A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

@JustMe2026 It’s baffling that some can’t even conceive of experiences outside their own. We're on a planet with over 8 billion people, yet some are able to speak with such certainty as if their own experience defines reality for everyone. Even if a rule holds true for most of the people you know, the pull toward surrounding yourself with similar people, and the confirmation bias that comes with it, is incredibly strong.

It depends on lots of things. My daughter has always slept incredibly well and gets on with things. If I ask her to go to bed she does. Same with most other things. She’s nearly 11 now. I’m not particularly organised and definitely not routine led - although when she was a baby/ toddler we had a strict routine we followed from 2 months so perhaps that helped? Or perhaps she’s just an agreeable child! The thought of her kicking me or shouting no is unfathomable. She’s never ever behaved like that.

It probably helps that it’s just me and her as we’re a little unit and trust each other.

I grew up in a routine driver house and found it incredibly stifling.
We have a routine of sorts - people get fed, teeth brushed and stories read. But DH and I are both spontaneous and I am happy about that. Everyone is different, and routines have their downsides too.

Yes, some families are built differently. That’s not an accident of birth. It’s a series of choices made and held to, including any necessary sacrifices. “Trying your best” is completely irrelevant. If you want a calm household, you can have one.

Same here.

We are a family full of adhd and autism, so routines are essential to all of us and have been in place for decades. I'm sure it looks like perfect clockwork from the outside and have been told so.

What people haven't seen is what happens if something interrupts that routine. Absolute carnage, but thankfully very rare.

I think if you are happy and your kids are happy/ rested and interactions are mainly positive then it's fine whatever you do. I remember someone telling me about her 2 year olds 2 hour structured, seamless bedtime routine which started everyday around 5 and I thought "great for you but not for me!" I mean most people do have a routine, we obviously do, but we are less strict with it as less type A parents.

I don't think she does, I didn't put up with any crap with mine, I was a single mum, ward sister with a very stressful job and any shenanigans at bedtime would have sent me round the bend. I needed to decompress not deal with kids that wouldn't sleep unless I was lying with them for 4 three hours.
I was extremely strict about that but pretty lax about other things.

Could you please "try your best" to not be so sanctimonious and judgemental?

My kids were like this when they were little and we still have the same strict homework/dinnertime/ bedtime routine although they are now older they stay up later. But that was mainly because they were very early risers so they would be ready for bed but up at about 5.30 even at weekends. I thought the bedtime routine would help them sleep longer ( it didnt) but it did give them a good routine at bedtime. Agree about water bottle by bed and pajamas set in the same place every night. Dinner is still the same routine too. Sit down at the table, talk about the day- what they did at school clear up. They get quite offended if I forget to ask them to run through their day now so they clearly like the routine.

Of course it depends on the children. Even if you have a brood they are still a small sample of all children and their needs. It’s like the people who have children who eat well who say ‘I just tell them that if they don’t eat what’s served they’ll eat it eventually’. That is unless you have children who would rather not eat for 3 days than eat food they deem safe.

We had those routines from the beginning - bath, quiet story time, bed. Never worked. They were up and downstairs like yoyos every single night. Climbed into our beds every single night. We tried sleep training, everything.

Some children won't sleep, OP. I always thought I was quite a chaotic mum until a woman I didn't know very well said, 'I always see you in the village, heaidng off to the train station for a fun day out with your DC, every weekend, looking so happy and it makes me feel so inadequate. I never manage to find time to have days out with my DC. But you seem to go out and about with them every weekend.'

And it was true, we did. And we did have fun. But I bet her house was WAY tidier than mine.

All families are different and no families are perfect. I bet you do things well that your friend struggles with OP.

Haha! Don’t worry, night times are chaos at my house! I’ve got a 4 year old who doesn’t go to sleep until at least 11pm, and 8 year old who will go up to bed but constantly text me through the evening for various things - he came down and asked for a fried egg at 9.30 the other night 🙃 I can always find my DD’s pjs but DS’s can be anywhere. They’re healthy and happy so never mind!

I think the poster might talk about the calm side of things. My DS1 is autistic so his routines are like prayers are for a religious person. So it's always the same routine for him. Always. And I put his things at the exakt spot every single day. Yet all it takes is someone coughing or whatever for him to get an overload and there is no calm to be found until he has calmed down. With DS2 everything runs smoothly, just have to nudge him towards what he needs to do.

So yes, however practical and organised you might be as a parent it still depends on what type of children you have. And if siblings you got the fighting as well. I could have 10 ds2 at home and it would be calm. So never judge a parent before you know the circumstances. And even then, don't judge- try to help out instead.

Some people are naturally good at planning and routine. I think its genetic and learned in equal measures.
I grew up in a very chaotic and unroutined house, I try to do things in a considered and planned way but it is inherently hard for me. It is not naturally an ability in any family member.
I remember going to friends houses and they were calm and organised and wondering what it would be like to live in an organised and calm house.
I am better than my mum but way way off some of my organised friends routines.
Also, now adhd is a thing, turns out my kids and my siblings kids all have been diognosed and it makes sense now. We all have it for sure.

I used every technique mentioned here - routine, keeping them on track, count downs - organisation - picture prompts. Things that would help promote them getting to sleep laveneder - getting cold - audio books/white noise - milk - putting them straight back when they got up.

Took till about late primary till it wasn't exhausting getting them to bed or out door on time in mornings. They were doing it themselves by secondary.

If family were around they'd give me flack for it taking so long - or being so exhausting then few occaions they had to do it they really struggled or found it impossible.

The youngest was always odd one out - she'd just go to bed - and would even put herslef doen for naps. Eldest got diagsoned with ADHD - and second one looking into it and so far they think it's very likely.

This is such a good point. We have something much fun with our DCs - always out and about because we couldn't care less if a hypothetical nap doesn't happen at the expected time.

I have so many friends who "can't " do x y z because of their precious routine.

I dont mean this unkindly, but thats rubbish.
I had a good rythym, meal plan, everyone taking responsibility bla bla bla.
I even had labelled drawers. Read to them, everything.
It still all went out the window when one decided that was not going to wash with her, because she is person with a mind of her own and different needs and behaviours.
So when they get out of bed 27 times, what are you going to do? Strap them down?
Such twaddle on this thread. Really.

My kids are still young so we don't have that. But honestly, I have autism, DP has ADHD, I can't imagine we'll ever have a specific place for pj's between wears. Or remember to do homework on time, I write in the reading book on the way into school. We have a happy, loving, safe, disorganised home.

I read a thing about not comparing yourself to others ina sense of "they do so and so but I don't, I must not be as good as them" focus on the things you do do. We have a swing, slide, Wendy house, ride on cars and bikes in our living room., we have amazing animals, our kids spend wicked amounts of time playing independently, playing outside, building, learning, so what we can't find our pj's at bed time and have to get up again for a drink 🤷‍♀️. We're all just doing our best, you know you're doing your best and you care about your kids. So your kids have a different life to their friends. Different, not worse.

Oh as I said at the end I don’t have ND children. I did say that very explicitly. So it does make life easier. Also DH and I have flexible jobs which means we can often both be around at the part of the day that does become chaotic.

These are all factors. Absolutely.

I knew a GM who kids had never slept more than around 5-6 hours and about half the GC were doing same with their parents - she had them a lot to give DIL a break.

They were not tired and there was no ND known in family - they just seem to need much less sleep than others. As kids got older and needed less supervision it was much less an issue - but pre-school years were was a nightmare for the parents.

Chuckle away but it just sounds smug. Our routine started when DC came back from hospital. Soothing quiet evenings, regular bed time, low lights, warm bath, stories, cuddles. It did not work. The minute we left the room the crying or calling out started. Once they were old enough to climb out of bed, they would be up and down stairs all night long and then in and out of our bedroom every night. We tried every method in existence and we never deviated from the restful routine we'd set up.

It turned out DS2 is autistic and a common feature of autism is being unable to fall asleep or not needing much sleep. He would sleep for an hour, be wide awake for five hours, sleep for 45 mins and then be up for the day, with a few short naps. nothing under the sun prevented this.

My contrast, it took 2 days to potty train DS1 and about 3 days to train DS2. I could be smug about the brilliant method I used. Or I could just accept we got lucky on that aspect of parenting. Never once had an accident.

Solidarity 💪 Our evenings are pretty terrible and we only have one 3 year old. She has never accepted going to sleep without one of us in bed with her. The only method we could have tried is locking her in her room and letting her cry it out, and we weren’t willing to do that. I think my neighbors are trying this method now with their one year old because he screams hysterically from 8 to 10 every night and has done for the last two months.

Guaranteed whatever time bedtime routine starts, DP or I will be in bed with her till 10/10:30. So nowadays we play or dance for a while after dinner and go upstairs for a shower/teeth/pjs/story at 8:30. It’s exhausting but I don’t know how we could do it differently.

But I do think she has a different personality to a lot of other kids in her class - she’s really resistant to any instructions, everything has to be on her terms. She still won’t use the toilet though I know she can. Pressuring her or shouting makes things worse. Bribing doesn’t work. Even her nursery teachers advised me to just calmly go with her flow. So I choose my battles and am trying really hard not to compare myself to other parents.

In the end, my daughter is happy and healthy and kind. The rest doesn’t matter too much.

How old are these children? Because I don’t recognise life with teenagers in this at all!

@Jugendstiel you make such a good point...I have two loud fidgety children, one who isn't a great sleeper and one who is a fussy eater and I am always comparing myself to friends who have quieter more compliant children...but actually there's lots of things that my DC don't struggle with (e.g. going to new places, trying new sports, talking to adults etc).

Well, there's a couple of major factors here:

How old are the kids??

Also, how many kids?