A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

I'm happy for you and all, but we have two children between us, SD16 and DD5 and bedtime has looked completely different for both of them. DD is low sleep needs, and needed someone lying with her until she fell asleep until she turned 5. SD always needed loads of sleep and usually fell asleep whilst we were reading to her. From a baby, she used to go down in her cot and sleep 12 hours straight. However, it took very little for her to end up overtired and then she'd be refusing to go to bed, crying, and repeatedly getting out of bed to say she couldn't sleep. Whereas baby DD would often be still full of energy at midnight and in a perfectly good mood, just not tired.

Eh, I think it’s a combination of environment/routine, the children’s personalities and how the parents react to unforeseen situations.

I have a coworker who just seems perpetually frazzled and stressed about everything, it stresses me out just listening. My DD is pretty chaotic and has always been (the classic oh I have to take [wtv] tomorrow for class at 9pm) but I’ve rolled with it pretty well, at most it’s mildly annoying. Can’t find the pjs? Get a different one from the drawer.

I can't cope without a routine myself - I'm not strict about it, but I do better if the things we do every day have an order to them.

So we used to have the shoes and socks alarm (now we just do it at the right time), PE kits are put together at the beginning of the week along with uniforms. Kids are expected to get their own breakfast. I will sign homework diary if you bring it to me with a pen, and show me where to sign, but I won't chase, bedtime, if you're not in bed at 9pm then I'm not tucking you in (youngest still likes to be tucked in - eldest comes round to say good night to me at 10pm - so basically tucks me in in stead :) ). I start dinner at 5pm. I go upstairs at 8:30 after doing the house shutdown etc.

But if we're out or something's on, I'm not going to be upset about that. If someone is in the middle of something and needs another 15 minutes (and this is rare) then that's fine - we're all going to be reasonable (within age limits - mine are tween/teen now - but it was the same when they were little)

I do think that the secret is less the routine, and more the consistency/following through (although again, I'm lucky enough to have kids that respond to that) - as when my ex was around, bedtime took a lot longer for him to do than me (even though it was technically his responsibility) because he didn't make the effort to be consistent - and I know it's hard. Putting in routines is hard. But the payoff is once the routine is there, it's Soooo much easier.

🤣 what utter bollocks! You clearly lack imagination.

@Kiwo has summed it up perfectly, @GlowWithBalance - don't beat yourself up for not being perfect.

I call bullshit. It was like world war 2 in our house every day for years 🤣

But you can put in a routine, and have it working and then one comes along and it can all go out the window. You can try make it happen but you are dealing with humans here not little robots. Sometimes, what works for one will not work for another.

I agree - this is me, too. I don't thrive on calm. This has pros and cons - I'm energetic, great in a crisis and very adaptable, but neither organisation nor routine comes naturally to me. DH is very different, and I can see traits from us both in the DC.

Organisation and routine are not key. It entirely depends on the type of child you have.

I am extremely organised and love a routine. We've had the same routine for 8 years since DS was born. That still doesn't stop the chaos happening. If you have a child who likes to fight at every step, no amount of routine and organisation is going to stop that. Its not down to parenting either as some suggest as I've parented both children the same and one is chaos the other is not.

As with everything, what works for one family might not work for another. I've learnt to lean into the chaos (and make it part of our routine) but there are some days where chaos just reins.

My kids are not perfect. I have a chaotic teenager and a smaller child who has a lot of energy. YET our evenings are very smooth. It's mainly that we follow a very fixed routine.

• come in, wash hands, have a snack and sit down with homework. (4:15/30-5). Once is in late primary, one in secondary so slightly different finish times.
• DH or I make dinner.
• eat dinner (5:15-6). DH may have work so I sit with them or vice versa.
• one child bathes and one child does music practice
• and now in reverse with the other one bathing, and one doing music practice
• brush teeth (all of this takes 40 mins or so). They don't need supervision doing bath time, but I do gently supervise music practice. I leave their clothes out just before we sit down for dinner.
• both put out their uniforms, shoes and bags for the next day
• DH and I tidy up downstairs
• they help with putting any laundry away and housework (these three things happen together) Now we are at 7 pm.
• bigger child does any additional homework while at the same time...if he's done he goes up to read.
• younger child goes to read/play and then mins later I go and read and lights out (by 7:30, he's asleep by 8 if not earlier)
• about an hour later older child goes up to read, lights out (about 9)

(Edited to say he goes up at 9, lights out is closer to 9:30).

So it's a fairly standard evening. No they don't have TV time. We don't do extra curricular stuff in the week (only stuff they do during the school day)- we leave it for the weekend. Our Saturdays are very busy. Our Sundays less so, so that's a full family day. None of my kids have additional needs. DH works from home 4/5 days and I work from home 3/5 days. So all of this helps.

My partner's godson was one of those kids that was never any trouble. Occasional tantrum during the terrible twos as you'd expect but aside from that always a delight. He's now 17 and still the nicest kid you could imagine. Not a geeky guy either. Really sporty and the girls seem to love him.

I think it relies on lots of things and part of it is having sleep-liking and fairly calm DC (I know the difference as I have one at each end of the spectrum with a big age gap!). It also basically needs constant organisation, tidiness (eg PJs are always put back under pillow or whatever) and a fairly rigid approach eg school nights there's no deviation from the routine so DC learn not to request it. I actually like a bit of flex and I'm not super routine myself so take the rough with the smooth!

Why was your friend telling you how smoothly her evenings go? It sounds the tiniest bit smug depending on the context?!

I agree with this, I have a friend who came to visit with her 1 and 3yo, and when we gently hinted they were free to put them to bed, they gleefully told us they'd enjoy staying up and playing with us!

I do think (with a bit of smugness incoming unfortunately) that some chaotic people who want to be calm don't realise what they're contributing to it.

As upthread, my husband moans that our son is calm for me and chaotic for him. But he doesn't do all the subtle things I do to nudge things along, doesn't keep things in the right place, then doesn't embrace my son's natural love of order (he's two and he moved his cup onto a coaster this morning).

So it's not just about what you want, it's about what your children are like, and about what you behave like as well.

House full of ND but I’ve found they thrive on routine and efficiency. The children play loudly and everyone has a voice (which they are still learning to wait for a pause) but I can predict that bedtime is usually over with by 7.30

I have to agree.. there's a natural amount of routine for people I think. The payoff has to be worth the graft, and for each person that's an individual thing.

My sisters kids are even more structured than mine, but the lengths she goes to are more effort than I'm prepared to put in for the payoff she gets. I don't mind if my kids rooms are untidy (as long as they're not actively unhygienic) whereas her kids like everything super-organised and would struggle in my youngest's room - he loves it as it is.

Mostly calm but then we have blow ups! I think that is more normal. That life is pretty calm until there is a drama - lost book / friend arguments / hates hair.... and then drama resolved its back to calm.

I'm a granny. My children were brought up in chaos. Always last minute rush to do everything. Homework often forgotten. Son was much happier boarding than at home. More structure and everything at hand.
My son and his wife have the calmest home imaginable. Everything has a time and a place. Bedtimes for my grand daughter (now 7) have always been calm and routine. Same in the mornings and weekends - but with different routines.. Lots of fun times too but all built into the structure of the day. Such a pleasure to stay with them. It took me a while to adjust to their 'rules' but I hugely appreciate it now and can see the positive effects on gd. She never has to spend energy or time worrying about anything. All her energy goes into playing and learning.

You can have all the routines in place and be the perfect parent but every child is different. This is why each class and school year in school runs very differently despite having the same rules and routines. Parents having an easy time congratulate themselves when often they should be thankful for blind luck. Stop beating yourself up.

We had a routine but my DS was not a sleeper so it was stressful. It improved as he got older.

Even when following a routine bedtime wasn't particularly calm although I tried to make it so.

One more thing about our routine that I detailed there. We are not a quiet/calm family. We are very loud, and everyone talks a lot. So we are not wafting around speaking in breathless tones. This is a loud Asian family. So it's not 'calm' in that sense but it's a fairly set routine that everyone follows with no pushback.

I think we're somewhere in the middle. homework is only occasionally forgot and it's the 10 minute one so fixable. PJ's always in right place etc. but all 3 require supervision for bedtime routine. 5 year olds would mess about and 10 yo would get distracted and go to bed fully dressed, unwashed but with a book. youngest still need touching to sleep but we've allowed that and I'm just hoping they'll want it less as they grow. we have routine but also the personalities of distraction, chaos and noise

Was always calm in our house when ds was a baby and growing up. We had a nice routine and Ioved bedtime.

That’s great but we’ve had a routine since birth yet my ds aged 8, diagnosed AuDHD with PDA needs to be helped and guided through bath time, Pyjamas and to clean teeth. He needs hands on help throughout the entire process and will not just do it like some children do. He is normally in bed by 8.30 but doesn’t sleep until 10.30. I have two others too, so it is never easy.

I don’t mean this unkindly, but our evenings are peaceful because the children respect the rhythm of the house. We meal plan, we prep, and everyone takes responsibility for their own things.

I genuinely can’t remember the last time anyone lost pyjamas, they’re folded in sets in labelled drawers. And bedtime is always lovely. Baths, reading, then lights out, no fuss or drama.

There's no secret! Just discipline and routine.

Routine really is the answer. It does kids good and yeah, with some kids it can be a struggle to get there but they do tend to learn if parents consistent. I know it's hard for the parents and easier to go with the flow but when the child gets older and naturally pushes boundaries it's makes the problem worse down the line.

My neighbours next door have a 3, nearly 4 year old. The kid doesn't go to bed until they do, up to around 11pm, sometimes midnight. The child sleeps with parents too, we hear her kick off through the bedroom wall. But you know what? I don't think I've ever heard such an unhappy child as that one. She throws a wobbly about 25 times a day (no joke, hear them all as clear as day) over anything. For example, mum not responding to daughter saying mum within a few seconds? She kicks off. Full tantrum, screaming. I can't help but think that child needs a better routine, better and more sleep and a couple of parents who actually parent.