We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

When I die, I won’t have a funeral. I will have a direct cremation and no ceremony of any kind. This is my choice and I expect my wishes to be respected.
I really don’t like going to funerals but if someone I know died, I would absolutely attend because it isn’t about me, it is about them. Sometimes in life we have to put others first. You think you have done this by helping FiL and seeing him while he was alive, but presumably he wanted a funeral so the least you could do is attend that and show your respects and support your MIL. What would have happened if everyone had said, ‘nah I don’t like funerals, I’m not going’?

I find your actions really self-centred.

If you dont feel they are gone, then why did you say goodbyes at all?

I can get on board with the idea that you have different views, but when you are invited to an event you are not being told or expected to change your beliefs.
Rather invited to spend time with a group of people with shared experience of the same person.

Would you also not go to a wedding or birthday celebration if the ceremony doesn't align completely with your beliefs?

Your need for drama does not outweigh the need for social norms at a time when a family is struggling. Just go to the f@cking funeral, it’s not about you.. why upset people who are upset already. You don’t have to “believe in it” you just have to be there.

I think you can't divorce acts and symbols from their wider cultural context and meanings.

White and black are both perfectly normal clothing colour choices, but wearing either to a wedding will be seen by some people as making a statement.

A heart with an arrow through it out of context is a violent image, but culturally it is seen as an expression of love. To understand why you need to go back to Greek mythology but in the UK we understand the love meaning instantly without thinking about it.

Culturally going to funerals is seen as an act of respect for the deceased and love and support for their loved ones. Going is a cultural expectation, especially for an adult child of the deceased.

Funerals may mean something different to you but you can't separate that from culture and emotions at a time like this. The visceral reaction for most people on learning that you both didn't attend the funeral is that you were saying a massive Fuck You to both your late father in law and your greaving mother in law.

So would you stop people who know you having any type of gathering to remember you?

I will clarify again the funeral issue is just a small part of the belief system . We also don’t do things like go to a place of worship as feel that is also performative there are many aspects of what we do and what we believe it’s not just a ‘no funerals’ thing

Sorry for the loss of your FiL.

I'm surprised at the strength of feeling on here. I think your decision sounds quite reasonable, I assume you would have discussed this with your mil beforehand so it wasn't a huge shock or you weren't just no shows when you were expected. I don't think you will get people to understand easily and it will probably only be accepted over time as it begins apparent this is something you live by.

For a non immediate relative I can get your logic. But in this case surely going should have been about supporting his Mother even if no thought at all given to the deceased during the day!

I don't think what op said to her sil was wrong. She can't have been that bothered about her dad if she never cared to support him and her mum when he was dying.
As for showing respect. Who is seeing that exactly? Just the people who haven't been near until the funeral.
We're both having a direct cremation.

Weddings and funerals are meant to bring people together.

It's about supporting each other at the funeral. Your MIL is being very polite, who wouldn't want their son to be at his father's funeral with her.

Is your DH really happy to have missed it out of principle when he could have been there supporting his DM and siblings?

He could have done that and gone to stay.

I think the reason you’re struggling to get people to understand is your beliefs make no sense.

I’m a firm believer of funerals are for the living because the deceased person isn’t there. I go to funerals for anyone I know to show their nearest and dearest how loved the person was in life and to hopefully give them comfort at a tough time, even if I hadn’t spoken to them for years.

But you think the deceased person is still around, so why wouldn’t you go to an event to memorialise them, don’t you think they’d have liked to see you there? Your logic says as you can’t spend time with them at their funeral, even though they’re there, you won’t go - which again comes back to being selfish and that you only see support being useful if you can interact with the person who’s died. If I was dead and looking at my funeral, I’d like to see my whole family together supporting each other, not falling out or feeling hurt or upset because some people were refusing to attend.

I would lose all respect for someone who did not attend their loved one's funeral, most especially a parent. Talk about making it all about you and your naval gazing nonsense.

Yes you did lots for FIL when he was alive. His funeral was the final step of his journey on earth and it is quite appalling that you turned the attention to you and your DH by not being there. It's not a case of either being there before OR after death, for a loved parent you do both.

If I was your SIL I would find this hard to forgive. If you had a decent reason (such as an abusive relationship with FIL) that would be different however some nonsensical 'belief' is just bullshit.

Funerals are for the living. They are to allow the people closest to the deceased to be surrounded by others who also loved them, for sharing stories and fond memories and holding each other up through the final farewell to the body of the person who has died. They're for celebrating their lives, playing their favourite songs, and raising a glass in their honour. Obviously it's important to do all you can for them while they're alive, but why does it have to be an either/or thing? My parents' funerals were incredibly difficult but I remember them so fondly - meeting their friends, hearing about things they'd done that I didn't know about. I would have regretted it for the rest of my life if I hadn't been there.

I agree with you, however, if it upset your mother in law, not to have the people who have been supporting her through it all, at a stressful event like a funeral, I think I would have attended. The other people's opinions are irrelevant.

Are you guys scientologists? Or an offshoot from this?

They won't care and honestly i don't blame them.

Sadly I suspect the window of opportunity to explain has closed and the ship has sailed. I hope for your DH’s sake he can repair his relationship with your SIL and that his mother forgives him for not supporting her at the funeral but you may find the damage is irreparable. I would find it very hard to forgive my sibling for missing our dad’s funeral and wouldn’t truck with their excuses afterwards.

I also think you personally should step back and let him handle it.

You have the right to your belief system but others will judge you for it. You talk about the funeral like it was a party - people will talk about the atmosphere and the food because they want to feel the deceased person was respected in death - the idea of a good or fitting send off. I couldn’t imagine a time when I wouldn’t go to my dad’s funeral even though we have a somewhat distant relationship now.

You made the choice not to go, you can’t really be surprised that others would judge you for it.

I can’t begin to imagine the pain of a woman going to her husband’s funeral without having her living son by her side. For that reason aside from anything else, you are unreasonable and selfish.

This post hits the nail on the head. Your ‘belief system’ is profoundly strange and selfish, sorry.

I totally agree with you.

We did everything for my BIL while he was dying in a care home but do not agree with funerals so left it up to his pre-paid plan to arrange it.

I think that the care home thought we were heartless.

You are performing. You are performing support and respect for the people having the rite of passage. It sounds like you just find these events boring and so you and your husband don't bother show up. There is no real belief system behind it. Just two people in their own little bubble.

I have to ask, are either of you diagnosed with something like a mental illness or neurodiversity?

Is it just funerals you don’t agree with OP? What about weddings? Birthday parties? Christmas dos.

Go on, tell us another weird thing in the wider belief system, I’m fascinated.

He didn’t want to he has always said that funerals are like the impact of death again so soon after the actual death and that it’s a shock and trauma you don’t need to go through twice. That after someone passes you need time to process and think and sit with that grief in private not to have to turn up a week or so later and go through it again with the expectation of a final goodbye and that’s it. He has almost daily since FIL passed looked at photos , shared memories , some days cried and cried others remembered funny things and doesn’t feel the need for a final goodbye ever.

I couldn't agree with you more OP. Everyone has a different way of saying goodbye. You have honoured your family by being there at every stage and supporting them. Other people now just want to turn up for snacks and performative sadness. Where were they when the difficult jobs needed doing? You have my sympathies.