himself at home after nursery until dinner time when we all eat together. After that it’s bath time, then a family board game (one of the simple kiddy ones), then bedtime stories and bed.

I’d have a nervous breakdown otherwise. Even as a child I hated staying over at friend’s houses where it was total chaos and noise. We established a calm evening from day one with our child.

I don't check my kids homework - never have. Youngest often does it in the mornings before we go to school. They've both been known to do it in the car on the the way. Homework before supper has never been a rule in this house, still no chaos or trouble at bedtime - it's not my rules, it's my kids character.

Pyjamas are currently in a folded heap on the coffee table, or clean but unfolded in the basket I took out of the tumble dryer this morning. Kid will find them when they need them.

Drinks they'll sort for themselves now, but when younger, yes we took a cup up.

This is what I mean by different routines work for different people. You'd think my way would be chaos because I don't layout the pjs or keep them in one place, or check their homework or make sure it's done at a certain time - but we have a totally calm house, easy bedtimes and mornings and do none of these things.

I started routines and basic obedience with my children when pretty young, and keep my tone pretty calm and respectful too. The family has a range of personalities but we all live in pretty good harmony and calm. It takes thinking long term when they are young, which I do understand can be difficult when you are exhausted, but it pays dividends.

Part of it is routine, the other part is luck of the draw.

I have two children. One is calm and settled at night, the other has been giddy at bedtime since he was around 6 months old. They both have the same routine, they are just different children. (My wild and wonderful second born definitely shattered any illusions I had about being a perfect parent with foolproof routines!)

I think this is common. It also is why I'm reluctant to take parenting advice from anyone with less than 3 children. I know so many with 3 and there is always 1 that completely throws them, it makes people very humble and open minded.

In my experience people who don't have kids blame parents for everything, people who have 1 or 2 'good' children take all credit and those who have difficult children or more than 3 acknowledge the vastly different personalities that are innate that you cannot undo no matter how you parent, you can only manage them.

This is true to an extent. I see it in friends of ours who have 3 or 4. But we have one and I know for sure if we weren’t “on it” with certain ways we parent him, he absolutely could be a right little piece of work. All kids have it in them to be total toerags. But we don’t allow it. I find it simplistic when people say it’s because we only have one child and we might not be so lucky with the next, as though the way we parent and the huge amount of hard work we put in has no bearing and his behaviour is all down to luck.

Straight out of ChatGPT.

This has naff all to do with your ability to plan and maintain a routine and everything to do with the temperament of your children.

Our evening routine is the same most nights, but some are still utter chaos because of various intrusions that no sane person can be expected to constantly account for.

I guess it depends on how many children and ages. Our routine is pretty easy, we divide and conquer so one child each. We have done reading every night from the year dot so they know it's reading and then bed. Even easier now they have their own rooms so youngest is lights out a bit earlier than eldest. I always tell them I have peaked by 6pm so an easy bedtime is a necessity.

We worker very hard for a quiet calm routine and have encouraged DC to take some responsibility for getting their pjs and reading book ready before bath. Then we all read together taking it in turns

Thank goodness you said it! We’ve had the same routine for six years, my kids don’t care, they still cause chaos at bedtime. Doesn’t matter how organised I am, they’d rather hit each other than put pyjamas on. Reading quietly in bed? Nope, tears if we try to leave them to settle themselves so one or both of us has to sit with them till they’re both asleep. Oh and no matter what, whether they get in bed at 7pm or 8.25pm, they don’t fall asleep til 8.30. They’re amazing and I adore them, but chaotic bedtimes aren’t always caused by disorganisation or lack of routine.