I’ve done something really awful

[Chelins78]

Hi,

I’m making myself worrying over this….

I support my elderly mother with day to day stuff for including paying bills etc. I have access to her online banking etc

last month I desperately needed £250 but wasn’t getting paid for 2 more days. Out of desperation I paid the £250 from moms account and then paid it back in when my salary arrives 2 days later.

i feel so awful for doing this- like a thief. It’ll never happen again but how do I forgive myself and move on?

Well that is a crime, tbh, so your conscience is correct in telling you you’ve done something awful.

I know

You paid it back immediately, it was a one off, forgive yourself.

I think with things like this, the only way to get over it is to admit it to your mum

Would that be possible?

Im sure she would forgive you so try to forget about it.

I think you just have to forgive yourself and move on. It wasn’t ideal but you’ve paid it back and by the sound of it you help your elderly mother out a lot. You haven’t stolen it, the money is back and you won’t do it again. The fact you feel bad about it means you are a good person, I think.

You paid it back 2 days later.
It's a non event.

Don’t hold back @CosyMintFish …

OP - would you be able to tell your mum or does she have limited capacity eg dementia and that’s why you have charge of her finances?

Did you tell your Mum you had done it.If you had asked her she probably wouldn’t have minded lending it to you.
What happens the next time you are short of money.

As long as you paid it back I wouldn’t be too concerned! Maybe next time think twice as the bank will probably pick up on this if it happens frequently and I can imagine it’s the sort of thing your account could get frozen for and investigated?

You are fine. You paid it back. Was it to her detriment -no. Don’t make a habit of it though.

We’ve all made mistakes. I am terrible for guilting myself when I’ve done something I regret but I now learn from it and forgive myself. The way you feel now suggests you won’t do it again so you’ve learnt. Forgive yourself and move on.

Gosh, ignore the first reply OP! You needed the money and paid it straight back. Did your Mum miss it for those two days? It's incredibly tough being a carer, you need to go easy on yourself.

Why didn't you just ask to borrow it? That way you wouldn't be feeling bad. So long as you don't do it again without asking then you'll be fine. It was wrong, but you've replaced it and have hopefully learned a valuable lesson.

Not great but not a disaster. And you’ve paid it back. Just don’t ever do it again.

This!
It was always going to be paid back quickly, it barely left.

Why didn't you ask?

Does she know you did this? Did you ask her beforehand or tell her afterwards? Or is it a secret?

Don’t do it again. You’ll be tempted next time you’re short if you feel you “got away with it”. But it’s a slippery slope. It is essentially stealing.

I think that now you have done it once and got away with it, it will be very tempting to do it again. This is the start of a slippery slope. The fact that you didn't ask her before taking her money is a big red flag. Can you really trust yourself not to do this again?

Snap @lynnebenfieldshandbag !

If my daughter did that I wouldn’t be the slightest bit concerned

This is not stealing at all. You had no intention of permanently depriving your mother of the funds and you paid it back as soon as you could. Go easy on yourself, you seem over anxious. It’s not easy being a carer, look after yourself.

This.

I can’t imagine my mother having any issue with me doing this - if I’d asked. She absolutely would have an issue if I didn’t ask.

It’s the not asking that makes it the wrong thing to do, assuming she has capacity to understand. (If she doesn’t, then I wouldn’t have done it as if you’re acting as a formal POA in that situation then that’s a whole different level of personal responsibility)

My child, much like you manages my day to day expense. I cannot get out alone, so it's easier for both of us this way.

would your Mum have loaned you the money if you'd asked?

if so, if it happens again, ask her. And tell her what you did.

if she wouldn't have loaned you the money, but could have if she wanted to sell then she has reaped what she has sown. A mean Mum and a lying child.

if she couldn't have afford to loan it to you, you really shouldn't have done it, you have financially abused an old woman.

context matters. I've always said that I don't believe my immediate family would ever steal from me. Because if I have the money and they need the money, I would, and they know I would, give it to them with no strings attached.

If you are a thief you are a terrible one! Honestly you took some money but then you paid it back. Forgive yourself and move on and next time you need to borrow money - ask! Honestly let this go!