A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

Our evenings are usually fun or chilled. Dinner is done by early evening; activities or baths or homework are done. Little dc in bed by 8pm and listens to music. Sometimes little dc kick off but usually only when over-tired.

Big dc stay awake later and usually comes down for snacks and chats or tv. We put our pets to bed and I prepare for the morning (uniforms out, breakfast and dinner preps done, laundry and dishwasher scheduled to run overnight, bins out, tidy up).

Then we all go to bed around 10.30pm.

I stopped hanging around with these types of mums… their child never had a tantrum, got dressed in anything they laid out ( usually beige/brown/cream) ate all types of food, but these children have to have a quiet house to go to sleep in. That just isn’t our house…. I love the house being full of laughter, music & dogs playing. Our child doesn’t listen, won’t eat anything colourful, struggles to sleep and we’ve tried everything!

You're doing a great job and don’t think about anything anyone else is doing. YOU DO YOU!!!

Well we had an amazing routine with toddler children and evenings were pretty smooth. Primary is much harder as we’re often out for activities, need to get homework done, music practice etc. I am frazzled when I do bedtime. My husband is not as he doesn’t bother with practice, running around doing washing etc.

OP, I have 5 boys and I can assure you anyone who tells you "Oh it's ALL about routine, you just need a good routine and no standing for any crap/bad behaviour/messing" is full of shit and comes across as very smug.
ALL children are different, they have different needs, wants and even personalities - imagine that!!!!
In our house we have had the same routine, all nice and calm, no shouting, very organised for nearly 10 yrs
Out of the 5 baby doesn't count, toddler loves his sleep and goes easily, for the moment anyhow, DS1 and 2 are ok, the odd messing but are currently wrecked most nights from sports activities.
DS3, well all I can say is that he was sent to test us and put us back in our box should we get too smug at how great we or our kids are🙄
He is just damn lucky that he's cute, lovable and makes us laugh every single day with the stuff he comes out with otherwise he would have been sold, long ago.
One thing I do think that helps is their exercise, they are on the go a lot as we spend a lot of time outdoors, between walks, activities and luckily live near the sea. DS3 would be the least active but don't know if that has anything to do with it, I think he's just one of those that can survive on way less sleep than the others.. He can also talk. Non. Fucking. Stop.

Much easier when they're younger as I recall. These days I do try to keep a household routine in place but it's trickier when dealing with competing schedules and demands including: homework (often last minute), D of E commitments (volunteering, sports etc), arguments, lost uniform and sports kits, swimming kits that have been left to fester and are needed the next morning, last minute costume requirements, broken tech because it's been dropped on the floor and trodden on or someone has spilled a drink on it, convincing someone to take the poor dog out who has been staring at me for the last half an hour, being told they're not hungry when served a nutritious and tasty meal then deciding they are just before bedtime, suddenly requiring x,y,z at bedtime. Just some examples.

Our house was like your friend’s house.

Organisation was not the key though as my parents aren’t organised and laugh at the concept of routines.

I guess it never occurred to us that ‘no’ was an option. We just got on and did what we were told.

The thought of living in a ‘strict routine’ that means the kids are dysregulated ifwe go on holiday or have a weekend with family or it’s the school break and we can do things more loosely is genuinely so stressful to me. My Bro and SiL have a routine and her kids are good as gold at bed time but it does make everything in their family very rigid and planned. I don’t think rigid routine is for everyone.

Lol. You have a point. Ivr never understood parentscwho won't let kids fo anything special " because routine"

Then again I wouldn't have put my kids to bed at 7 to wake up at 5 either which seems a popular one

I sort of think there's a bit of a contradiction here. You recognise that sometimes parents need to 'pick your battles' but only when it's related to a need your children personally have (i.e. the ARFID)? Then you go on to say (about other things) 'Nobody was allowed to mess around. I never stayed with any of mine while they fell asleep. I don't understand parents who do. Maybe you need to be firmer with your children.'

Both my DC are severely disabled but eat reasonably well. They need me to stay with them to sleep (partly because one in particular has the mental age of a baby so would just wander off...) but they can eat a wide variety of food so have no needs there. I wouldn't say 'you need to pick your battles with sleep and just stay with them but with food they should eat whatever you eat because you need to be firmer with your children.'

This is hilarious. I mean, I can totally see why it works. But there are a lot of assumptions here - clearly both you and DH are around from 5pm. You're also not doing any extra curricular. And your children are happy with this routine. I concede that ours is also impacted because children re older.

Let's compare:

come in, wash hands, have a snack and sit down with homework. (4:15/30-5). Once is in late primary, one in secondary so slightly different finish times.
Sure, maybe. But that assumes they've come in promptly which isn't always the case if we've had to do a chore or, now that they walk themselves, they have popped to a friend. I have one NT and one ND child and NEITHER of them is ready to do homework promptly after school. They need time to unwind.

• DH or I make dinner.
• eat dinner (5:15-6). DH may have work so I sit with them or vice versa.

You're eating dinner at 5:15, so one, or possibly both of youj, are around at 4:30 to start making dinner? In our house, it's entirely possible tht both DH and I are at work/WFH at 4:30. Even if one of us is not working, we have been working so we're probably loading/unloading dishwashers, hanging up washing etc. Or giving DS a lift to the gym.

• one child bathes and one child does music practice
• and now in reverse with the other one bathing, and one doing music practice

One child likes a long bath. The other child likes a short bath but has sto be asked 10 times to go for the bath. Also, this is already much later in our house because dinner is later (see above).

• brush teeth (all of this takes 40 mins or so). They don't need supervision doing bath time, but I do gently supervise music practice. I leave their clothes out just before we sit down for dinner.

Just before dinnut her I am finalising dinner while attempting to tidy up at the same time. It is true tat DH could perhaps do more at this point, but he usually is either just getting a bit of chill time after a very physical day, or is doing a bit of a tidy round, bin sorting etc etc.

• both put out their uniforms, shoes and bags for the next day

Sure. we do that.

• DH and I tidy up downstairs

Sure, I do that. But as above, by this time, it's a lot later.

• they help with putting any laundry away and housework (these three things happen together) Now we are at 7 pm.

Brilliant for you. Mine unload the dishwasher or put away washing. But again, we don't have a lot of time by this point as dinner is usually only later. Also, we have extra curricular at least 3 datys a week so that tidying/making dinner/tidy up after dinner is aalso often happening while we're rushing around takig DC to activities.

• bigger child does any additional homework while at the same time...if he's done he goes up to read.
• younger child goes to read/play and then mins later I go and read and lights out (by 7:30, he's asleep by 8 if not earlier)
• about an hour later older child goes up to read, lights out (about 9)

All good but again, you say yourself you don't do extra curricular. And both you and DH seem to be available from 5 pm or earlier to make all thishappen.

@DuchessofStaffordshire Surely if they are old enough to do D ot E then they are old enough to sort sports kits, put their swimming stuff in machine themselves. And face the consequences of not doing so. Cant imagine my dad would've been running after me sorting all this out

I agree. There are trade offs.

We were very rigid with routine from birth until school age, never stayed out late, naps were at a set time, bedtime and wake up a set time. It did mean that travelling was a nightmare as my kid was so used to everything being the exact same he really couldn't sleep in another location, or with anyone else in the room. Just couldn't do it.

Once he was five we relaxed a little bit, evenings at home are still very much the same routine and timing but he can stay up late and have the odd late night, bed more like 8-9pm than 7pm. But not frequently, we do really prioritise sleep and tend to do a lot of fun stuff in the day/early evening.

Other families I know who were much more relaxed and less about the routine have kids that are adaptable and will sleep anywhere, but tend to find it hard to get them to bed at home because things are quite relaxed and go with the flow. Which can be lovely, or it can be exhausting when you've got an early start and really need to get your child asleep for 9pm or you'll be a wreck the next day.

So it's pros and cons. Personally I'm really glad we put all the work we did into sleep and routine, it's paid dividends and he sleeps brilliantly, off to bed happily asleep by 7pm and sleeps 12hr then wakes up happily the next day, every night. But of course those choices have meant limitations in other areas. You just have to do what's best for you and your family.

Idk if this is the same for others but I feel like as we've set up a solid routine for the first handful of years, we seem to be able to flex now just fine without risking a bad night or bedtime resistance the following night. Almost like those habits have been embedded. Strict routine worked brilliantly for us until school age, other than not really feeling able to travel. But we're not really super into that anyway.

This resonates 🤣

@GlowWithBalance I'd try not to worry, it's possible she's over egging how calm it all is at her house. Have you ever watched Outnumbered and how next doors kids are all well behaved compared to Karen Ben and Jake? We're all different and it's possible your kids are better in other situations.

These are wise words.

I often think of my friends dc1, they decided on bedtime, food or toys and he just did whatever. They told me they would tell him bedtime was an hour earlier on a Saturday night so they could watch a movie or get a takeaway. They changed routines, travelled a lot even went on hikes and he just went along. My Dc was mental by comparison. I could see them looking at us with pity. The only thing is their passive baby became a passive child and a passive teen. I know it's not a nice thing to say but he doesn't seem to have a personality, he just sits there not talking. We've been on holidays and weekends away together and he has not spoken to me, i genuinely dont know if he has a smile. His parents say he is extremely shy. I spent so many years being envious of them and now I have realised, childhood is only a brief time but life is long. My bloody nightmare DS1 is so bright and charming and full of character now as a teen, I feel he has an amazing bright future ahead.

Dinner to bed time is a dream in our house, just like your friend describes.

End of school until dinner, is like a hurricane has blown through the house, it's awful.

Thank you
Beware of those with perfect children /husbands /marriages /evening and bedtime routines.
All an illusion

ours go to bed quite easily and we have pretty tight routines in place but both us and them are the variables… how our days have been etc

@GlowWithBalance
🤣🤣🤣, she lives with those tinted specs!!
Either that, or she’s outright lying

I do love everyone giving you the textbook advice on how to do things at night. People’s houses are different op, look at the advice, try it but honestly I have 4 kids and 2 are the polar opposite to the other two. I have two who get to half eight and bam ‘it’s time for bed!’ , the others faff, take time, want to chat etc etc. All houses aren’t the same for a reason, they don’t need to be!

OP, I was talking to neighbours at the school lately. The wife and I were talking about how hard it can be with two feral boys, she was saying some nights she is going crazy as they are jumping off their bed at 11pm, everything in their house is broken (same here but 8-9pm). Constant fighting etc etc

Casual chat with the husband the next day and his kids (the same kids) are pretty good about going to bed, they have a consistent routine so no major drama.

I know which parent I believe!

I think having more than one kid throws a major spanner in the works of even the best laid plans. I have one, I'm not really routine-focused and I don't mind a bit of chaos - all that said, bedtimes were never a problem for me. If there were two of my child - I could plan for him all I wanted, but he is an agent of chaos and if that was doubled up, I can easily see that my influence would be somewhat reduced anyway.

Dcs are much much older now but yes, it was about the same in our house.

I agree about routine.
Having compliant children also helps! 😁😁

I’d say you’re right about the perfect chikdren or perfect husband etc….

But that doesn’t mean SOME parts are going well.
Like dc2 was never an issue at bedtime. But he is autistic so no not everything is perfect.

I think it’s ok to have some parts of your life that’s going well. And theres no need to hide it or say ‘Theyre really good at bedtimes but a nightmare either way xyz’ as if one needed to ‘mitigate’ the good stuff with the not so good.

The time is my ruler. I sign post everything, each action is a set time. Repeat…. when they were tiny it used to go to shit by about 9am, now they are big they come in and kiss me good night at 10.30pm 😂