A friend’s “perfect routine” has me wondering if some families are just built differently

[GlowWithBalance]

A friend of mine was telling me recently about how smoothly evenings go in her house. Her kids apparently finish dinner without fuss, go upstairs when told, get ready for bed, read quietly, then fall asleep without any drama. She talks about it like it is the most normal thing in the world.
I was happy for her, of course, but it left me thinking about how different families can be. In our house the evenings sometimes feel like a small storm. Someone cannot find their pyjamas, someone needs a drink, someone remembers urgent homework just as I am turning off the lights. By the time they are finally asleep I feel like I have run a full race.
It is funny how you can be doing your best and still feel like you are missing a secret manual that other parents somehow have. Talking to her made me realise that many of us only see the calm version of other families, not the chaos behind the scenes.

At one point I had 6 with various additional needs, so we all got good at helping someone else with something so that we’d all get a nicer evening.

It doesn’t mean chaos doesn’t happen. No way. Kids still have meltdowns and empty their bedrooms down the stairs, but the easy bits get easier.

My Mum is like this.

My brother and I were both walking, talking and completely potty trained at 9 months.

We were never fussy and ate everything put in front of us.

We never argued or fought with each other.

Neither of us ever had a tantrum.

She never shouted at us or smacked us.

I can't verify the age of walking/talking/potty training (and by all accounts, we were a bit earlier than average, although I think 9 months is an exaggeration) but I have very clear memories in contradiction of the other things. Of course, if I say this, she says I have a wild imagination.

You can tell me to be organised and tidy all you like. It doesn't work for me with ADHD. I have always had a dh who worked abroad and we travelled a lot with him too - routines weren't always easy. No. 4 is 10 years younger than no. 1 so sometimes bedtime was irregular so I could pick up from scouts/tennis/rugby etc. It just makes me feel like a failure as a mum when people trot out the be tidy and have a routine thing. It's honestly not easy for all of us.

So because you're disorganised anyone who says they're organised must be lying?

If meetings are well known to be unproductive and boring in work settings, why would they be any better at home? You might as well just send the kids an email.

I'm sorry I did chuckle about the comment it depends on the children..No it doesn't it depends on the parent. If you keep a good routine and learnt from small then it is nice, quiet and happy. We have a brood ranging from 2-15 and from making beds before they leave there rooms to helping make teas and do final dishes. Everyone knows what to do and once all done chill time before bed for a short while and even the 2 year olds know when it's there time to go up. Our motto has always been the quicker house jobs are done the quicker we get onto the fun stuff and that everyone joining in keeps for a happy organised family

Reminds me of when I had a difficult teenager and was struggling. I remember one muppet saying " oh i wouldnt stand for that".
Oh RIGHT. thats where i went wrong! Rediculous comment.
EVERY child is different, every family is different and I do not beleive for one second that her routine works fabulously all the time and when it does, its hugely down to the children being the kind of children that respond to her in a way that works. I had 2 like that. Ran like clockwork it did.
Then I had my 3rd and i realised i didnt have a clue actually and my fabulous parenting was hugely down to the kind of children I had.
I had to make huge adjustments and huge changes to my expectations and so called routine and what i believed was needed in my parenting. I include DH in all of this as well.
No child is born into the same family and really, a bit of chaos in the evening, sure it wont last really. They all grow up eventually.

Some kids like routine, yes, but that doesn't mean they can't be thrown by a non-routine person.

We WFH, and without even thinking about it, I replace things where they belong through the morning with my son, and through the day. Whereas my husband wanders around looking for things that have a home.

I keep a rough note of timings and stick to it, and have a good "feel" for how long we've spent doing any activity (none of that time is spent searching for things, that gets you out of step).

My husband has chaotic bedtimes and mornings. I have orderly ones that still have time for fun because we don't waste time searching for shit.

We have a bit of both in our house but yes, Routine. And sadly that can only be driven by the parents.

Have check lists for morning and evening and on each list has a job for the next time slot so that they’re done ahead of time.

I had three under five and routine was the non-negotiable part of life that ensured everyone had what they needed, did what they needed, and were where they needed to be on time, including bed. Was it easy? No way, but children thrive on predictable routines. We weren’t perfect but having a routine doesn’t mean perfection, it just means that everyone knows what’s expected.

It's luck of the draw, really. Ours are teens now, but we never experienced bedtime fights and having to repeatedly tell kids to go to bed and stay there etc. This was nothing to do with routines, though we did have them, and entirely down to our kids both liking their shut-eye and just wanting to sleep.

I'm sure there are very disciplined parents with cast iron routines who still end up with kids who won't go to bed on time, and probably some utterly chaotic homes where it so happens that the kids like sleeping. I think some kind of routine is always best , but you can't guarantee your kids' attitude to sleep.

I think it's important to figure out which things genuinely makes your life feel stressful and/or make your children feel stressed, and which things you just want to do bec ause you've imbibed the idea they look like 'good parenting'.

My DD routinely goes to bed late for her age; she always has. I see absolutely no sense in having a battle to get her down for 8pm when she isn't really tired. She would definitely be the child who 'couldn't find' her PJs or 'hadn't done' her homework. But come 9pm, she's sleepy, the PJs somehow miraculously appear just where they should be; the excuses stop, and she'll go down. For ages I had this idea in my head that if she was still up at 'bedtime' it looked disorganised. Life is much easier now that I have decided it is not something worth caring about, because it has no negative impact on her or me.

In the same way, I actually don't care if she comes down three times to get a glass of water/ a box of tissues/ another stuffed toy. I used to think I should care and it stressed me out much more than her just doing it. She's slightly faffy about bedtime; so what? Some of us are.

OTOH, in the morning she really does need a proper routine or she won't eat breakfast - she needs time to wake up properly - so there, I am much more picky.

We do have a good evening routine- but with an Autistic 15 year old and a 13 year old it's one that has been hard fought over a decade or so.

It's home, dinner, tidy, wash dishes when The Archers are on, kids do homework, i iron and lay out clothes for next day, bed by 9 (Dcs by 10) as we are up at 5.

It's not been smooth however to get to this point. It's developed organically I think largely. DS1 has his shower before bed. DS2 has his in the morning.

we all thrive on calm and enjoy a relaxed evening so we made it that way.

🤣🤣🤣 Sorry but that is just a ridiculous thing to say! Everybody thrives on calm and enjoy relaxed evenings and mornings. Who on Earth enjoys chaos and stress?!?!!?
As a few other PPs have said, for some kids, it doesn't matter how well set in stone the routine is and all the tools used (timers, visual reminders and boards, etc.) some really struggle with transitions, getting dressed, being left alone at night, sitting still long enough for a meal or homework, etc. and these things take much longer and much more effort from both parents and kids to get done, meaning things don't always (never?) go to plan.

Routine and organisation is part of it, but a lot of this is just down to the personalities of the children and the parents. Sometimes people who have these very calm families do not realise that. We have really good routines in place, but our home is never going to be described as ‘calm’.

sometimes children thrive with routine and sometimes parents parent with an iron fist which scares the crap out of their kids who then comply due to sheer terror.

Things change as well. Mine used to be like this and I had such nice evenings all to myself. Now they are teens and there is often a drama before bed or a problem that needs to be discussed at length. I miss my evenings 😩

I think it was a mildly smug thing to say (sorry @LeadBubbles!), but actually, no, everybody doesn't thrive on calm and relaxed.

It bores the pants of me, frankly. And DD too. I love a calm morning but I would be very, very bored with the sort of evening routine where you get your darlings home, do their homework, play soothing flute music and watch them drift off to dreamland at 7pm. I'm absolutely fine with DD deciding actually, she wants to dance to classic Madonna or whatever.

We are all different. I think people who are not 'routines' people often beat themselves up because they're trying to be square pegs in round holes.

Ah yes, god be with the days they were all in bed by Coronation street. Then they turned into teens and my life turned into an episode of Coronation street!! The nights of drama with a teenager perched on the end of the bed till the wee hours of the morning...........routine. What routine?

Some parents are just naturally more calm and organised.

im naturally a ball of chaos and always have been. There’s only so much ‘building routines’ you can do if you’re not that way inclined.

that being said. Our evenings are probably somewhere in between the two situations you describe. So it might be worth scaling it all back and having a reset with the kids about the expectations of evening. I.e if homework isn’t finished by x o’clock then it’s too late and then hey have to face the consequence at school. And teach them how to get their own water and stuff so that not everything is on you.

I feel your pain! I am lucky if I go to bed same time as them!

Yes exactly 😂 I would love a quiet relaxed evening but the kids have other ideas. We do all the visual boards etc but ND child in particular needs so much help with the process and puts up a lot of resistance!

It can sometimes be chaos here with them all playfighting (or real fighting) winding each other up. Thats the joy of a big family and time flies.

I like a bedtime routine but with an AuDHD child it is inevitably a bit chaotic, despite us following the same set process.

Some children are just easier than others. Mostly I don't think it's down to someone being a great parent if their children go easily to bed.

Yeh I suppose you get back what you put in. My oldest is 5 but bed time just seems to take forever and he takes ages to go to sleep and is always asking for drinks etc saying he is hungry and things get delayed. Maybe I should be a bit stricter about things but it is what it is.