I’ve done something really awful

[Chelins78]

Hi,

I’m making myself worrying over this….

I support my elderly mother with day to day stuff for including paying bills etc. I have access to her online banking etc

last month I desperately needed £250 but wasn’t getting paid for 2 more days. Out of desperation I paid the £250 from moms account and then paid it back in when my salary arrives 2 days later.

i feel so awful for doing this- like a thief. It’ll never happen again but how do I forgive myself and move on?

If OP has a POA arrangement then it goes against the terms of that and could lead to the POA being revoked.

While talk of it being a crime/theft etc may seem somewhat OTT, all the “forgive yourself, your mum would obviously be ok with lending you the money” is completely unreasonable as well.

What the OP is doing is morally reprehensible. She is abusing the position she has been put in by her mum.

Having financial control of her mum’s affairs doesn’t mean that account has become open to the OP. If the mother wasn’t in a position to agree to her borrowing the money then she doesn’t do it. it doesn’t matter whether her mum would have agreed or not. She wasn’t given the opportunity to.

Don’t do that again. You need to give the responsibility of managing your mother’s finances to someone who isn’t going to see her money as an interest free loan option.

If you do this again and her bank suspects fraud - which this is - and they report it to the police - you will go to prison.

Please don’t do it again. This can become a bit of a slippery slope. I know personally of one family where an adult taking money from a parent’s account is causing an awful lot of family conflict as it is has become known about by other siblings.

Also a case reported yesterday where a grand-daughter took money from her grand-father’s account over a 2 year period. She was found guilty of fraud. The essence of the case was although he was generous and had allowed her to use his card on a couple of occasions, this did not mean he had given blanket permission.

You did take the money without permission. However you returned it promptly.

i would have a conversation with your mum and promise it will never happen again.

If you had asked your mum, would she have lent it to you?

You could have just asked your mum permission to do it? You say you won't do it again but what will change next time? You have done it once and so the evidence suggests you will do it again. I think you need to step down from having access to her bank account - is anyone else able to take it on?

Sorry, but i missed anything suggesting op is vulnerable - in what way is she vulnerable? Her mother is the vulnerable one, not op.

Why didn't you ask your mother in the first place? My mum would have had no issue with this at all (even if I hadn't asked as she knows I'd always pay it back). Anyway, you paid it back so time to move on or just go to confession.

A difference in moral opinion doesn’t make someone a troll.

Having personally witnessed similar in my own family and the actions taken by the bank I know that simply putting back “borrowed” money isn’t enough to stop a bank investigating. So I think you are being a little disingenuous with your interpretation of the law.

OP I suspect that your confession on Mumsnet is not only to resolve your guilt but to try to stop yourself ever doing it again.

If you want never to do it again you need to keep hold of that guilt, it's the only thing that's going to stop you next time you're short of cash.

You're on very dodgy ground. It's common enough for people with dementia to accuse loved ones of stealing from them. If she was to do this and someone investigated before youv'e paid it back you'll be up shit creek without a paddle.

Is there any way you can stop yourself being short of cash in future?

Plus it’s not a pile on to point out the moral and legal implications of a persons actions.

its far more concerning to read so many people viewing taking advantage of an elderly persons trust and finances as no big deal to be honest.

I wouldn't lose sleep over this, but you should make a hard and fast rule not to do it again as you obviously feel very bad about it. Is there some way you can safeguard against the same situation, eg rescheduling bills so that they can be paid when your salary is already in?

But isn't the fact that OP put it right back the minute she had it proof of her good intentions?

If she’d asked her mum but her mum said no and then she did it anyway would that show good intentions?

She should have asked not take advantage of her mum’s vulnerability.

Again, theft is theft. And if it was ok to do it, then everybody, everywhere would be fine with stealing and shoplifting etc the minute they ran low on funds. Now she's done it once and got away with it, what's to stop her doing it again? Elderly DP will never know, why not stick a holiday on her card.

You can say "oh I'm not like that, it was a one-off" and it might be, yeah. Hopefully it is. But if you want to be seen as a trustworthy person and not someone who might burgle their relatives, it's best to avoid nicking from them in the first place. And if you're struggling so much that you have to even consider doing that, then your finances are shot to shit, and that's the real problem here.

If you are caring for your mum and are in the UK, there is a benefit you can claim to cover costs of getting to hers/time it takes etc. This is nothing to do with how much you earn (not means tested). It is called ‘attendance allowance’.
https://www.scope.org.uk/advice-and-support/attendance-allowance?gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20292776156&gbraid=0AAAAADrhH8GDY8XF1Ak4AWM-IDebpk9JF&gclid=CjwKCAiAuIDJBhBoEiwAxhgyFopmd2bmXcwoAQvvXH6rWRNS1bkjVBynQL2nXMx3vkrukckHthzupxoCT2sQAvD_BwE
it may be worth looking into this so you are not in the same position again.

@user51that has been my experience as well with my dsis helping herself to dm money bank and police not interested opg investigation done and closed as dm deemed at the time as having capacity at the time ss not interested despite me saying dm was being coerced manipulated and isolated from the rest of her family we are talking tens of thousands of pounds an equity release on dm property and i presume the will has been changed wont know for sure until dm passes it has totally destroyed our family

op just don’t get used to doing it used to having access to extra money as i think that has happened with dsis she has always been bailed out by dm who used to give her a hard time so when dm got elderly she stopped asking and helped herself so save herself the grief I found out tried to discuss it politely with them that she may get in trouble might be seen as deprivation of assets so dsis blocked me had dm remove me as poa as i refused to do the equity release mortgage and has made it difficult for me to see dm not kept me up to date on her health I only found out she was in a care home as a friend saw her and had to get ss to confirm it was her

You paid it back quickly. Give yourself a bit of grace here, only you know if you are a good or bad person ( and I’m guessing it’s the latter due to you feeling so guilty about this). In the grand scheme of awful things people can do, I’d say this is very very low down the list.

just don’t make a habit of it as that becomes something a bit different.

All the people saying it’s fine you paid it back. Imagine yourselves in hospital or some other vulnerable situation. You’ve given your DD access to your bank account and they took money without your permission and paid it back two days later. If you genuinely wouldn’t be shocked by that breach of trust I am surprised.

I would have no issue whatsoever with my child having a short term loan. I would trust them to repay it as the OP has.

Im surprised you’d not be happy helping your child out for 48 hours, and trusting them enough to know they’d repay you 🤷‍♀️.

@TinyGingerCat I genuinely would not be bothered by this at all

I hope that this has been a wake up call for you OP. It's a terrible breach of trust and can end you in a lot of trouble if it ever happens again.

Learn from this, and never do it again.

Seriously, give yourself a break! You’re overthinking it.