Men carrying the domestic load

[Slightyamusedandsilly]

Every time there is a thread about marriage (that some call 'man bashing') on here, there is a woman, giving an account of how her husband doesn't share the domestic load.

Others pile on with the 'not all men' stuff.

SO, I would love to know, genuinely, how many of us are lucky enough to have a partner (doesn't have to be actual marriage) who does the bulk of the domestic load. Either as a SAHD, or because he works part-time, or because his commute is less or he works from home.

Please, please, redress the narrative if you're able to ?

My DH is the best and I take it for granted sometimes. Every morning we wake up, son jumps into bed and DH goes down and makes me a cup of tea in bed every morning as well as bringing DS some juice. We then have half an hour watching TV etc as I join the land of the living. He goes does after showering and sorts breakfast and cleans up every day too. Weekends included.

I tend to get the dinner going each evening as WFH so often stop work before he’s home. Drop offs and pick ups are 50/50.

It is all very evenly spread.

Mine does loads, especially as I’m now disabled but still needs a list on the blackboard in the kitchen as he is pathologically unable to see dust or when to hoover. The list was at his request as he will get distracted (e.g. today he went to prep the veg then went off at a tangent involving sharpening knives and better ways to store them 🤷🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️). But he does all the cooking, most of the washing and all the ironing. We share the bits I can still do.

He also looks after me, makes sure my meds are sorted and that I’ve taken them.

He’s a good ‘un and I love him dearly.

Our circumstances came about because of the COVID pandemic.
I was pulling 60 hour work weeks out of the house. He WFH and ended up taking 95% of everything on. It’s carried on.
He does all of the kids hobbies, school run and most things around the house.
He has just painted walls & ceilings for the last 3 weekends as there is no football for the youngest.
He’s a great cook, I am crap.

He adores our kids, gave up his own hobbies and interests as soon as they were a twinkle. His life is poured into them.
His only priority on a Saturday is to get the school uniforms washed & dried, and to get little one to football to play or watch.

He’s a diamond.

My DH does more around the house/shopping/cooking. I do more of the children related tasks. I’d say all in all it’s a pretty even split. We work the same amount of hours so it’s the only way that’s fair I think

yes The cooking , cleaning and also a full time role - I’m
not really sure we’re 50/50
except I contribute more financially - feel embarrassed to admit that with friends but I don’t relate to chat that starts “he does nothing…” am I lucky ? Who knows

just works for us

I've only ever known of two men who share the load.

I'm 56, he's 62. We've been together 27 years, he's always been the same.

So DH works full time, sometimes at home, sometimes in London- long commute, he stays one night at a time tops). He works really hard, long hours, very senior position so has a lot of responsibility.

But still the moment he's not working- before and after work, in his lunch hour, when he pops downstairs for coffee, he's being a dad and a husband. We wake up at 4am every morning to start our day- he tends to our livestock, I start breakfast, get the kids uniforms and clothes ready, etc. He comes back and gets the kids up, dressed, we do breakfast together as a family. He does the dishes and tidies while I do school and nursery run, then he starts work. Mid morning he comes down for coffee and unless I've gone out with Baby DD he'll play with her, help me with tasks, make a bottle etc. Same at lunchtime, we eat together, i wash up, he plays with DD. After work he eats dinner with us, plays with kids, does bath and bed with me, then while I settle and feed baby he's doing the dishes and putting all the toys away downstairs.

There's no excuse for it. A man that works flat out in a senior role, who is exhausted but who chose to have a wife, 5 kids and a small farm! He's not going to sit about while I raise our children! We're very traditional in a lot of ways, but he doesn't shy away from being the father 5 girls need. I am so very lucky.

I'm late 20s, he's early 40s for reference. Both grew up with mother raising kids, father working. I haven't worked since we married nearly 10 years ago, and I won't work again unless I get bored when our kids fly the nest!

Mine definitely does thereabouts equal amounts to me of the work. To be honest probably actually more than me at the moment thinking about it. I would say I carry most of the mental load and always have done but mostly I don't mind because he does other jobs I don't want to do, frankly. He does pretty much all the washing up, bins, DIY, anything car related including all the driving as I was unsuccessful at learning to drive, almost all of stuff involving sorting bills (if that makes sense), almost all of the ironing, about a quarter of the cooking, about half of the shopping. He will pitch in with other stuff sometimes when needed too of course. Childcare he does a little less than me because of our jobs. But we both have one full day each with the kids and he does do some drop offs and pick ups.

At the moment I do more of the night work as well but only because I'm breastfeeding my youngest (who is the one that wakes by far the most at night). In the past at other times he's done more of the night work though and he still does do a fair bit (youngest is a terrible sleeper).

So yeah, he's great.

Yep,we are spot on 50/50, both work FT, have commitments outside of home, and he does exactly the same amount as me. I wouldnt have married him or had kids otherwise.
None of this pathetic man baby "give me a list or tell me what to do". Hes massively untuitive, tuned in, common sensical and an amazing dad and husband. As his dad is.

Husband here. My wife and I both work full time but I am the main income earner. I do all the shopping, cooking, washing, ironing, gardening, cleaning, hoovering, bill paying, car organising (services, new tyres etc). I do the two early morning school club drop offs before work (my wife does the other normal time drop offs) and I do my share of the after-school runs to evening activities.

Not for the children as they are mine, not his, but my DP most definitely does share the load. We have our own jobs- I cook, he washes up, irons, hoovers. He brings me coffee every morning, I make our lunches. He hates “sitting around” if I’m busy doing something and will often tell me off if I try to help tidy up after dinner.

We are pretty equal. DH does kitchen, bathroom and washing up, I do laundry, hoovering and clearing crap. He has done A +E when needed, I do GP (almost never do either of those things though). I'm part time. He compressed hours when DC were small so had a day a week with them. We share sick days depending on whose diary is busier.

We have both always earned around the same which I think helps. He's a good man, he grew up fast (as did I) when kids came along.

My partner cooks 5 nights a week for me and his step kids. Does all our washing. Drives around and collects everyone who needs lifts. Fixes stuff around the house. Definitely carries the mental load. We are both better at different things: he’s great at caring for everyone and the house and I’m better at going to work and paying for everyone. But to be clear he also works full time, just a slightly less demanding job. It works for us!

This list is not exhaustive, but DH does all the clothes washing (folded and delivered to my dressing room in a crate), the bins, the gardening, diy, changes the sheets and towels, and does about 80% of the cleaning. Also does all packed lunches for the DC, sorting their toys and wardrobes (getting rid of outgrown stuff etc), and packs for them when we go away - I don’t have to think about anything other than packing my own stuff. Also arranges and takes responsibility for all out of school activities - eg swimming lessons, scouts etc - sorts babysitters, feeds all the pets, and does the early morning dog walk every day. He works full-time, out of the house, and earns a bit more than me.

I do all the meal planning and food shopping, plus most of the cooking (I am better at it!) and a bit of the cleaning. I also tend to lead on all things ‘emotional’ with the DC, as well as thinking about their education etc and being aware of (and responding to) their needs more generally.

I sometimes feel guilty that he does so much, but he always says he wants to do it for us. I also have ADHD, so struggle with the process/routine type domestic jobs and I guess we have naturally fallen into the roles that we have.

My DM and her friends think he is some sort of god-like being, and I do realise I am pretty lucky (and I do tell him this!). However, I am also very aware that many men have lived like me over the years without necessarily ever stopping to think about their luck…

I'm literally languishing in the bath as i can hear OH portioning up soup for us for the week that he made earlier. He's cleaning up and getting house ready for the week.

I could die Tomorrow and I know nothing would miss a beat.
We are renovating a house ourselves with 3 young children so it's all hands on deck. We have a child with additional needs and either one of us will do the appointments or necessary admin.
He works full time, Im part time but wfh. He does all morning drop offs and I do pick ups. He probably does lionshare of cooking. Does all the laundry. Although everything is very much whomever sees it needs doing will just crack on and do it. We don't have set roles. We will have times where its manic at work so the other one will cover more.

He has pretty much always been this way since i met him and is rather embarrassed to have sibling/father/bil who are not equal partners. His brother in his 30s has a house but chooses to stay living at home so he can be catered to 🙈

I'm often told how "lucky" I am. Unfortunately I don't see many other men being equal partners in my real life circles. I do see a few women (absolutely not all and men still have full agency to not be lazy regardless!) who seem to like the validation of being the one who does everything and perhaps like the control? Or security they feel in their role that they are needed and vital. But then equally moan they are burnt out🙈

I've always made it very very clear in my relationship From the start we are equal and do our standards match? We are very much on the same page.

Same here - though I don’t even organise holidays 😂 - both work ft and have kids. I do more cleaning probably but given I do so little else it’s definitely 90/10 (me doing the 10)…it’s a mix of he likes things done a certain way (and I made it clear if that was the case that he would need to do those things himself) and me fairly deliberately refusing to do ‘wife work’… I used to be a single parent and do it all…so why would I then want to add additional load by merit of getting married?! I honestly think if more women just set their stall then more men would just get on with it.

I see weaponised incompetence used a lot by some men but if you take the stance of simply pointing out how it needs to be done properly ad infinitum then they do eventually work out it’s easier doing it properly the first time.

I like to think that I’m showing our daughters a good example of how a relationship can be, but it’s also definitely that I have got lazier the older I’ve got too 😂

DH is 58. From the moment we lived together he has done at least 50% of the home admin and household management. He was always at least as responsible as I was for all the parenting related and school admin things including gift buying and making sure DS had all the gumpf needed for school events etc . He has done 90% of the food shopping, 100% of the food planning and between 60-100% of the cooking over the last 20 years

He works full-time and whilst in the early years he learnt less, his salary has generally been almost double mine for the last 10 years, until my recent promotion.

I have worked 3-4 days a week for the last 20 years and he has been full time. His job is more flexible than mine so he also often did a lot of childcare when ds was ill etc and more than 50% during school holidays

Me and my husband are mostly 50/50. He probably does more house stuff eg cleaning washing machine filter, descaling things (I’ve never once done these jobs!) but I do more childcare eg more days out, take then tk birthday parries, buy presents etc. He is very very proactive and if anything more so than me! He works shift so if often off in the week / home earlier than me so he has always been very proactive - his argument is a) why on earth would he just sit around all day waiting for me to come home and cook dinner for example and b) then we get more of an evening together.

Mine does and I post this here regularly. He does the food shop, the bulk of the laundry, the bins, half the meals/dishes, the hoovering, all the school life admin (this for me is the big mental load so I'm thrilled he does it), books and packs for all holidays including all the kids stuff, does all the finances including rearranging cheaper insurance etc yearly. Oh, and everything to do with the car. And the kid's after school activities including taking son to and from. And he's the chair of the local scouts trustees. He's absolutely epic.

Me too! I’m he’s always been actively involved but I have a disease that makes me unable to do as much as I used to so DH stepped up a few years ago and does loads. We have a cleaner cone once a week and I do a lot of the admin and running kids around etc which I can do

Not quite 50/50 but he defo pulls his weight! Works very long hours but does toddler bath and bedtime every night, and helps me do the closing shift once they are in bed. I do majority of cooking as I enjoy it, he’ll take the kids for a walk or something whilst I do so I can relax. Also if I ever don’t want to cook, he will happily get us a takeaway or do beans on toast etc. He’s also been renovating our house all on his own for the past 2 years, without any complaining. Weekends will jump on any washing that needs doing, does all the bins/recycling/food waste, takes my car for a clean, will do any midweek shopping bits that I forgot in main shop. He’s also super tidy which is half the battle I find! He also pays for us to have a cleaner fortnightly for a couple of hours to do the floors, deep clean kitchen and bathroom etc, which I’m incredibly grateful for!

When I met my husband he was a grown up coping perfectly well on his own doing his cooking and washing and so on.
However since then we've split the load based entirely on our availability and skills. He does all the DIY and mechanics and repairs. He does the dog walking as soon as he's back from work. I tend to cook, laundry, do fire as I WFH and can get it done easily.
The boy has his own chores: chickens, rat traps, log stacking, etc

As I sit here my partner just cooked dinner, did the washing up, and is taking baby up to settle while I'm waiting for our son to finish up and I'll settle him.
During the pregnancy he did all housework as my job was to grow the baby, I had to sneak chores! 😂
We are a team, when one can they do, when one can't the other steps up. We both work/travel and home work as a mixture and again. I genuinely believe his love language is acts of service and likes to be helpful/useful.

I refuse to be a single parent in a marriage and made sure I picked differently this time. He's loved on his own for years, and doesn't see why he wouldn't do a hoover because he'd do it if he still lived alone etc