I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

I'd be wondering why now. I think be prepared that he may have fathered a new child.

@sladtheinkaler - I absolutely understand why you would struggle to talk about this with your brothers or your mum. Can I suggest that you send them an email - your first post on here would be a good basis for a message to them - and say at the end that you don't feel up to talking about it right now, because you'd fall apart if you did, but that you will ring them or message them when you do want to talk.

Your strength is admirable, and I wish there was more I could do to help you deal with this - but I am thinking of you.

Do tell people. It's my biggest regret that I wasn't open with people out of a mix of embarrassment and wanting to ne the bigger person. ExH was financially and emotionally abusive and it was very painful to see family and friends staying friends with him because I'd allowed him to control the narrative. If he does tell your friends and family his story it becomes the truth and any attempt on your part to put your side across later tends not to be accepted to the same degree.

What do you mean by he systematically screwed you over financially?

how do you assume this? lol you do not know the law, it is not always the case

With regards to your DS this is your husbands fall out to deal with.

Let him pick up the mess.

Just wanted to say, his family are not lovely if they are 'rallying round' him declaring that he doesn't like his own children. Wth

I can’t believe his family are supporting him in this behaviour. Please get a shit hot lawyer and take all you are owed.

lovely?????

I totally get and respect that you need to put a lid on this until after your DS's exam on Friday. I would feel exactly the same.

Use this time productively - hard though it will be. Solicitor/Paperwork.

You've had some great advice. I send you love and strength, and karma to the selfish bastard you married.

I think your first step should be to speak to a solicitor about the financials.

You do need to talk to someone though. You can't hold it all in for much longer.

The thing is, no one knows what he’s telling his family. He might be saying all sorts of terrible lies about the op and keeping stumm about his piece on the side and/or how long it’s been going on. I hope she has a gaggle of unruly feral kids that run him ragged once he’s moved in with them.

I’m sorry, that is extremely painful as it is rewriting things and it must be so disorienting to have been in the dark about the affair.

He must have been a convincing actor to pretend to be happy and still having sex with you and playing happy families for 4 years.

See a solicitor urgently. Don’t wait another minute.

So did I read that correctly he said he no longer likes you or your children?
I know many men have affairs but that sounds sick and detached and that’s very unusual behaviour from a father. Most people having affairs say they are only staying in the marriage because of the children? What an awful thing for a parent to say. It’s shocking.

I’m going to say it that I think you are better off without an evil weirdo like that in your life.

Not read the whole thread so may repeat others but, get angry OP and screw this mothertrucker for everything you can possibly get...total piece of shit. Sending you the very best wishes, stay strong x

PENSION

Sadly true, my mother had a 3-year affair then blew us all out after a 24-year marriage. My sister and I were heartbroken for many years & TBH she only reconnected with our mother 2 years before she died.
I perhaps was a bit more forthright with her and called her out on her nasty ways.
To the point where she broke down and admitted she missed our father and had made a mistake!
No shit Sherlock, you jumped in bed with a sexist racist creep, my sister & I often ponder the why's and the where's of this as our father was the most loving gentle man we could imagine. Our only rational idea is it must be the "bad boy" thing? Sorry for the ramble, but this has opened a bit of a wound for me 😳

You sound like you’ll cope with the appalling and selfish behaviour of your husband - I’m afraid in your position I would be telling my teenagers EXACTLY what he’s done and going to do.
I know a lots of MNs would disagree but they are old enough to know how he’s let them and their mum down in the worse possible way.
Good luck and pleased you’re seeking legal advice. I’m sure you’ll get a lot of useful advice here.
You’ve done nothing wrong and you shouldn’t be embarrassed - people will talk so what? Hold your head up high!!

How very painful it must be to discover after all these years that your husband wasn't at all the man you thought. A horrible betrayal. I'm really sorry, @sladtheinkaler 💐

Sending you strength and I recommend the samaritans for the stir crazy moments in the middle of the night. I talk from experience

OP, I am so sorry you are going through this. Please tell your brothers, do it by text and explain that you can’t speak about it just yet. Good luck at the solicitors appt, it’s good that you’re getting advice. DH will regret his decisions in time, and by then you’ll be so much stronger and better off without him.

I actually knew her in an entirely different professional capacity (without being aware of her Chumplady persona) and she is very kind, witty and charming. She makes exellent points on her blog.

Are you in a country where women have rights?

He can't "systematically screw you over financially" if he's found to have been hding assets. Get your hands on every bit of documentation you can.

Ah I feel so sad for you OP. I can only agree with others who are advising seeing a solicitor.

Tell his family, he told you he doesn't like his own children.These sorts of men rely on you keeping quiet and being embarrassed.So tell people it will help you too.Happened to me also but not after 30 years.He wanted me to play along at christmas with his family because he didn't want them to know what was going on.

I’m not one hundred percent convinced he told the op he dislikes his own children and intends to break the relationship as she is saying, I’m not saying she’s lying, but she maybe doing that thing where some women say well if you’re leaving me you’re leaving us, maybe as it’s harder to accept he isn’t leaving the kids, he is leaving the marriage, which although includes the family home, until it’s sold, doesn’t in any way mean he dislikes his own children and is ending the relationship with them.

the reason I think that is as if he did that and said that, why’s he waiting to tell them and going through the charade.

I’ve asked twice but the op hasn’t answered, but it is vitally important, no matter how hard that she doesn’t fall into the trap of saying well he’s leaving the kids and doesn’t like them either, when sadly it’s just her. The kids are I think adults or close to as well.