A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

Im afraid you have missed the point.
It isnt because parents of 2 or 3 or more arent "on it" or that the kids are toe rags. And its certainly not because I allowed it.
Dear god, thats up there with " i wldnt stand for it".
It is because Children can be different personalities. Thats the long and the short of it.

Do the people who say ‘bedtimes are calm because of the routine and it’s nothing to do with the individual child’ genuinely believe that? Do you also believe that the areas that aren’t so great are purely down to your parenting as well? (Because they all have their challenges).

I can count on one hand the times my 11 year old has gone to sleep for the night by 9pm over her whole life. She doesn’t sleep and it’s a cause of huge anxiety for her (she hates the act of going to sleep). We tried and tried to do routines etc but it doesn’t work. Exhausting her with lots of sport is the only thing that vaguely helps. She has amazing strengths though, is academic, talented at sport, is kind and is great company. Of course some of that is due to parenting but a lot of it is also just who she is.

It's just personalities, that's it, that's all the magic. Routines help of course but they're not the cornerstone. Mine are as placid as they come, always have been, and I think I'm a good parent - but I am seen as a 'good parent' on the outside BECAUSE they are placid and amenable.

The chaos isn't bad, it's just different.

And who knows what the teenage years will bring!

Rubbish meetings are unproductive! We had great ones. Kids picked what was for tea, where we were going next…. while having a drink and a biscuit, or cooked breakfast. Just meant that everyone had a turn to give opinions and work out solutions. Teaches kids to work out solutions.

You're fine. Every family is different and every child is different! As long as everyone is healthy and happy, you do you and let her do her :)

Sometimes bedtime is "first thing"! Parents have other commitments, kids have clubs, it's not always everyone sitting at home the whole evening doing the routine.
And what is supper and why does homework have to be done before it?

@NerrSnerr - has your dd tried audiobooks? I used to have awful insomnia, and I recognise completely what you are saying about the worry of trying to go to sleep, but I now listen to audiobooks, and use Feather and Down magnesium and lavender cream every night, and that has really helped me.

I wonder whether, if your dd wasn’t lying in bed thinking about going to sleep and not going to sleep, but was focussed on something else, that might help - so bed stops being somewhere she goes to try to fall asleep, it is somewhere she goes to listen to a book she likes.

Apologies if I am overstepping, or telling you things you’ve already tried, but my heart goes out to you and your dd, and I wish I could help.

Sometimes thats down to the childs ablity to listen and respond well to instructions rather then a magic power the parent has to keep a good routine. Ive said this before but in my house the kids listened and they also liked their sleep , and were good sleepers from babies. This was all them and not down to me , I then in turn could keep a good routine , because they listened to me! And no im not saying its the childs fault there's no routine , all kids are different , im just saying we shouldn't judge if a parent is abit all over the place.

You’re not overstepping at all. She does listen to audiobooks which help to some extent. I’d love to try magnesium gummies but she hates the texture of gummies so won’t consider them. Things are gradually improving over the years but it’s a long old journey.

it was unhidden already!

The word routine gives me shivers, sounds dreadfully boring to me. OP you’re doing a great job, there’s nothing wrong with a a little bit of chaos. You’re just bringing up children who can probably think on their feet and complete things under pressure!

In all seriousness; comparison is the thief of joy. Some of us aren’t built to follow routines and that’s okay, obviously if you’re not happy change it but maybe you’re family just works differently to your friends.

I tried magnesium supplements and they upset my stomach, @NerrSnerr but the F&D sleep butter is really good.

Amazing thank you. I’ll take a look at that.

Nerr + @SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius - in case it's helpful - I had bad stomach cramps when I tried magnesium chloride for sleep, but magnesium glycinate helps (with no stomach symptoms). Nutrition Geeks is the one I buy.

gosh no-one has a perfect routine!

Ours have pjs on the radiators regardless if they are on or not - (winter/summer), home, homework, play, tea, shower/bath, tv or read and to sleep.

Sometimes it goes to shit, because they are kids and they push boundaries. But i am very firm on the "you need to go to bed now" camp. Kids thrive off routine. I cant deal with kids who are up until 9-10pm and are primary age

What?

I think it’s you who has misunderstood my post.

I hate this sort of comment. As if every parent out there's hasn't had the same routine forever 🙄🙄🙄

All families are different, because as individuals we are different. I only have the one child, so my house at bedtime has always been calm, and my son knows our routine inside out. He's now 15, so the routine has changed some what, but the basics are still there. I taught him at 2, to put his clothes in the linen basket, and at 15 he still automatically does it!!

Our bedtime is often a shitshow too. But a lot of yours sounds preventable? Make sure the pjs go back on their bed. Ask them about homework when they get in. Always take a drink and snack up if they tend to ask for them. Fingers crossed it gets easier for you ( and me)

Total chaos in our house OP. 3 kids aged 9, 5 and 3.
It was under control with one kid, maybe even two. But the eldest and the youngest hype up at bedtime, especially the eldest. The youngest loves seeing him as he has has often been at clubs and school.
My middle child is slightly easier but even he gets drawn into play and messing around. If he was an only child it would be a BREEZE. If his older brother isn't around he just walks upstairs gets his pyjamas on (finds them if need be) brushes his teeth and goes to bed and we have a read. A lot of it is down to personality!
But for us, that combined with no routine makes evenings hard (lost pyjamas, empty drinks etc etc) so it drags out.
I hate routine, I resist it like the plague, but I know it's important. I desperately need more order so I can have more time to myself but I can't change. You have my sympathy!

Is anyone saying it’s as simple as that? Some is nature, some is nurture. But if we didn’t parent effectively and have solid routines my child would run riot as would any other child. He isn’t automatically well behaved and going to bed when the clock says 7pm. When things aren’t working I adjust my parenting to the situation but the boundaries remain clear and our overall approach is consistent. That’s what parenting is. He didn’t automatically go to bed easily, we worked on it and didn’t budge in our commitment to routine.

I would recommend magnesium butter for your child and audiobooks. My 4 year old is in bed at 7 regardless of whether or not he is ready to sleep because we value adult time alone. Sometimes he rolls over and is asleep within minutes, sometimes he falls asleep by 8. He listens to an audiobook after we do bedtime stories as he falls asleep. He must take after me because I also prefer to doze off to an audiobook at bedtime.

But I think that's the thing - our sleep routine never goes to shit because of the kids - unless they're sick - they just don't push boundaries around bedtime, and never have. Like I say, nothing to do with me, everything to do with them/their personalities/wants/needs.

Other things - sure, my youngest never saw a fizzy drink he didn't want to drink until it was all gone for instance - but sleep - just never been an issue for them (since they were toddlers - as I said, as a baby, my eldest was terrible)

Lots of the posters are implying that it’s as simple as routine (and a couple have said that it’s down to the routine and not the children’s personalities). Thanks for the butter recommendation, someone else has recommended that so we’ll try it. She listens to hours of audiobooks a night. She is in her bedroom for 8pm to wind down and in bed by 9 but doesn’t sleep for much longer. That is just her.

My kids have always gone to bed without a fuss however my youngest woke at 5am until she was about 7 yrs old. Nothing I did meant she slept later despite all the advice given. At 14 she still wakes up at 6am religiously. Kids are people who have there own quirks. Nothing you do will probably help have a smooth bedtime.

I would say if her sleep needs are different that’s fine. The problem is chaos. A child having down time in their room and listening to an audiobook in bed isn’t the same as absolute carnage and bad behaviour every night that takes over the adults’ downtime.

If she’s not getting enough sleep and is distressed by that however, I hope the magnesium butter helps.

It’s all moot really I suppose because, as another poster pointed out, the OP is probably AI and yet again we’re all arguing amongst ourselves over some chatGPT prompt.