A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

It’s always calm in our house but we have had these routines in place forever.

The key is planning and routine.

Why can’t the kids find their pyjamas? They should be in the same place whenever not being worn. Under their pillow/in a certain drawer etc.

Someone’s asking for a drink? Get into the routine of everyone carrying their water bottle up with them to bed when you go up to get ready.

I do agree, all calm here but we have established routines and mitigations. DD has water by her bed. We check homework needs as soon as she gets home, her pyjamas are always in the right place etc.

I know everyone's saying planning and routine, and yeah, sure, that's certianly part of it. but... you do also need the right kids for it.

We are a household that likes its sleep. Since about 3.5 DS1 has just rolled over and gone to sleep at bedtime (before that he was a nightmare). DS2 fell into the same habit.

DS2 has pushed his bedtime to be the same (roughly) as DS1, and did need me to be firm when he was younger about that, but it wasn't that bad, he just hoped I'd forget it was bedtime, he didn't kick off or anything - and that's nothing to do with me, and everything to do with him. A little while ago he asked if he could stay up late to play computer games since it was the holidays. He made it 15 minutes before he changed his mind and went to bed because he was tired!

They also always get up between 5 and 6am - so mornings aren't that difficult either - and that's also not something I can influence (believe me I tried before I gave in and just started going to bed at 10pm too)

Probably not true.

I have a friend who always describes theirs children as perfect with no issues.

But I know this not to be the case, as I see them a lot!

It’s like they just don’t see it…!

Yes my eldest (6) does this. Shes always been quite good in the evenings and will now go to bed when asked, read for a bit, and then go to sleep

My 3 yr old obviously needs a bit more from us.

It's like my DS is from your friend's house, and DD is from yours. A pictogram has helped take me/DH out of the equation with getting ready, but some nights are definitely better than others.

We have a small battle the odd time but its far better than before. We have to be very strict and accept no distractions from bedtime. Otherwise my son would have a million excuses why he cant go to bed. But it very is much down to each individual family

I don’t mean to be harsh but it’s sounds disorganised. Homework done and checked earlier in the night, PJs put out, it’s about a routine. I lead it as the parent . In my sisters house though it’s Chaotic. She relies on the children just doing it themselves and it doesn’t get done, they rip clothes out, mess about.

My dc were good at bedtime. Had a nice routine. Always knew where their pjs were. Read for a bit then went to sleep.
I was thankful for that as I needed to relax and have my own time in the evenings.

Agree that planning and organisation is key, but planning and organisation comes more naturally to some people than others!

DH and I both have ADHD. I work super hard to keep on top of everything and have lists and alarms coming out of my ears. I manage to keep my head above above water (hold down a job, get child to school on time etc etc) but inevitably some aspects of family life still end up being chaotic 🤷‍♀️

We all have our strengths and weaknesses - no one is perfect.

Our routine is rock solid and has been since the kids were small. That means everyone knows what part of the evening we're at and what comes next. Pyjamas are laid out, stories read. That's not to say there are never any issues but because we've had these routines in place forever things tend to run fairly smoothly from dinner onwards til bedtime. My eldest is autistic and it has really helped to be so routine based as it keeps her calm.

(and that goes for children too. My child is exceptionally skilled at delaying bedtime 😂)

Our house flowed quite smoothly too when DS was little, due to organisation, planning, and only having one DC! Instead of feeling bad that you're not her, maybe see if she has any kind tips? Nobody is perfect though, you're maybe succeeding more in other areas. 💐

If I’m running the evening routine then it’s calm, structured and organised, like your friend. If DH is running it then it is much closer to what you described @GlowWithBalance however despite DH acknowledging that my way is “better” he seemingly cannot alter the way he does things so chaos ensues.
I therefore make sure that if he has run the evening routine he is also in charge of the fallout the following morning so I’m not stressed by it

No one is perfect so am sure it isn’t always amazing she just doesn’t sweat the small stuff!
We have a pretty easy evening usually with our 7yo! He eats dinner, wants to watch a bit of tv/play a game then wants weetabix. Teeth brushing takes some coaxing, then pjs are under pillow and I take water up with us. Then we read him a book and he reads a book in bed for a bit. He does however go down to say night night to whoever isn’t putting him to bed once or twice sometimes! May decide at 830 he needs a poo but other than that’s it’s usually ok…

Night time routine is always consistent for us but we have a 4 year old not in school yet and no homework.

Tea, pyjamas, book, teeth upstairs for bed, another book in bed and they are then left to look at pictures in books until they fall asleep.

It’s pretty chaotic in our house. We have routines and pictures to help the kids, but with 3 small kids and at least one who is ND, it ends up a bit chaotic.

When mine were younger the routine was always organised and calm but I had to sit with them until they fell asleep. I was ok with it (most of the time).

Two main things to say to you though

1. are your kids happy and feel loved and secure? If so everything else is minute detail.
2. do try and get in a routine about homework, it only worsens as they get older.

OP you do need to be tidy and organised and stick to routines.

The children need to be able to find their nightclothes.

Homework should be done long before bedtime.

Pick your battles over meals. One of mine had ARFID and another was fussy over food. I therefore cooked what I knew they'd eat, so there was no arguing.

Baths, followed by story and bed were the rule. Nobody was allowed to mess around. I never stayed with any of mine while they fell asleep. I don't understand parents who do.

Maybe you need to be firmer with your children.

I agree with others that it's about having a routine but also not sweating the small stuff. DDs are 8 and 6 and bedtime is chilled in our house but that's because the routine is rock solid and also DH and I stay relaxed if anything doesn't go to plan.

Quiet time after dinner reading or colouring or doing something chilled out. Then teeth brushing and pyjamas. PJs are always hung on their radiator or there's fresh ones in their drawer so there just wouldn't be a time where they couldn't find a pair of pyjamas.

It's not always perfect. DD2 in particular keeps coming downstairs at the moment because she's suddenly thought of something she has a burning need to tell us but she knows that once she's had an extra kiss and cuddle then the next time she comes down I'll be telling her firmly to go to bed. No stress or shouting, it's just not up for discussion as it's my evening too and I'm not interested in having it feel stressful.

I doubt anyone is calm, ordered and 'succeding' in every aspect of life. SIL always had her kids neatly tucked up in bed by 7 pm with a minimum of fuss. But then they'd be up and ready for the day at 5.30 AM which I would absolutely HATE as I am not a morning person at all.

Bedtime is a bit of a shitshow in our house but tbh we haven't put that much serious effort into sorting it because we have (so far) focussed on other battles. On the other hand, our school mornings run like a well oiled machine.

Exactly the same here. Three young DC. I'm strict, do x or y means do it now, and evenings are calm. I prepare and usually things are where they need to be.

DH - a child ends up crying every time.

I think it’s down to a routine and consequences. DC know if they mess around and don’t follow the routine properly then they won’t get to watch tv the next day. The consequence of messing around and dragging out bedtime was that they lost the fun activity in the evening because they demonstrated they need longer to get ready for bed.

The only caveat I have is that when DS needs less sleep he starts to push out bedtime and it’s a reminder to me that he needs less sleep so we push bedtime back 15 minutes. Sometimes I forget as they age they need less sleep!

Omgosh this feels like a pile on.
She knows that 'organisation is key'
Just repeating it doesn't help.
We all know about routine. Except that doesn't bloody help if there's any ND involved (parents aswell as kids) or if there's work deadlines and you're working overtime. Or if your kids knackered and rolling around the floor cos they have no more concentration left in them to do the homework. Or if you say - brush your teeth and instead they kick their sibling.
And having a routine and sticking to it is exhausting too - that's also mental load.
You're making it sound like 'why can't you just do this'
Because sometimes people just can't
It's not necessarily about ' being strict '