I’ve done something really awful

[Chelins78]

Hi,

I’m making myself worrying over this….

I support my elderly mother with day to day stuff for including paying bills etc. I have access to her online banking etc

last month I desperately needed £250 but wasn’t getting paid for 2 more days. Out of desperation I paid the £250 from moms account and then paid it back in when my salary arrives 2 days later.

i feel so awful for doing this- like a thief. It’ll never happen again but how do I forgive myself and move on?

This is what I would do assuming she has capacity to understand - ask her today if you can borrow £250 and you will pay her back on Monday. I am sure she will say yes and that is your way of knowing you asked permission.

If you have a good relationship with your parent(s), I cannot imagine why this would be any sort of issue in the slightest. Even if they cannot make decisions for themselves, surely you're the only person they want their money going towards.

EDIT: Obviously not being able to manage your own money is an entirely different issue. I think the actual problem here is not the guilt at having paid yourself from your mum's account but the fact you essentially stole money to cover up financial mismanagement. If it had been an employer's account, it would be entirely different.

Have you got enough money for Xmas @Chelins78 or shall you be borrowing from your dm's bank account again without permission?

Don't do it again and move on. It's not unforgivable. Personally, if my child needed money desperately, I would have given it to them. If they did what you did, I would forgive them and just tell them to ask next time.

Bloody hell, I swear there are trolls that have nothing better to do than wait around all day watching for new threads only to throw in a vicious first reply just for some sick thrill.

Op, let yourself off the hook. X

I think the real worry is now you've done it and got away with it you'll be tempted to do it again when you are desperate

What can you do to get into a better financial position?

There are some ridiculous comments on this thread. Of course it is not a crime. Of course the bank will not investigate. You did not steal, you borrowed money for a couple of days. Why are you so anxious about it?

Non-event.

But I wouldn't do it again, as the ease of getting the money would make me feel tempted to take my time returning/not return it at all.

Erm care to back that up either actual legal evidence that it’s not a crime and wouldn’t get investigated by a bank? No, didn’t think so.

Why didn't you ask her first?

Please stop worrying. Clearly the guilt you are feeling indicates that your moral compass is working, so chalk it up to experience and forgive yourself x

There are not many things that can surprise me any more on this forum, but I am genuinely absolutely stunned that anyone thinks this is an acceptable thing to do in any way, shape or form. The fact that you put the money back is irrelevant - It's no different to running a payday scam on a trading forum - but much worse because you are stealing from your own mother and abusing the powerful position you have found yourself in when looking after a vulnerable adult.

To answer your question - you do not simply "forgive yourself and move on". You explain what you have done to your mother and the rest of your family, and ask them to forgive you. You also start immediately exploring alternatives to protect your mother's finances so that you do not continue to have unmonitored access to them.

Slippery slope? Red flag?

Oh come on.

Me and my mum do stuff like this all the time and wouldn't even bat an eye lid over it

It's not worth paying a second thought to so go easy on yourself op. It's as close to a non event as it gets

Thus, they check for things like this when going through probate if there is a will too. They checked all my mums accounts and questioned if my sister or brother had withdrew funds, but it was for her shopping etc and had receipts. We all knew and it was above board.
You have to be so careful op. You sound like a good person in a desperate situation but for your sake and your mothers (she needs you) it can't happen again so you need to make alternative arrangements if need cash.

Do you have LPOA or just have access to bank accounts? If its LPOA it could have consequences.

I am sure your mum would have lent you the money so I am presuming she is lacking in capacity. As long as you can see the money has been paid back i'm sure it will be fine. Your mum would not want to see you struggle.

To everyone saying it's fine, if a friend had £250 cash in their house and you desperately needed it, do you think it would be okay to secretly take that cash without asking, as long as you snuck it back a few days later? Its exactly the same thing imo.

BTW the answer is obviously NO. Its stealing, even if you intend to replace it.

It is theft. Anybody could say they had good intentions and will pay it back etc, it's not really relevant. You don't take stuff when you could ask for it instead, and especially not from an elderly person. That's all there is to it. If I found out someone had done this to me for one single day, I would drop them like a stone.

OP- forgive yourself. You put it back.

Oh and for people saying the bank will investigate- what a joke.

I know of TWO different people in my social circle who were victims of this, one friend whose sibling very recently stole thousands of pounds from his father's account when he had LPOA. I am talking over 100k here. She reported it to the police, they didnt want to know and wouldnt do anything, she reported it to the bank, they did nothing.

The second friend was a few years prior and her sister did the same with their mother's LPOA- stole about 5k, she reported it to the police- again, nothing was done by them, they wouldnt get involved. It went to the office of the public guardian, took months and months and again, nothing was done because the sister lied and said the mother told her to take it.

It's actually quite concerning, but the idea that people's money is being guarded that carefully is sadly not true in actual reality.

From google:

• There are widespread concerns from MPs, solicitors, and family members that the OPG (office public guardian) is not adequately performing its oversight duties and that the system is not robust enough to protect vulnerable people.
• Impact of Delays: The delays and difficulties in getting action taken can have devastating consequences. Stories shared in forums and media reports highlight cases where significant funds were misappropriated, but the police and OPG either took a long time to act or closed the case due to difficulty proving intent, leaving victims and their families feeling the system is inadequate.

This...

It's wild people think it's an acceptable thing to do. Would you borrow 250 from works till and then put it back? You'd get the sack!

The wisest going is put it back, forget about if and don't do it again... and you'll be right.

Just don't let it become a pattern as it can get picked up on...

I imagine though you did it for right reasons as struggling and paid it back

Your mum needs you also and you are amazing to look after her, so keep yourself and her safe .

Stories like this are harrowing, I am so glad my sister, brother and I were good and fair with money when my mum died.

Yes. I am 100 per cent sure. I investigate financial crime for a living.

Right? its awful and in many cases, nothing is being done- even the police weren't interested!

Sure you do 🤣

If you conscience is eating at you ( it obviously is ) then fess up to her . You could say you thought you had , but you are doing it now to get it in the open .
If she is cognitively impaired , then yes it is a bit more dodgy you took it in the first place , but make steps for the future to never get yourself in that situation again .

Does DM have her cognitive facilities? If so was there a reason you didnt ask for it?