A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

Op you sound lazy, unorganised and jealous. Why can’t you believe your friends routine? Most families I know are like your friends. I certainly am, couldn’t stand clothes out of place or not knowing when a child’s homework needs to be done. How do you live like this? When I was a nanny in my twenties most families were organised and had routines that I could slot into easily and oversee, I worked for a family like you once, I left after a few months. The parents didn’t care about any of my suggestions regarding routine and the kids were chaotic, horrid to look after, they had no boundaries or discipline.

And you sound dreadful and not the kind of person who should be around children.

😂 honestly I agree with you. So many posters want to say that it’s just pure luck and nothing to do with good parenting. That you just have to be lucky and have lovely kids who do as they’re told. I don’t think so …

Neurodivergence aside (always the caveat on Mumsnet), feeling like you’ve run a race at the end of every single evening and describing your evening as “a storm”, just screams a lack of routine, boundaries, and discipline. It absolutely doesn’t need to be and shouldn’t be like that. I’d never accept life being like that, but some people create their own mess and then are bamboozled as to why it’s like that.

Wow, I'd go mad with such a focus on routine. We just go with the flow, sometimes we do homework earlier, sometimes later... depends what else is going on. Our routine is that I read the kids chapters of a story before bed and they go to bed between 7.30-9pm depending on how tired they are. Our house is tidy but their pyjamas arent always neatly under their pillows. sometimes they dump them on the bed or on a chair. I'm not a "fixed routine" person myself and reading these posts makes me glad my kids arent either and if we fancy a spontaneous dinner out on a Wednessay evening followed by a mad dash to do homework, then who cares, we can be organized on Thursday and do all Thursday's homework earlier and then chill...

Discipline; routine; amenable children; organised parents.

She’s bragging for a reason! Likely because it’s bollocks.

I only have one DC who is Autistic (routines!) and loves being in her room alone so the peace and quiet I get BUT….. At almost 11, she still will not go to sleep alone and is still in my bed! Despite having the biggest room and despite having a lovely 4 poster single bed with beautiful bedding and lots of soft toys etc. She spends hours & hours in that room but comes into my bed at night! She just refuses to break that routine.

So basically it’s alllll about routine

We love spontaneous changes to the routine too. Sometimes we head out to the local Italian restaurant for dinner on a whim. Tomorrow we’re going to stay out later to see the Christmas lights in town.

Our home still never feels like a “storm” as the OP’s does, because we enjoy these little changes to what is otherwise a strong routine with boundaries. If we were doing all sorts of mad spontaneous shit every night it would be utter chaos.

Your household would drive me mad.
I like to have structure but it doesn't have to be micromanaged.

The kids knew from reception to get changed out if their uniform, do anything that needs doing and any prep for the following day was done, eg pe kit ready, in a bag at the front door. We would have tea, and then it was chill time.
After this bathroom, story and bed.
There was no messing around at bed time. The children knew not to play up by the look of my voice and tone of my voice.

The trick,imo, is being consistent, organised and fair so children know where they stand a d what they should be doing.

All kids are different and all families have different routines. I have boy/girl twins aged 17, DS has ASD and ADHD and was quite challenging when small, but despite that (and unlike many friends' experiences) his night time routine was easy and he slept well. Just luck (or bad luck).

I’m at work every day from the minute I drop them up until I pick up at 6pm and most nights have other extra curriculars, only back at bedtime two nights a week.

The older one will often spring last minute homework requirements at the last minute.

Both are ND. I have ADHD and I am terrible with routine.

it’s not usually chaos exactly but it is always a scramble to fit everything in.

My home was like that with my first two. That last hour of the day was lovely, bath time and cuddles reading stories before they went to sleep at 7. Me and DH enjoyed our evenings to ourselves.
Then number 3 came along, meltdowns at dinner, nothing done the first time I ask, a fight to brush his teeth, him bouncing off the walls at story time then up until 10pm some nights.

There's no magic manual, we're all just different. Children included.

Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights.

Kindly, these are really small issues that can be fixed with organisation and better routine.

Try having 2 neurodivergent kids and you’d realise bedtime are never smooth sailing. Good on those who have such easy lives!

Some families are like this! Not mine 😭 I visited a friend of mine overseas and stayed with our kids at their place for a week. Literally my friend’s kids had zero tantrums like zero tantrums day or night! Nothing! The calmest house ever!!!! I was shocked! My friend doesn’t believe in gentle parenting so she was very strict since they were babies. I feel maybe that’s why they are different than mine!

I had two who went to bed quite happily, including one who asked to go. The third kept getting up until I was utterly fed up.

Bedtime was always a chapter of a book, it accelerated bedtime as they looked forward to being read to. It set the tone for the evening and a routine.

I think routine is very important but the child's personality also plays a part, as well as things like how much time you have at home.

I used to have a very calm, easy evening routine when my 3 kids were little but as they've got older it's become quite chaotic. We've recently moved in with family (temporarily) a long way from the school and it means we are home from school/activities late and all routine has gone out the window. My eldest and youngest are quite self sufficient and on the whole will get themselves sorted with homework/shower/bed but my middle child is a completely different entity and needs help with everything at the moment. Bedtime can literally take 2-3 hours from going upstairs to get ready to her falling asleep. I think she is autistic and she needs a whole different approach to things compared to her brothers.

Then add in the complications of struggling with general lack of time anyway as I'm a single parent working long hours, 2 of the kids not getting on at all and spending half their time arguing, teenage hormones & mood swings... I would love to have a bit of calm at home but at the moment it feels impossible.

Perception.
This kind of house doesn't sound perfect to me. If my kids need a drink I don't see it as a problem. If they want a chat or cuddle or a laugh or to make a bracelet together or style hair or sing a song. I see that kind of messy bedtime as quality time. It is the part of the day I look forward to.

It’s all about routine really. We had the odd time that something was forgotten or went wrong. Mostly though it was pretty relaxed and a wind down before bed. I suppose not everyone is lucky though but try not to stress about it as that also makes a difference

Give me ‘ohh do I have to go to bed’ and ‘just 5 more minutes mum, pleaseeeee’ over what sounds like robotic children.

Hopefully you won't be coming for advice on mumsnet any time soon - you might get a response like this!

She’s not really asking for advice or taking accountability, shes blaming her own lack of organisation on her kids and has a negative tone towards her friend. If she politely asked for advice, she’d get it.

Wise words!!! (and also, kudos that you've identified what your DD does and doesn't need - I'm still working on this (and then of course wit really small children, things change so fast...))

Why is absolute chaos preferable to “robotic children”?

My child asks for “5 more minutes” I say “of course!” and he looks at his books in bed with his lamp on for 5 more minutes (more like 15, but he’s 4 and doesn’t realise) before I come and give him a last cuddle and kiss and switch off the lamp.

No chaos. No stress. Happy child and happy parents.

You can have a rock solid routine that has room
and flexibility for the little extras and deviations without it feeling like you’ve run a marathon as OP says. Why would I choose to have my evenings ending in so much stress? OP is choosing to live her life that way.

Well, routine and order is key. I make my DC do their homework the night it’s set unless something urgent arises, then I will make sure it’s done the following day. Pyjamas are kept in their bed so they always know where they are. Uniform and school bags are sorted the evening before so there’s no flapping in the morning. They go to bed at the same time each evening, they’re allowed to read for 30 mins then lights out. We have a family google calendar so any event is added there.

You just need to be a bit militant and structured. I have 5 DC and I don’t find it difficult because of this.