We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

Yes I think it’s very disrespectful not to attend. I think funerals should be about the personal beliefs of the deceased person, not guests. So if he wanted guests to wear something blue as a Chelsea fan, then do it, if he wanted Morning Has Broken, then sing it, if he wanted everyone to turn up, have a quick pint and a sausage roll then do it.

YOU don’t have to have a funeral when the time comes, but he did, so you fall in line.

I can see why the family think it’s odd. I would just assume you never liked him, which seems odd given how caring you were for him.

Out of curiosity, what is the belief? What do you not believe in about a funeral?

Funerals are to show your respect to the family. You chose not to, because you don't believe in showing respect to the family.

Which is why you're labelled disrespectful.

My mum's friend died recently. She chose a direct cremation; no funeral, no fuss, nothing except a time when family knew the body was being cremated. My mum, never one for fuss, was so impressed with this that she's announced that she would also like a direct cremation. If we want to do something to celebrate her that's up to us but there's not going to be a funeral. That's her wish so that's what we'll do.

We both have ND

Honestly, rather than tying yourself in knots attempting to justify what everyone in the world sees as a massive "up yours", if you value societal relationships you should probably brush up on social norms.

The irony that your self-directed “belief system” is akin to the systems of mourning that you sneer at. Also you don’t appear to have replied to any of the posters who have pointed out how cruel you’ve been to your SIL. You sound utterly pretentious.

I don't know if it has been asked but what if your husband died and your children were grieving and they didn't want to draw a line under it ? How would you deal with it.

I’ve explained in previous responses

I think it’s odd to call not going to funerals a belief system. You know that you can love and support people in their lifetime AND go to their funeral. It’s not some kind of trade off. You can also continue to remember them after the funeral date. All the things you say are preferable to a funeral you can just do both!

You are entitled not to want a funeral yourselves but I do think it is wrong not to go to your own parents funeral. You do it out of respect for them and what they and the wider family want and as part fo living and caring for them and it in no way precludes you helping them in life and remembering them on a day to day basis.

I love this approach.

So really it is because he is too weak to deal with the harsh reality of death. Yes it is fucking awful. Running away from it and not supporting family isn't the solution though.

Or maybe, just maybe, you could be far more compromising about your beliefs? Maybe you haven’t got them quite right yet.

Wow, that drip feed makes it even worse! He acknowledged how awful funerals can be in terms of going through the death again but was happy to let his mum experience that without his support?

This is weird your family still needs you, it’s not about the funeral and concept, a mother needed her son, selfish and disrespectful really. It may not be for you but it’s for others. Absolutely weird if you ask me.

They are all very young they don’t even know what funerals are they only know the way we deal with things so they would be upset and we would just help them to process that in a gentle way

When my father died, I was on my own emotionally as I was an only child and had to carry everything, I was so grateful for all his ex colleagues, POW comrades etc who turned up at the funeral in wheel chairs, on crutches, and indeed one person who was on end of life care. They made me feel that his life was worth something as they bore witness. I spoke to each of them at the end of the service and we all met for a lovely afternoon tea with some mourners not having seen each other in 50 years. I still look back with affection and know my dad would have been so humbled to see that.

I think your actions are also self centred though.

Your funeral isn’t about you. It’s about people who want to remember you, and maybe ritualisically say goodbye to you.

Part of my family has decided they all want direct cremations and the people they’re leaving behind are really struggling because the close family live far apart and haven't had a reason to get together and grieve together and support each other. The dead people have no idea whether they’ve had a funeral or not, but I think the families would have done better had they got together for sense of communal grieving and closure.

My Will says my funeral should be as my closest loved ones want, and the funds should be taken from my estate, whether that’s direct burial with no ceremony or whether it’s a lavish celebration of my life, because all I want is for them to do whatever feels best for them and not be hamstrung by some weird selfish decision I made because maybe I don’t like going to funerals.

Yes but he gave her support before and after and she had her other children there at the time of the funeral . We have to break the cycle at some point and it’s very important to us

Op I think the use of "belief" and "belief system" confuses people thinking it's some unusual religious thing. Afaik there is no religion not having any funeral so it may be confusing people around sounding like some cult. If you are using this with family that's why they may have their backs up as well. Just say "in our opinion" for clarity or "we do it this way, everyone griefs differently"

You are going to get very few responses agreeing with you OP, but I totally get it. You have done all the important things, just not the funeral. My DM hates funerals. Like you, she would do anything in her power for the person/family when they are still alive, but she just can't bring herself to attend funerals. She has been judged by wider family for it (it's always the aunties and uncles, who did the bare minimum in life). When my DF died she asked my DB and me whether we wanted a funeral, but we were happy to go with a memorial tree planting instead. I'm fine with funerals and often go as our family's representative. If your MIL was fine with it, I don't see why anyone else should complain.

Every culture for all of time have had death rituals. It's such a fundamental part of being human and living in society. Yes, they can be very hard but there is comfort and solace in coming together and facing the reality of loss and grief with others. Sharing food afterwards is part of that; not some disgusting expression of greed or lack of care like the OP seems to imply! It's a way to create bonds and help people through the process of bereavement. To decide you 'don't believe in them' is pretty shocking honestly.

ND explains a lot.

He has always supported his family for years and years and years. I judge him by that not the 3/4 hours of the funeral and wake

Totally agree with this.

Funerals are just a money making scam and cause more trauma.

If you want to attend a funeral, then fine, do it but let others have a choice.