We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I think you should reflect that your decision has caused hurt and harm to others.
You have followed a made up rule that goes against the societal norm and is upsetting for others who cannot possibly understand.
No-one would have criticised you for going to the funeral.
Literally no-one would have said "the hummingbirds shouldn't be here because they don't believe in funerals"

Sometimes we do things we don't like or agree with because it's important to others. Perhaps you should reflect on that.
For example we had our children baptised because it mattered to the GPs. DH and I are atheists (as are the now adult DC). No harm was done and the grandparents were happy.

Well that’s silly. I also think ironing is pointless so I simply don’t do it.

FIL wanted direct cremation and no ceremony or wake or other acknowledgement. The family were devastated, they needed some sort of closure and felt left in limbo; the grandchildren he was close to in particular.

Direct cremation isn't always a kind option. For those left behind.

You're entitled not to attend the funeral, of course you are.

You are not entitled to control others' opinions or feelings about it, however much you explain them. If you didn't know before that it would cause such bad feeling within the family, you do now, and you will make your choices about it going forward in the full knowledge that it is likely to cause a rift.

Whether the point of principle is worth that is up to you.

It sounds like you don't like many of your DH's family much anyway, so presumably them thinking badly of you is no great loss.

If you do love at least some of them, I think this falls under the category of, 'I don't understand why it's important to you that I attend (or I do but don't think it's a compelling reason itself) but I will attend in future simply because I know that it is important to you, it costs me little, and I love you."

Inspiring! I might just try not ironing the school shirts.. dare I....

We don’t go to a place of worship to worship was what I explained earlier . Not that I’d never ever go to any type of religious building.

Utmost respect from me to you and your DH. You did the heavy lifting when it mattered. I hope the deceased appreciated it at the time. Hold on to your personal faith/belief and don’t let others dissuade you. NOBODY, either on here or anywhere else has any business judging you on this.

So, given that you said earlier that your DH had experienced a lot of previous family deaths, he presumably attended none of those funerals either — so why does it surprise anyone in the family that he didn’t attend his father’s? Did they think he was going to make an exception for a parent?

I've only read the first 3 posts....

I've always been brought up to believe that attending a funeral is a personal choice not a necessity.

Respect is paid in life. It's a bit late in death.

I often won't attend funerals.

I’m with you. Funerals are for the living, not the dead. You grieve in the way that fits you best. Funerals are like “forced mourning”, with all the stories and sad songs trying to get you to cry.

People who flock to funerals when they never even bothered with the person are just odd tbh.

OP - all your DH (and you) do is just reiterate that the most important thing is that FIL knew that you loved and respected him, and that MIL knows that you continue to love and respect her, that you are grateful for the time you had with FIL, including the chance to say goodbye in person, and that you are grateful for the time you still have with, and to care for, MIL. That's it. Don't get drawn in any further.

Exactly

But they are at perfect liberty to overrule the dead person’s wishes, if they feel that strongly — they could hold a huge, elaborate memorial service after the cremation. OK, the dead man might have hated it, but (1) he’s not in a position to do anything about it and (2) it’s not for his benefit.

But why does it have to be one or the other? Why is the everyday care dressed up as your 'beliefs'? Most people do the care and go to the funeral. I don’t see why one extra day for the funeral would make that much difference to you - you’re just doing it out of some strange principle, or just avoiding it because funerals are difficult. You must know that others won’t understand but you go ahead anyway so I have no sympathy with you.

Yes exactly. I don’t understand the OPs or her DHs reasoning. In this case there was a funeral, OPs FIL seems to have expected that he would have one, OPs MIL and SIL arranged it and went. All I can glean from the OPs posts is that they think funerals are only about the dead and are the final goodbye/draw a line on grieving which isn’t very logical. Attending a funeral isn’t really about you and your beliefs or opinions it’s about marking the life of the person who has died and supporting those who are left.

Im surprised you’re surprised that people have reacted negatively to the fact you didn’t go. It’s very unusual for a son who is close to his parents not to attend his fathers funeral

It seems to me that OPs DH has strong feelings because of his experience of funerals and possibly because of his ND. It also sounds like his parents understood this so I suppose if you feel you have to respond to negative comments then you just say that FIL and MIL knew and understood why you were not attending and didn’t have an issue.

Of course it’s ok not go to funerals because you can’t cope, most people would understand that but they probably won’t understand if you say you don’t attend funerals because of your beliefs- that just sounds a bit selfish and heartless and I’m sure you’re not.

Your husband didn’t attend his father’s funeral and you can’t grasp why people don’t understand this and fail to support your belief system? I’m sure most people won’t.

What is the belief ? What about it is so strong you couldn’t take a hour to pay respects to your FIL and support your MIL? And please don’t respond by saying you cleaned her house the week before - it’s not mutually exclusive.

The responses here are really sad OP. It isn't as if you refused to go to just this one funeral; it clearly is part of a consistent belief system. I can see why you are upset that others don't respect this. That it isn't part of an established religious belief is irrelevant.

Having said that, as an atheist I do attend some funerals. Am I uncomfortable with the religious aspects? Yes. But I do it to support specific grieving people, and that's my choice. Do I think people go just because they feel they should? Yes. Has anyone ever criticised me for not going? Yes. But that's my choice too.

Choices have consequences. You need to learn to live with yours.

I thought it sounded a bit mad, but honestly your reasoning sounds fair to me. I can understand the grieving family not getting it, but you did so much to help I agree it shouldn't then be your job to arrange the funeral too if there are others that can step up. What does MIL think?

Yeah this. I also find it incredible that the OP managed to find a partner/husband with exactly the same beliefs. Considering the extremely low amount of people who 'don't believe in funerals.'

Funerals aren’t for you though. They’re for those who loved you to celebrate your life. If your family want to have a funeral when you die it would be unfair to say you don’t want this - you won’t even know. If you family don’t care either then that’s fine. But don’t make them feel bad if they want to do this

I find your views entirely understandable and reasonable. I’d simply tell anyone asking exactly what you said in your original post. If they still choose to judge it says more about them. Well done for living such an intentional life and giving so freely to others.

This was the reality for me. I'm an only child with no children of my own.

When my parents died, I had my husband by my side. When he died, the people who should have attended gave me reasons as to why they couldn't come and asked for another person to 'represent' them. They also had a letter read out at the funeral. Job done, so far as they were concerned. (To be fair, one of them had reason not to be there - he'd been told to shield.)

Their entire input actually gave me more stress. Their letter seemed to be based on the draft that they'd seen of the eulogy which I'd sent them, thus making parts of the draft eulogy redundant and they'd added 'facts' which were simply incorrect. (It was sent to me, to pass to the celebrant.)

They referenced a health condition...and got it wrong - probably because they hadn't visited my husband while he was in hospital some years previously. There was 'no point' seeing him in hospital, apparently. At that time, they'd told me they'd wait until he was home (which they did - but a hospital visit would have been more helpful). I then had the stress of emailing them back and - as diplomatically as possible - correcting what they'd said about my husband's health condition.

The celebrant edited the letter - this included correcting the grammar and shortening it so that the service didn't outrun the allotted time - and they weren't happy because he'd missed out the name of one family member's spouse. I then had to go through it all again.

They did watch the webcast which is why they wanted input. I was told afterwards that one family member 'wouldn't have cried if people had been watching' but was 'able to cry' watching the live feed.

I'm ND myself, which is probably why I keep overthinking the details nearly 5 years after the event.

What I will say is that in situations like this I've realised that people nowadays do what suits their comfort - and, of course, funerals are supremely uncomfortable.

I am interested in the rage that this thread has brought up. There is a lot of rigidity about the rules. Are people fearful that people won't go to their own funeral I wonder.
OP is getting kicked about for their honesty. But OP is clear that they did a lot for the deceased.

Aren't funerals also about coming together with others to remember and celebrating the life of the person that has died?

I think YABU here No one likes going to Funerals ,I always feel sick and cant eat much.My good friend died in her 50s. We all attended .and I felt raw ,with a splitting headache .Its a social norm ,and no matter how many times you see them when alive its a matter of passing respects to the deceased upon their death