I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

This. Tell the fucking world what he has done. Shift the blame and shame to him. He owns it.

Get the best lawyer you can, and as the PP says, annihilate him. Do it for your children.

So sorry and best of luck.

OP what an awful you are going through. You don't want to tell people because you are feeling ashamed - don't be! You have done nothing wrong. When and if people ask you questions - if you feel like it - then answer them with the truth. That this man has systematically screwed you over for four years - spent the family savings on his other woman and is in every way nasty and abusive. His past behaviour is and was abusive. You don't need to cover for this sorry specimen.
You need to find your anger and support your children through this. Let him tell them - and whenever you talk to them - always, always always tell them the truth. Even if it is unpleasant - don't soft soap issues.
When I split from my ex-husband, I always told my children the truth about any questions that they asked. It drove him mad - he'd be telling me - don't tell them anything. My response would be I will not lie to my children! Be open and honest with everyone.

I've read and commented on your other thread. He basically stole your joint life savings and gave them to his other woman.

You need to speak to a shit-hot lawyer as soon as possible to see what legal redress you may have and whether the stolen savings can be treated as his share of the marital assets.

Your 'D'H is one of the worst that I've read about on here in terms of long term deceit and financial abuse and you need to find your anger.

People will talk, but none of it is your fault. No one wants to become a statistic in divorce figures, but so many of us do.
Hold your head up, it has just happened and you are not to blame, at all. Not one bit of blame is attached to you.

I haven’t seen your other thread but bloody hell, what a low life. I’m sorry he’s putting you through this.

I’m so sorry OP. It’s awful he didn’t even bother to think of the timing and it was you who had to point out your son’s exams.
I’m so sorry. Hope you get a good lawyer and don’t hold back. Get everything you’re entitled to.

Just sending you love and support 💐🥰

Sorry not rtft but it's really important now to get copies of/ photograph any financial documents he was thinking of disappearing along with himself and keep your own safe. That includes a little search of his packed bags. I would also get in touch with any banks you have joint accounts with to advise them of the situation. You have until Saturday!
What a bastard.

I've posted on your other thread too, I'm sorry to see you posting at an ungodly hour (assuming you are in UK of course) and remember the all night anxiety/panic scrolling I did too. I was with my ex for 30 years too, 2 teenage DC, he tells me weeks before my DC GCSEs he has been sacked from his job for sleeping with young colleagues. It is a high profile workplace with zero tolerance for that crap.

So I know how the bombshell feels. Because he was such a GREAT father he stayed around until after DC exams then told them - of course they had worked it out, I am not that good an actor!

Things I did immediately after:
Gave him nothing - no tears or begging or emotion. As grey rock as I could manage and it freaked him out.
Told everyone and told
them everything. Took back that power.
Changed my will.
Saw a couple of solicitors for half hour advice sessions (free). Made a plan.
Gathered paperwork.
Made the divorce application online myself, it doesn't matter legally but psychologically was about that control again.
Moved what money I could from joint accounts into my name.
Saw a therapist - I really advise this if you can afford it. It saved me.
Kept believing in myself - he was the one that was lying, cheating, humiliated, losing so much. I was still the same person.
Posted on mumsnet!

If you need anything, please message me any time. And you will get incredible support here.

ETA it will be two years next March, and I am happy, content, a bit skint, kids have been great, friends have been wonderful and he looks like shit 😊

First and most importantly, stop feeling humiliated and like you had somehow failed. It was nothing to do with you.. you could have been a goddess and he still would have done it.
Now, it's all about sticking together as a family with your children and supporting each other. Also tell people. Tell people the real story, not the "I met someone else and fell in love. Sad but it happens.." story that he will be telling everyone, and if the children are old enough, tell them too.
It was 4 years of emotional and financial betrayal, not a story of star crossed lovers, and the more you talk about it and see how people react, the less humiliated and diminished you will feel.
Definitely see a lawyer.. and let him know that you have, that you are entitled to half of his assets, and (and this is crucial) half of all the monies that have been spent on his "Other relationship". If they've been in hotel rooms, on holidays, out for dinners, the money he spent was a martial asset you didn't agree to and he owes it to you.
Move fast before the guilt bubble pops.. the difference in the outcome can be huge.
Huge hugs to you, but be strong now and fall apart when you can later on.
There will be waves of love and compassion from people.. don't turn it away. It will all help and you will start to form your new normal.

It totally sucks. I'm a big believer in Karma, and he will ultimately be the loser.

I'd be find it VERY VERY difficult not to 'accidentally' spill fence paint all over his stuff in the garage.

@sladtheinkaler I have been in almost your identical situation , except it was April and my kids were about to sit their GCSEs and A levels. All I could think about was trying to hold everything together so my kids didn’t fail their exams. Like you I told no one .

This is what I wish I had done instead.

I wish I had Put all my feelings of being devastated , blaming myself etc in a little box, just for a few weeks. Stopped crying and got REALLY ANGRY. Then focussed on what would turn out to be important in the long term, which is the fact that my ex screwed us over financially big time. This will affect me and my kids for the rest of our lives.

I wish I had Accepted that the man I loved and trusted for decades was gone, or that he never existed. Like these poor women who were married to / had kids with undercover cops - it was all a lie . This was the hardest thing for me to come to terms with .

I wish I had Stopped caring about the affair, looking for evidence etc . In the long term it doesn’t matter. No one cares except you, it doesn’t matter in the divorce and you will find out that others you loved ( such as his family ) knew and condoned it .

I wish I had gone through ALL his paperwork and photographed / scanned everything BEFORE HE MOVED OUT . CHECK THE THINGS IN THE GARAGE . This takes hours. Don’t worry if you don’t understand it. You are looking for info on shared and individual assets NOT for info on his affairs. That doesn’t matter.

If you need to take a few days off work ( compassionate leave or sick leave ) then do it. This is TIME CRITICAL

Hacked into his bank accounts or anything else I could find online and copied it .

( Don’t tell your lawyers or anyone else that you’ve done this - if they ask, say that the paperwork was lying about in your house / other shared spaces . )

Asked around for the best and nastiest divorce lawyer in the area and hired them.

Forgotten all my noble ideas of being reasonable And taking the moral high ground and all that shit.

Stopped expecting any support ffrom my in-laws / his family for me or my kids. My kids never heard from any of them again - that’s been tough.

My ex is the twin of your husband @sladtheinkaler and he will be a nightmare to divorce . You need an excellent hard nosed lawyer and you need them NOW. Like this week. Hire them before he does.

I wasted a lot of time in the early days being devastated and he managed to screw me over even more because he hid all his / our assets.

He only saw the kids for a few months after he moved out. He stopped paying child maintenance within 6 months he quit his job and became “ self employed “ doing the identical job. He claimed to earn £9K a year while his company makes over £350k / year. This is all legal. He owes £7 / week now but he’s in arrears .

If your STBX is self employed or has his own company, forget ever getting any child maintenance out of him.

Also assume that he will stop seeing his kids soon. My EX sees the kids about once a year now . They don’t want to see him at all but they feel guilty if they don’t see him at Christmas .

Im telling you all this because I made so many concessions in the first months to
“ keep things amicable “ so he would still have a relationship with his children. It was all a waste of time . If he was a good father, he would still see and pay for his kids whatever I did.

If he’s a bad father , he will not see them or pay for the, even if I had given him everything .

In the medium and longer term, you need to go for counselling / therapy etc to work through all the pain. But you need to get the paperwork before he moves out and hire a bastard lawyer ( and forensic accountant ) before he does.

You are entitled to at least half, especially if you have put the brakes on your career to bring up the kids, do the lions share at home etc. Don’t let him get away with this - you can cry about it later, get yourself to a solicitor asap.

Op, I'm so sorry. No one will judge you for this. They will judge your husband. Tell your brothers, tell some friends, get that support you need.

What a horrible man. I hope he gets his comeuppance

I agree with all of this. You need to find out as much financial information as possible before he moves out. It’s worth taking a day off work to do some snooping.

This is just horrible OP. I am so sorry, what a rat.
I totally understand you wanting to protect your son, but you must seek help for you. Please confide in your work friends, your brother and any other friends you have. You are more important than anything they may have on right now.

Could you tell work you have some personal issues going on? They don't need to know the details but it will give you a little bit of breathing space if needed. And as above-they will not be judging you but him. An absolute arse.

What an absolute bastard! Wanting to split up is one thing, and it can be just part of f life - but he's waited four years to tell you and then chosen to do it in the middle of your 17 year old's important exams, and he's screwed you and his children financially. What a piece of shit he is.

Sending strength and justified anger - I hope you can move to the furious phase to help you power through. In the end you'll be better off without a lying cheater who doesn't care much about his children, but it's very hard to be betrayed like that.

This happened to my cousin (now sadly deceased) about 20 years ago. He fucked off to be with another woman the other side of the city and she stayed in the family home (it was her house originally). Her DCs didn’t really have anything to do with him after that and stayed living with her.
She didn’t have much family, an only child of deceased parents so very hard. Take solace with your brothers and mum for now - it doesn’t matter if you cry,
You are def entitled to half the house, instruct a good solicitor as well.
I was so surprised they had split as her DH had been very kind to me over the years, he didn’t seem ‘the type’, but you never know.

Just another thing to consider. Be ready for him to come crawling back when the shine wears off the affair and OW kicks him out (almost inevitable). I've seen so many cases where the CF expect you to be their plan B after everything they've done and even get quite nasty when you tell them that's not happening. Get legal advice and let him lie in the bed that he's making for himself.

I agree with @N0Tfunny @sladtheinkaler use this time to get as much paperwork and account details as possible. I did go through all paperwork and hacked my ex’s accounts and it very much paid off in our financial settlement. However, I did tell my lawyers who just advised me not to look at any privileged communication and not to rehack his emails once he changed his passwords (it took him over 12 months to do so). I would also check his car out while going through his stuff, I found some interesting paperwork in there and stuff in the car’s data.

It's very early days for you and it's going to take a while to deal with the shock and begin to accept what is happening.
But you will get yourself together and when you do make sure you rinse the living daylights out of this piece of shit.
It might be that your best strategy is to pretend that you are still a dysfunctional mess but privately you'll be razor sharp and make sure you get the best outcome for yourself and your children.

I'm so sorry this is happening. You have lots of good advice here re lawyer, getting financial info, therapist, can I add - have you agreed a narrative on what/how you are going to tell the children? Might be worth you thinking about what you want to say to them.

Take care, I would also encourage you to tell someone in real life to support you xx

Another person with a similar story. My ExH left me for his receptionist. I had to share the house with him for 4 weeks before telling DD, while he went out and dated, it was the worst time of my life. In the end moved out with DD, against legal advice but I felt that my mental health was at serous risk. while leaving did prolong the overall battle, leaving gave me breathing space and I was able to recover almost immediately! Having space from it does enable you to assess and move on. I was similar to you in that I was really embarrassed and felt it was a reflection on me, me not being able to 'keep' my man and i must be doing something wrong. But in time I realised that this was all him. He had a million choices and instead of talking to me, agreeing to leave amicably, working on our marriage etc, he decided to have an affair for a year and then leave. All of that was him and most people know that. Like you, his family supported him, but really thats the way it should be, families should support each other however harsh that feels. Get legal advice, get support either friends or a counsellor (i got a counsellor), and little by little claim your life back. You will get there. 5 years on I am engaged and I am happier than I was in my marriage. You will be OK. Dont play the pick me game and try to not be bitter. I spent about a year and a half waiting for Karma, watching his facebook etc because i wanted him unhappy - but all I was doing was making myself unhappy. Try not to obsess over him and instead obsess on you, your children and your own happiness. Much love to you xxx

You have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. Hold your head up high.
Your in shock now, but in time when things have calmed down and you feel more comfortable in a different routine there are endless possibilities for you.
I have seen same scenario play out, husband thinks grass is greener whilst affair all secretive and exciting. The excitement soon wears off when there's bills to pay and blended families to deal with. Just think of all your husband's worst habits and think she's stuck with all that now. Let her have the two timing cheater, who will more likely ruin her emotionally and financially.
Get legal advice and work on yourself until you hardly recognise the strong independent woman you've become.
I know so many women who have turned their whole lives around after situation like this and never looked back.
Good luck.
l recommend Getting past your break up by Susan J Elliott, a really honest and helpful book from Amazon.