We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I think direct cremation is a perfectly valid option for those who choose it. In fact, I would probably choose that option for myself if I didn't think that a proper funeral would be really helpful for my dd. It isn't about what I want for myself at all - I will be dead so I definitely won't care! But I would like to think that others will make the effort to show up for my dd (and my dh if he is still around at that point!), as I know that she/they would take comfort from the opportunity to gather with people who cared about me to celebrate the life that I had lived.

Not showing up to support others because of practical barriers or emotional turmoil is one thing. Deciding not to offer that support on principle is difficult for me to respect, I'm afraid.

This with bells on. Plus having her son put the burden on his mum to field the questions about his non-attendance on this day is so incredibly selfish. But then it's not a surprise that a couple who have "devised" their own belief system and labelled it as such will have made this all about themselves. Not liking the performative aspects of a funeral is incredibly ironic OP.

100% this! ^

I haven't ironed anything in about 15 years. The world doesn't seem to have stopped turning!

It isn't an either/or choice.

Funerals held at crematorium are deliberately non religious, and expect to cater for many different faiths or none.
I have been to a Jewish wedding (despite not being Jewish), and when my DF died, a former lodger, a devout Muslim, came to his very Christian funeral. This last meant a lot to me, although I personally do not believe in God.
Funerals provide a sort of 'closure' to the persons life, and it is clear that most cultures and historic societies have had some kind of rituals surrounding death and burials/cremations etc. Otherwise, why not just put the deceased person in the dustbin?
in fact most people treat the dead with some kind of 'respect'.
So, I personally find it strange.
Maybe the relatives who took some sandwiches were taking the OP's share?
Or maybe they were conscious of the food going to waste if not eaten at the time?
Funerals have a meaning, though I am finding it hard to put into words.

But not being the one to arrange your father's or FIL's funeral is not the same as not even attending it. Surely that’s the bit people find it hard to understand, and are criticising.

Of course it's important to be there for someone while they're alive, but how does that stop you going to the funeral?

I am leaning towards not having a funeral at all so I couldnt give a toss about people coming for my benefit.

But it's not about the person who died really is it? - it's about supporting those left behind and not doing that is really, really unkind

It's absolutely your prerogative. You put in all the support when he was alive and that should be appreciated and respected. Yor wishes should be respected. Some people don't have a funeral, some people don't attend funerals. People getting mad over social conventions around dead people is ridiculous. You're right that the other family members were perfectly capable of stepping up and providing support at that time when you stepped back.

Can I ask how does your belief system treat the dead? Council collect the dead every Tuesday morning along with your recycling?

Most people caring for elderly relatives also help and participate in funerals, you are of course entitled to your belief system but you have positioned it as ‘ we did everything for him alive so don’t owe our family support now that he is dead ‘ that’s just a very odd and cold take on supporting family.

I get the not engaging with performative aspect. Maybe to some extent we all do it for each other. A bit of ceremony helps some people feel that the ending of a life matters when death is always a kick in the teeth that reminds us we're all a bit of ephemeral biological scum on the surface of a big ball of rock.

I think though that you are missing a core understanding of why people go to funerals. It's the chance to talk about the person you've lost with everyone who loved them. Some of whom you have never met before and will never see again. I have learned so much about people at funerals and it helps me in my remembering of them. And stepping away from the sad circumstances of their death/illness/accident back towards remembering a whole life.

Obviously it is your choice, and you're nailing the main thing of making the most of people's company while they are with us. The other people at the funeral are still with us too though, don't you want to spend time with them?

I am changing my mind to support OP, based on my ironing examples and other people just saying they refuse to do it.

This. My DF had a direct cremation. I would not of been able to cope with looking at a coffin and thinking that my dead dad was in there.

Social conventions serve a useful purpose though. Otherwise everyone doing whatever they like leaves us fragmented. Like the fall of the Roman Empire, let's see what happens when personal wishes take over even the last remaining social conventions, like attending your father's funeral.

I see why folk think you are unsupportive.

I have no desire to have one either and have told my adult kids, but that doesn’t mean I refuse to go to other people’s funerals. I would have looked liked a completely selfish douche if I hadn’t gone to my own mother’s.

Of course not - but I don’t think one gives you a free pass to the others; I think it is self centred not to go to your own dad’s funeral.

You didn’t support your partner’s mother on what would have been one of, if not the most difficult days of her life.

And you didn’t do it to support some strange belief that goes contrary to societal norms and conventions.

If I were MiL I would feel terribly let down, and I can fully understand why the family have been having a go at you. It’s a shame you didn’t do a poll, as I suspect you wouldn’t like the results one bit. But never mind, you do you, and sod the bereaved person.

We will just be having the cheapest possible disposal for ourselves with no funeral

What if your children would like to have some sort of ceremony to celebrate your lives? With people they love who are important to them and who will support them whilst they are grieving.
"Disposal" of your body sounds like putting the rubbish out on a Tuesday

It's not a difficult and painful day, it's a difficult and painful time which extends long past a funeral (and as is the case for OP, for an extended period before). I completely understand OPs point of view. They are actually there, day in, day out, providing support. Meanwhile most funeral goers barely saw the deceased in life, and will barely see the widower going forward, but give themselves a big pat on the back for showing up on one day to be 'respectful'. That is the definition of performative. And in my experience felt like a slap in the face to the few members of the family who were caring in an active, not performative, way.

I recall very clearly looking around at my relatives funeral thinking "who are these people and why couldn't they show up for them before they died. It's a bit late to suddenly become oh so 'caring' and 'respectful' now".

I’d also point out that maybe the SIL didn’t pull her weight with caring for her Dad but arranging a parents funeral isn’t easy and personally I’d have far rather cleaned the house and looked after the dog than done the funeral arranging. I think it wasn’t kind of the OP to speak to her so bluntly in the immediate aftermath of her Dads death.

If there is at all an element of being overwhelmed by the prospect of a lot of people milling around and intense, difficult emotions being expressed behind the decision not to go to the funeral, then I think this should be honestly and humbly expressed to DH's family. If you can look beyond 'sticking to your principles' and play down the narrative of being the ones who were there when it counted, when DFiL was alive, this would go a long way towards healing family rifts.

Funerals aren’t a Willy waving contest. Attending doesn’t mean you cared more, not attending also doesn’t prove anything! It is a personal decision and up to the individual how they choose to say goodbye to their loved ones.

I am not leaving any instructions for after I am gone - it doesn’t affect me, I won’t know what happens! My family can do whatever gives THEM the most comfort.

When someone has passed we also don’t refer to them in the past tense

So when you talk about your late FIL or, say, great-great-grandparents you use the present tense, as if they were still alive? You would say "he loves chocolate cake" or "she has five children, the youngest born in 1850"? That is seriously weird and I feel very sorry for your DC.