I'm avoiding telling everyone because it's all so horrible.

[sladtheinkaler]

I've posted elsewhere. I'm having a horrible time.

10 days ago my lovely husband, who I have been with for 30 years, told me that he's been having an affair for 4 years. Not only that, but he has carefully and systematically screwed me over financially. I'm stuffed. He is leaving me to be with her. He doesn't like me, and he doesn't like our children or our family.

My 17 yr old son is right in the middle of some very important exams, so I asked DH to just wait until Friday to tell the kids. We have three, and they're all teenagers. He agreed, and we've been pretending things are normal since he told me. He goes to see this woman and then comes home for dinner and eats the meal I cooked for the family. He is packing his clothes and stuff in secret and stashing stuff in the garage, ready to move out on Saturday.

I am hanging by a thread. I haven't really told anyone. How can I? If I admitted it, I'd dissolve into sobbing and never stop. I am crying in secret in the shower and in the car. I am thinking about what needs to happen for the children, and financially etc. I get on well with my collegues and they have clocked that I'm a bit down, but I can't bring myself to tell them. It's so humiliating. He has acted with breathtaking deceit and cruelty, and I had no idea. I thought we were happy. I loved and trusted him.

He has told his family, who are lovely. They are rallying round and supporting him. Long phonecalls. They have not reached out to me. I've known them since I was 17. I'm so envious of their support. They're great people. They're also very wealthy and will support him.

I haven't told my own family. My mother is away on a trip. She lives in another country anyway. I probably ought to tell one of my brothers - but how? I'll just be a sobbing mess on the phone and then what? Then it will still all be true and one more person will know. For what?

I have told a friend who is lovely. She is supportive.

I think I need a bit more support, but I also know that even if I told people there is no support for this. I just have to put on a brave face and be a rock for the kids.

I can't believe he's done this.

Who do I tell? How?

Tell your family then get legal advice, then tell everyone else.

Oh crap. He’s leaving the family. Of course he is. For a shag.

Stop dressing it up as anything else.

If he prioritised his kids, he would not be shagging another woman and spending money on her and family time with her.

Nor would he seek to cause distress to them in this way. You think they can insulated from his awful behaviour? Bonkers.

Yeah this. Make sure you get everything you are entitled to @sladtheinkaler

I am so sorry, your post made me sad. My heart feels sad reading your melancoly and devastating words....😢 You sound crestfallen and shocked to the core. I don't know what to say, what a dreadful way to treat the woman you have been with for 30 years, and knowing it will affect the children too. I hope your children never speak to him again. What a bastard!

Sending loving thoughts to you. You're going to need to be really strong. I'm so sorry. ❤

.

You need to forget the emotions and start thinking about the money instead. It's not uncaring, it's practical: you need money to live!

Are you married? Is the house in your name? Assets??

You need to think like a man

Hope your doing ok today!
Im in a similar situation although was pregnant with our second when our marriage ended and I found out about emotional affair.
He has continued to come to our house to see kids, although this is very short term. It is not ideal but I try to use the time he is here to organise things/make life easier for me when im alone with the kids.
My anger comes and goes, and I expected it to be much more at the forefront, but I expect like others have said, when him coming and going is no longer as easy or on his terms and I start to have stronger boundaries he may become more difficult, and I, more angry

Do try to tell someone in your life. It helps to not keep up the pretense around everyone. I was/am embarrassed when I tell people but I remind myself its not my shame, and I can come out of this as being seen as stronger, he cant/wont.

Its shit, and im told it gets better, so hang on in there.

I went through something very similar, my DH left me out of the blue after 27 years in August 2023 for a much younger woman, same old sad story. . It's awful the early stages no point in pretending otherwise. Bit the thing is I get telling people makes it real, and sometimes even after 2 years it still doesn't feel it but I would never have got through those months without my good friends. Then I had therapy. None of my 3 adult sins talk to him now, not because he left hut his behaviour since including all the lies he told about me and trying to destroy me emotionally.
Sounds cheesy but take a day at a time.

That's what with my Father.

Absolutely destroyed my mothers life by admitting to a 18 month affair with a much younger woman after 26 years married that half their friends knew about.

He then was astonished and devasted himself when my brother and I didn't want anything to do with him. He genuinely thought he could have it all.

I'm thinking the OP's children, if teenagers, will be disgusted with their father and will fully support their mum, which will be of some comfort.

@sladtheinkaler it was mentioned upthread that you have another post on a different board about him emptying your joint savings account to find the OW. I don't have premium so can't search your username and see the thread.
If it can be linked here I can post on it as I had a similar issue during the 18 months preceding my D Day and my SHL (shit hot lawyer ; specialises only in divorce and based in Maidstone if you need a recommend) put the total we assessed down in the financial settlement.
He refused to do a Form E of financial declaration (and as I ran all our finances and main income , this was to get sight of his personal bank accounts during the affair for his self employed work that he kept claiming wasn't 'making money'). I did have some written proof as I'd photographed his manual records so we (SHL and myself) made an assessment and put it in.

He didn't want the bank statements to be revealed as they showed all the hotels and fancy meals etc . Totalled around 30k.

SHL said he either do Form E, agree the sum ( which wasn't inflated but accurate) or we'd go to court.

Emotionally I was crushed and blindsided (37yrs together) at the time but I found my anger and I fought hard.

I'm nearly 4 years on now and life is so much clearer.
Chumplady and reading on here, therapy and finding myself, sharing with family and good friends all pulled me through.
I had the same feelings of 'shame' and hiding in the initial 48 hours but nobody shamed me at all.

You've got this x

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5437266-is-being-thirsty-a-shock-response

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/thirty_days_only/5439537-telling-the-children-about-separation

That's OP's other threads

I’m sorry but no. Plenty of marriages end and the relationship with the children continues, be it the husband or wife who ends it, it is not the case if you leave your spouse you end your relationship with your children. They are still a family.

You can support your mother without breaking it off with the father. And no one should be encouraging that. Children no matter how old are important and the relationship between child and parent is always important, I’ve seen too many marriages end where parents try to weaponise their kids to take sides, it’s never ok. As much as I feel this man behaved terribly none of us know the state of this marriage or the family home.

Okay, well obviously don't need to tell the relatives anything that he hasn't said.However after your son's exam tell people what's happening , tell a friend before.You don't need to keep quiet.Don't feel embarrassed you haven't done anything wrong.He is behaving in an underhand way not you.Get as much help as you can.Don't cover for him, that's my message really sorry if it was a bit strong.Yes get the money sorted as well you can keep working out the emorional fall out later.

It looks like you have had some great advice on this thread OP - I just want to say that this is that you should not worry about telling people, this is a reflection on his character, not yours.

equally I totally appreciate why you might want to keep things quiet, especially work wise. It can be easier to “carry on as normal” whilst it’s raw and you find your strength rather than dealing with other people’s sympathy/support.

sending love and strength - you will come out of the other end with the upperhand, just be patient x

Even the postman got an ear-bashing! 🤣🤣🤣 Love that!

Your husband is a vile piece of shit and his family aren’t ‘lovely’ if they haven’t contacted you to see if you or your children - also THEIR family - need any support

I chose who I shared this with really carefully. I was completely protective of my kids. I told a couple of friends by text gradually. A few I should have told quicker because they were amazing and still are! I did learn who I could trust or not. You will get through it. Just take a day at a time. It took me a while to be angry. But I’m so much better off now in a relationship that is 100 times better. Also therapy helped me to offload and not bore my friends.

@Frenchfrychiche isn’t a good father if he has taken money from his family/children for the OW. He is a piece of shit as a husband and a father

Okay, this thread is a little overwhelming at this point. Thank you so much for every single kind and supportive message. It is helpful to be so categorically told that (a) he's a shit, and (b) I need to get organised.

I will know more after my lawyer appointment. Thank you to those who have talked about getting the right lawyer - I did speak to a 'free 30 minutes of advice' lawyer and the whole conversation was rather deflating. She advised me to sit quiet and hope he keeps paying the rent because he's feeling guilty, and best not to antagonise him. Perhaps she's right - or perhaps she's not the right sort of lawyer for me. I will see how this next one is. If she's not right either I have a recommendation from a friend.

I have decided I will tell my close colleagues. They already know that something is up and are looking out for me. Unfortunately, I'm a teacher so can't get any time away from the classroom - I'm fitting this in around being lovely jolly Mrs. Slad from 9 - 3 :/

For the poster who is determined that my husband didnt say that he doesn't like the children - he did say that. I think you're right though, I think he probably does like them really. How could he not? They're fucking amazing. He said it in our first devastating conversation where he was telling me how hard he was finding family life, but still looking me in the eye and telling me there wasn't anyone else. He has a narrative where he has been a bit 'left out' and that the kids spend more time with me. Probably true - but then I haven't spent most of the last 4 years sneaking round lying to everyone I love and then being a bit of a grumpy bastard when I'm at home. He said, "I'm not sure I like you, and I'm not sure I like the children either, which is a horrible thing to say but I just wish I had a quieter family home" and then about 10 minutes later he said he had been having an affair for years and that he's protected himself financially and screwed us over. Hope that helps.

I just don’t think children should be brought into a marital split if possible and I have no idea if he is a good or bad parent, as I’ve no idea if the op is. Onky the children can comment on that.

Found out today my DP's boss is in this situation (left his wife and kids for the other woman).
I know it doesn't help you OP but you would draw strength from the level of vittrol and ridicule his team feel towards him right now.
I think it might be job ending for him, trust me nobody wants to work for him and everyone has taken a very dim view.
Marriage's break up and everyone has a right to be happy but it is the dishonesty and duplicity of the affair which has struck a chord with everyone. Trust me he is a laughing stock and seen as an absolute fool.
Hang on in there OP everyone will be in your corner and you need to come out fighting x

about 10 minutes later he said he had been having an affair for years and that he's protected himself financially and screwed us over.

He wants you to believe he is powerful and can do this. Don't believe him, get legal advice.

Didn't want to read and run so thought I would add my story.
Last year my husband up and left me and 4 children for a 20 year old girl (hes in his 40s) our eldest daughter is the same age! He had ran up debts in my name for around 10,000 and ran off with her leaving us deverstated and absolutely destitute. Ive since got a job and things are back headed in the right direction but it has been a very hard year.
These men are pigs and ruthless.
I lost 4 stone in 6 weeks and only survived by getting sleeping tablets from the doctor (and then online) for the first couple of months. Without sleep everything is a lot harder so think about that if you start struggling.
It was actually my older children that kept me going, we supported each other and you may be surprised at home much it being out in the open will help. Kids are resilient and you will all come out this strong, but it will take time. Until then look after each other and be kind to yourselves. You will survive! (Oh and chump lady is amazing!)

1. Anything he’s done to try an ‘protect himself’ financially while married to you and without consulting with you is probably illegal. And a good solicitor will eventually unravel it. Eg I know someone who forged his wife’s signature to sign the house over to his company, liquidated it, and then divorced her three weeks later. He was forced to hand over the entire company (including profits and assets) to his wife as well as 50% of his pensions & now he’s also is facing charges for fraud. So please don’t worry about that.
2. Any debts taken in your name without your signature is fraud. You can go after him legally & if all else fails slap a CCJ on him and ruin his career.
3. Keep all the evidence about him having the affair for 4 years. Screenshot messages etc.
4. Begin to understand where you stand financially.
5. Tell your children the truth when the time comes. Don’t sugarcoat any of it. They absolutely must know that their dad cannot be trusted to have their best financial interests at heart.

It will be up to OP's children whether they still want a relationship with him after what he's done. OP has said in one of her other threads that in addition to the betrayal of a four year affair that:

'He has also given her the family savings and run up a lot of debt in both our names providing for her.'

That's a lot for his kids to forgive.

I agree with this good advice.