A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

I know people who have absolutely nailed-in routines that run like clockwork. They also say that their kids can't have a one-off late night, can't break the routine for special occasions, etc. (and they are the same people who when the kids were younger ran their entire lives around a nap routine). Bedtime in my house is much less ordered, but also much more flexible. I think that it is possible to have both the perfect routine and the ability to flex it, but that for that you really are reliant on having easy-going children - for most kids they can do one or the other, but not both. A bit like how some kids will sleep 7pm-7am, but a lot of them you can either have 7pm-5am or 9pm-7am. Like many things in life, every way has pros and cons and you make your choice.

I would say my house is "calm" generally but there's still effort and work involved and sometimes things do go wrong. Mine are still young and need a lot of help with getting ready but we do have routines.

Routine (and sticking to it) is definitely your friend here but it does help if you have compliant children!

Mine was like that but I only had one to deal with and he prefers the comfort of a routine anyway, so being organised is the first step, routine is the second and having the right ingredients child-wise is most helpful of all

(I would have seen my arse if he's pulled the "Oh wait I have homework" gag right at bedtime because I would have been asking about the homework status since we got in from school. If I hadn't I would have to have said "Tough, if you don't have time in the morning then you'll have to tell Miss Teacher you haven't done it and face the consequences." Don't let them derail bedtime with that malarkey!)

We've had pretty much the same time routine since they were little, now 10 & 8, sure the times are now later, but as others have said its planning & consistency that make it work.

We as the parents are across what homework needs to be done, and that is part of evening routine. Of course there is an element of twisting & wanting to stay up later, but all in there is no chaos.

I have a chilled child when it comes to sleep and night routine. My friend with one the same age babysat and said she literally couldn't believe how chilled he was before bed and then just went down no issues. It's been the same since he was 6 months old....

Strange because he's a tornado up until about 6pm when his energy runs out!

We all know about routine. Except that doesn't bloody help if there's any ND involved (parents aswell as kids)

What are you talking about? Routine is well established as being really important for neurodiversity in general. Both DS and I have autism and have found having a decent routine really helps us both. Whether that's at home, school or work, wherever. Most kids respond well to consistency and knowing what's next, NT or ND.

We are somewhere in the middle...

Key one for us is that reading and homework are done as soon as they come in.
We started in primary and this now helps ensure that DS1 sits down and does some homework every night even if the due date isn't for a few days. We also have a no TV or screen time until everyone has finished up homework which means that they keep quiet for each other.

Obviously they are welcome to read at other times but this means that we've done the daily homework reading.
I either sit and read with them or sort dinner

My kids have had the same routine since they were babies.

One ND, the other two potentially as well. They will fight even single part of every routine. They know the routine, they get given instructions on the next thing to do etc but they simply do not want to follow it.

Of course organisation is key. But there's no doubt that for some people, this is easier for any number of reasons. As many people on this thread have highlighted - often the Dh is part of the organisation-disruption.

For me, it's also just aboout the sheer number of things I'm doign and/or the fact that I'm often strapped for time. So sure, dinner, then calm bath, then chilling, then bed time... brilliant, couldn't agree more.

But sometimes, I get home late from work and everything goes pear shaped.
Or sometimes even though we've checked that homework is on track, it turns out... it's not glares at teen ds
Sometimes, <gasp> we ALL forgot that DD has a piano lesson and hasn't practiced enough this week.
Sometimes we're trying to organise DD's bedtime while also having to collect DS from his much-later activities.

etc etc etc.

And actually to add to my comment above, my morning routine is absolutely slick and perfect and I have a friend who finds this mind blowing. But it's becuase there are fewer variables that are likely to come up in the morning so I can manage it easier and make it painless. eg, making sure there's clean uniform might not be done at exactly the same time all the time, but it's an ongoing process that i can work in around other things. I buy lunch box food and breakfast food as part of our weekly shop so there's no need for mad dash changes to plans or worries about running out of things etc.

I also often do cooked breakfasts for the kids in one form or another, but I have that down to a fine art and can do it while I'm making lunch boxes.

My friend, who is less good at multi tasking, finds this mindblowing. But her evening routine works like clockwork because her work schedule (early start, early finish) means that she can prioritise kids homework/food/activities in the afternoon/evenings with very little need to accomodate other variables.

I don't know how people don't have routines? You do the same thing every day! We all have the occasional water bottle left at school or homework refusal every now and then but when you have a set routine it's much easier for kids to adhere to. You have to be mega organised though, so if you're not that type, it won't happen.

My house is calm but not organised. Stuff goes missing and there's always last minute things to take care of but I try not to clock watch as it just stresses me out. DC goes to bed generally pretty happy but there's definitely a lot of faffing and roly polies and last minute mini games that often take place. 🤣 I'm being assessed for ADHD and I'm sort of used to the "where the f is X" and "oof we forgot to do X". I know I should be more organised but life gets in the way. Everyone's pretty happy though so I guess that's something!

Yeah we always had routine but my kids fought sleep from when they were very young.

That then caused issues as one of them was tired and hard to get up in the morning. The other one hated getting dressed.

I don't know why so many people are just unwilling to believe that some kids are just more strong-willed than others.

I will say that by high school they were able to get themselves off to school, mostly on time and mostly with minimal supervision.

I'd really agree with the pp who said routines can be all well and good, but you need the right kids.

I'm an event manager, I am built for routines and scheduling. I know how to factor in time, I've been doing it professionally for two decades. However, my kids are my nemeses. DH isn't naturally like that but after a decade with me he's into the habits of things. No matter how much time I allow, they'll need 5 minutes more. We've had the same routine for years. I made a chart to remind them the things they need to be doing in the morning and at night so we don't end up in bed with the water bottle downstairs, or heading out to school and the water bottle is upstairs...and yet it still seems to happen almost daily. We have a visual timer. PJ's go under the pillow 90% of the time (if the kids don't do it then I will), but there will be the odd day where they don't and noone thinks to check in the drawer, they just start playing or doing something else. They're super easily distracted. I started to ponder about ADHD but I'm told it's just 6 year old boys 😅The reward for being upstairs and ready for bed on time is that we get an additional story (they love stories) but this is a kid who put a tooth under their pillow and then forgot to check if the tooth fairy had been for five whole days. Keeping them on track isn't a matter of just having a rock solid routine. It's tougher for some than others.

I'm not sure I believe it, or all the PPs saying the same.

MOST nights are pretty calm over here, DD gets her PJs on by herself and then we read stories and she listens to a meditation to sleep. I have one child which helps a lot.

Anyone claiming that their children NEVER get up after being put to bed, never claim to be hungry/ thirsty/ lost their favourite teddy are probably being economical with the truth.

And those parents who insist on putting their kids to bed in the afternoon instead of waiting until actual night time are the ones who have kids getting up at 4am. 💀

yeah, this too!

When DS was first being assessed for ADHD, the NHS specialist said to me, "you may need to accept that he just needs less sleep" and honestly, that was the most helpful part of the entire experience (which, mostly, wasn't helpful at all).

Our evenings are like your friend's, but we all thrive on calm and enjoy a relaxed evening so we made it that way. DH and I have similar personalities in that respect, and the DC have no choice but to follow suit! The chaotic version would be very stressful for us all so we don't choose to live that way.

So many of these posts at the moment clearly written by AI @mnhq

oo which ones? I'm still struggling to spot it!

Routine can lead to easy bedtimes but personalities come into it too. My sister is the most organised person on the planet. However, bedtime at her house is still an ordeal as her 7-year-old daughter will cry if mummy isn't the one to read stories even though, since she was 2, it's been dad every second night as they have 2 other children.

Similar to other posters we have had routines in place forever. Four kids in our home so we need to be organised. Everyone enjoys life when it’s running smoothly so they all know what they need to do.

It might not actually be the case.

I have a friend who just somehow edits out all the bad stuff.

She has said multiple times and seems convinced of it that her DD never once had a tantrum. I remember quite clearly her DD having tantrums. But she's obviously convinced herself it didn't happen.

In general, on any parenting topic, she is like "oh my DD just didn't have that issue". I think she has genuinely forgotten. I don't think she's trying to be annoying

Is her name Maria Von Trapp?

No family is that perfect. And no children are.

Don't believe everything you hear @GlowWithBalance

Pick a thing. Stick to it. What’s the most frustrating, regular complaint? Can’t find PJs? This week remind them relentlessly that PJs go under the pillow.

Or better still, start family meetings. Come in from school, sit with a drink and biscuits and say ‘guys, it’s chaos! We need a few things to get easier so we don’t get upset and confused about easy things. How about we all agree we’ll do x this week. What else could we do? Maybe keep our shoes in a box by the door/read while we have our biscuits/do teeth before we come downstairs…’

They tend to buy in better when they came up with the idea.

It isn’t going to transform overnight, but it will slowly get better.

I'd say it's mostly calm in our house at bedtime. Your kids shouldn't be unable to find their pyjamas or realising they have home work last minute. I'd say you are the outlier and need to be a bit more organised. Sorry if that sounds harsh but you need to be checking earlier on if there is homework or books to read. I usually get my DC clothes out for school and put them on the bed (they are under 5) but their pyjamas are either on the bed or they get some out of the drawer.