I’ve done something really awful

[Chelins78]

Hi,

I’m making myself worrying over this….

I support my elderly mother with day to day stuff for including paying bills etc. I have access to her online banking etc

last month I desperately needed £250 but wasn’t getting paid for 2 more days. Out of desperation I paid the £250 from moms account and then paid it back in when my salary arrives 2 days later.

i feel so awful for doing this- like a thief. It’ll never happen again but how do I forgive myself and move on?

God, you must be an insufferable, pompous bore.

OP, please don’t worry. You’ve paid it back and it’s really no big deal!

I’m going to hazard a wild guess and say that the OP found herself short of money before payday …

This really.

I’m sure your mum would’ve helped you if you’d asked her. You’ve paid it back, non event. Maybe ask first next time. Forgive yourself x

I've been a carer.
Does mum have capacity?
If so, you could've asked her.
If she doesn't, get help now.
Ask someone else, a family member or someone else to be a 3rd eye.
Cuz life is hard and you may find yourself relying on this, one more time one more time.

presumably it isnt a regular occurrence though, so an unexpected or unplanned expenditure

Maybe next time ask your mum if it’s ok if she has capacity to understand. Taking it without asking isn’t great, but would she have minded borrowing you the money for 2 days? Unlikely. Just avoid doing it again, but don’t beat yourself up about it.

I think it's not a big deal. I'm sure if you had asked her she would have agreed.

Hi, if you’re struggling financially due to having to care for your elderly relative, have you checked whether you are entitled to financial support such asCarer’s Allowance? This is available if you care for someone for at least 35 hours a week and they receive a qualifying disability benefit such as Attendance Allowance or the daily-living component of PIP. The current weekly rate is £83.30. You must also meet an earnings limit, which take-home pay cannot exceed £196 per week.

If you do not qualify for Carer’s Allowance, you may still be eligible for Carer’s Credit. This also protects your National Insurance record.
If you claim Universal Credit, you may be able to add the carer element to your award, provided you care for someone for at least 35 hours a week and they receive a qualifying disability benefit. Other means-tested benefits also include additions for carers, sometimes known as a Carer Premium.

Your local council must offer you a carer’s assessment if you request one. This focuses on your needs as a carer and can lead to support such as respite breaks, practical help in the home, or other services that reduce pressure and cost. This assessment is available even if the person you care for is not receiving council-funded social care.

I doubt that was the purpose of being given access to DMs money.
No wonder your conscience is bothering you.

Don't be daft.

Dows your mum have capacity? Could you have asked her?

But is it taking when she knew she was getting paid for sure and that the money would go right back in? It's not as if she was relying on flogging a job lot of chairs out of the back of a van to pay it back, is it?

This thread is making me wonder about myself, because it really wouldn't have occurred to me that this is such a terrible thing given that the money going right back in within 48 hours was guaranteed. Everyone seems to think that the OP has done something absolutely dreadful. I suppose it's not 100 percent ideal, but neither is going 35 in a 30 zone.

Maybe it doesn't seem very bad to me because I've never managed anyone's money but my own and am not aware of financial rules around that. To be very clear, of COURSE I know that money shouldn't be taken, but it's the fact that OP knew it was guaranteed to be replaced in a matter of hours that makes it seem like such a non-event, and also because it's her mum, not a client or a stranger. There's trust, love, and understanding between family members, and OP knew it was going right back. Since OP is managing things for her mum, I also assumed that her mum might have some confusion and might not understand that she needed a loan for 48 hours.

I opened the thread expecting something truly dreadful and then was confused at such a non-event, and then alarmed at the replies - clearly I have no morals, which is slightly concerning!

Thieving, financial abuse of an old woman...blimey. Seems a bit harsh.

Just ask your mum if you need to borrow money for a couple of days. If she doesn’t have capacity then ask a relative who has responsibility and oversight

i wouldn’t worry about what you’d actually done, I would worry about the temptation to do something worse in the future.
i have 100% control of my Mum’s money, but so does my sister and if either of us wanted to play silly buggers, the other would notice soon enough.
Do you have someone you could confess this to and then give at least view only access to your Mothers account?

🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

You're very hard on yourself. You paid it back. No harm done. I wouldn't think any more of it. My only worry for you would be that the temptation to do it again will arise so prepare for that

No crime was comms because you paid it back and had no intention of keeping it. Stop being so hard on yourself!

My view: my mom and I care for my grandma, fly to visit etc and if I needed money for a legitimate expense (not a want but a need) while visiting her, and didn't have it, I would feel no guilt in asking her to let me borrow the money (depending on the amount) because I spend so much time, effort and money helping her.

Why didn't you tell her beforehand? Does she have limited capacity?

My concern would be, you've got away with it once, and the temptation will be there to do it again.

I thought you killed someone.

You borrowed money. That’s all that happened.

It’s fraud so yes it is a crime. I know this because my own parent did something similar and like others have pointed out it was a slippery slope and happened again and then again until it was picked up by the fraud department of my grandparents bank. They were devastated by the deceit but gracious enough to lie to the bank and say that they had given permission so it wasn’t taken further.

It’s ruined family relationships. So yes OP you shouldn’t be to quick to forgive and forget what you did because there is a good chance you will do it again. The only person who can forgive you is your mum. If you really feel it’s forgivable you will have no issue coming clean.

Edited this to also say that the bank did freeze all my grandparents accounts and they couldn’t access their own money for a while. Complete nightmare.

I used to work in adult safeguarding and although you know you should not have done this it isn’t much on the scale of things as it’s a relatively small amount and you paid it back quickly. I have looked at many bank statements and unfortunately seen thousands going out and not coming back in again. Just obviously you must not do it again and move on from it now. You sound like a good person or you wouldn’t be so worried.

Do you have LPA, OP?

you should get it sorted if not.

You did something awful then paid the money back as soon as you could. Is it possible to ask her if you need that help in the future?

My other question is: Was that a one off problem or does keeping up with your Mum's "life admin" impact your ability to earn what you need?

You borrowed it. For a few days. Would have been better if youd asked your Mum first. But in essence you borrowed it and paid it back. Give yourself a break.

I haven't RTFT - are you getting carers allowance?