A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

Someone above said it is having routines and the right kids. She have the routines: homework is done straight away, PJs are always in the same place, glass for water is available. However when I send them up atvthe same time each day one of them will just mindlessly roll about if the floor instead of brushing their teeth and the other will loudly declare showers are painfull and non of her friends over wash so we're evil to make her take a shower.

Comparison is the thief of joy, OP.

There are probably lots of things your pal envies about you and your family too!

Originally I stayed because otherwise they'd repeatedly get out of bed.

Then after they grew out of that they started having separation anxiety and night terrors and were scared.

Then after that, just because they liked it. I sit and read my kindle and like it too. I quite look forward to it.

Our house is calm in the evenings too. One kid has an activity which finishes late one evening, but we don't make that classic mistake of rushing him into bed the second he gets home, wound up and asking for it to go wrong. He goes to bed later, but at least he is calm as he has had that transition time.
We don't own a bath so always showers, which is done after swimming some days.

I think it's the kids. We have a routine and yet my kid still screams blue murder when I say it's homework time, same with changing into pjs or brushing teeth. It's been pretty much the same routine for years but he hates being rushed - tells me he is not my slave and just delays and delays every single task. No amount of punishment or laying down consequences substantially impacts on the process and outcome. Unless I take away stuff every night - punishments dont work. Routine i.e. doing the same thing every night is still interpreted as an affront every single day. So yeah - enjoy your kids if a simple routine gets things done but it doesnt work for everyone.

In our house, my kids flood the bathroom and then run around with no clothes on walloping each other with wet towels until they collapse in a heap. Then, once I've wrestled them into pyjamas, they jump on the beds and have pillow fights.

I quite like our "routine" tbh. Different things suit different families.

Yes, it's definitely planning and routine but time is a massive factor too. If you don't have enough of it, it makes things much harder (speaking as a parent who works full time). Of course if you dont have enough time in the first place, that also makes planning more difficult 😫

We're really consistent here and always have been and we are all happier for it. Some basic ground rules: homework is done as soon as we walk in the door, homework is put back inside the school bag as soon as it is done, shower is done as soon as dinner is finished (no TV before, only after, this motivates kids to move faster to get ready for bed), no eating after dinner. We all know the drill so it's easy to stick to it.

If they started a routine when the kids were small then of course it will be smoother. It can be done but is harder to introduce routines now. But get your kids to find the PJs when they get home from school and put them ready. Do a bag and home work check. Once all that is done then they can have free play etc.

To be honest, bedtime in our house is okay with two small children. They know the routine, they know where the pyjamas live, we take water bottles up with us when we go up for bath.

I’m not saying occasionally the three-year-old doesn’t kick off about some minute thing or the six-year-old doesn’t need reminding to put her pyjamas on and not get distracted by her books but generally it’s not stressful.

I don’t cope too well with chaos, so I knew I had to have some strict routines in place.

It’s really not. All children are different, even ND ones.

My two definitely aren’t NT, yet they thrived on routines. They’re adults now, but I genuinely don’t remember the chaos people are talking about.

It depends on so many things. I remember my childhood home was so chilled most of the time. We did as we were told, we did our homework as soon as we came in from school, and we were responsible for having everything ready that we needed the night before, as soon as we were old enough.

My brother and I were probably very boring kids to be fair, I certainly never had many friends! But we were never an ounce of trouble.

Expecting all families to be like that is silly. I learned when I became a step parent that some children are exceptionally difficult at bed time, and use every avoidance tactic in the book!

Also, the eldest wakes up early. She knows she’s not allowed out of her room until 7 so she reads in bed with the light on and then puts her school uniform on so that at 7 when we wake up, she is ready and dressed. All I need to do them is supervise teeth brushing, do her hair and walk her up to breakfast club. I have never really thought much of this but speaking to some other Mum friends suggests that she is pretty easy-going.

All families are different. My DC are older now (teens) but things oscillate wildly between being fairly calm and absolutely chaotic. I and one of our DC have ADHD - we have tried so many different ways to stick to a routine but nothing works for very long. I can't explain why. It just doesn't and I've come to accept that.

This is me! 3 under 8 means a bit of chaos but generally ok. When my husband gets involved there is inevitably tears as he's ran out of patience by this point. Very annoying.

I love the idea that neurotypical children happily trot off to bed every night 😆

Please don’t allow your 8yr old access to a phone in his bed at night. Dear lord!

I wholeheartedly agree with this — establishing routines etc helps, but it’s definitely easier to do this with some children than others!

First off I don't use the word perfect for anyone, it doesn't exist. Some kids are compliant and some parents are naturally organised and this makes a very good combination. You have to take the kids as you get them, some need very firm routines, some need a lot of reassurance and you have to adapt.

One thing that really helped me was a 'ready to go' checklist I made with a drawing of the things they need leaving in the morning, coat, lunchbox etc. It was just a sketch, took about 2 mins to make and it completely transformed getting out the door. This was when they were young. At 'ready to go' time they got their cards and got themselves ready, then handed them back when done. it stopped me telling everyone what to do 10 times and getting annoyed.

Other things that helped when kids were young

• school clothes laid out the night before
• breakfast set out at night
• a timer for brushing teeth and getting dressed (for 1 kid that needed this)
• access to water upstairs. We filled a large jug and topped up cups or bottles for a few nights as needed then refilled
• a routine for the bathroom, one gets dressed while sibling brushes teeth etc, then switch.

My house is calm. My school age child has ADHD and so we check their bag for homework every evening and do it right before or after dinner. They have the same routine of come home, check bag, shower, do homework, have dinner, playtime and then lights dimmed and up to bed for a story and then low stimulation tv show/film. So I disagree with anyone saying it needs to be the right kids and doesn’t work for ND kids.

If anything they and I benefit more and I have ADHD too. I was like your child suddenly remembering homework or things needed for food tech right at the last second and then blurting it out to my poor mum, but she worked non stop and didn’t have a routine for us or ever ask me if I had homework or needed anything and so I missed a lot of prompts that would have helped me. Dinner was a diff time and bedtime was chaotic in our house too.

My children’s pyjamas are always in the same drawer so that would be easy and they have a drink before they go up to bed. You may find having a little bit more organization makes you feel calmer too OP and less stressed. It’s not always easy I know and some days things do fall apart in my house too and so just know that part is normal too.

DC1 & DC2 went to bed no problems ever. Very calm evenings, no drama. Thought I had parenting nailed!

Then I had DC3 (big age gap) with no fucking chance of a calm evening ever!! Bedtime takes about 2 hours every night & it exhausts me. Bathtime is between 7/7.30 & I feel like Ive won the lottery if they are asleep by 8.45pm. They are 7.

Its not you, its your kids - they just arent all the same!

love this quote!

This!! Everyone on here making OP feel bad with their perfect, calm evening routine. Does no one ever go out in the evening or god forbid let their child stay up for a treat and watch a movie?! OP please dont feel bad, no one is perfect. My DD is a little rocket, loves singing dancing and performing, especially at 7.30pm. We have a decent routine but it doesn’t mean every evening is perfect and we do (god forbid) go out occasionally and change things up. My friend once told me her children take themselves to bed and are just so happy to be together they quickly fall asleep, after spending many weekends with them I now know that yes they might eventually fall asleep in the same room but it’s after they have left that room 300 times to ask numerous questions/complain/go to the toilet!!

I've always advocated a very structured bedtime routine (for my own sanity to ensure I have some evening for myself) but despite having an established bath/bed routine, there can still be resistance for teeth brushing (obv non negotiable) or repeated reminders to my daughter that she should be getting in to bed, not practising handstands.

its v much about the kids.... as well as the routine/parenting.

Mine is 7 years old and we had the routine same for years, since baby realy, obviously with small changes to bedtime and now she is reading herself. But bedtime is calm. Tops she might call out for extra hug :-)