We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

Oh ffs, how much more self absorbed can you get. 'Belief system' my arse.

My grandad, dad's dad, died last winter. Due to various circumstances (nothing criminal/no abuse) we weren't close at all, so I myself didn't feel much, though obviously I'm sorry he died. But he was close to my dad, and dad felt devastated.

Now I'm from a country where funerals are a drawn-out affair and a very big deal culturally. Overnight wake, open casket, three day thing. So it's rather taxing. My main issue was that I'm a staunch atheist and I feel nothing but strong revulsion and disdain towards all organized religion. My grandparent was Catholic and wanted to be burried with all the pomp and traditions of Christianity, as it was done. Cacket in the church, long mass, priest at the grave side, etc.

I really didn't want to go to the mass. But everyone went, and it was very important to dad. So what should I have done:

1. keep my opinions to myself, go and support my devastated dad who strongly wanted me there? OR

2. 'Stay true to my principles', create a scandal, have a huge fallout, and aggravate an already difficult situation, devastating my dad even further and setting all extended family's tongues wagging?

Hm. Let me think...

I think it's fine for the in-laws to be sad the OP and her husband didn't attend.

I think it's fine for the OP and her husband not to attend and do their own private rituals and grieving at home.

It's not fine for the in-laws to demand a different type of grieving, under the guise of 'support' when they are not supporting the husband who has lost his dad in his way of grieving.

I think people are over-estimating the normality of having funerals where 'everyone' attends nowadays, with direct cremation, family fall-outs, family estrangements, people living 1000's of miles away, very few families have everyone present and one thing that is clear is that people like nothing more than to hold onto anger and arguments over funerals.

I can see why they are going out of fashion.

I'm with you to an extent. I absolutely hate funerals as they bring up memories of loved ones I've lost.

But we live in a society and part of that is doing things you don't want to do for the greater good. A funeral is a few hours out of your life and it's very strange for someone not to attend their own father's funeral unless they were irrevocably estranged.

Sounds a bit petty. Why can't you do both?

Are you preaching to people?! I can’t understand who is asking you - no offence but I wouldn’t care less! They are your views - sorry but ‘belief system’ makes me cringe. I don’t follow any religion btw

Do you mind me asking is your belief system around funerals something you’ve come up with yourselves or is it part on a wider organisation? I only ask as I’m genuinely curious not judging. I’ve never heard of this as a belief system before.

From my perspective I agree with others that funerals are for the living and help process the death collectively. I’ve also found the coming together of friends and family from near and far a really lovely part of it. But interested to hear other perspectives.

There’s conforming for conformity’s sake and then there’s going to a funeral because it’s literally your own fathers funeral

Don’t you think it’s odd that you both think the same thing about funerals? We? So who started the thought process and manipulated the other person to agree to it?

I think it’s dreadful that you didn’t attend. Don’t blame the relatives having views about you. No coming back from that.

Sorry @Bluehummingbird but I'm in the 'I think this is odd' camp. I respect some people don't want a funeral, and I'm all for 'direct cremations' as it saves a lot of money and hassle and hard work for the ones left behind. But not going to a loved ones funeral is very odd, and a strange 'belief.' YANBU to do what you want, but YABU to expect people in the family to not be salty about it.

The genie is out of the bottle now though, and you can't undo what's done. You're going to have to live with it, and wait for it to blow over. Not sure it ever will, but the more time goes on, the less people will care I guess. They will never forget it though. You made the choice, you'll have to live with it, and take the consequences...

If your DH was an only child what would you have done? Let MiL struggle alone?

What will you if DH dies? Try and get him a paupers funeral? Keep him propped up on the sofa?

Your belief is a bit weird, although you are entitled to it. I do have friends/relatives who 'don't do funerals' for pretty much the same reasons as you, but they will make an exception for close relatives (parents, spouses etc.)

It's done now, so you'll just have to weather any criticism and crack on.

Hmmmm, harsh post, but unfortunately, I do agree.

I don't give a flying fuck about funerals, my sister is horrified by my admission. I'd literally do nothing. My will says "aow cost cremation". I don't think spending money on the dead makes any sense

BUT, I do understand the need for them, and I do go. I arranged both my parents' funerals (though dad was in covid so not much to arrange).

There are two parts, aren't there? That's the disposal of body (cremation or burial) then the gathering.

I can understand very much not seeing the point of the first part (and it sounds as if your DH has some unresolved trauma from previous losses, so he might want to get help with that) and leaving it to "the professionals".

But the second part - that's about supporting each other. Gathering the family together. You say your DH went to his mum's after everyone had left, to support her. Why couldn't he go when people were there? That's the weird bit.

OK, aunts etc didn't come before the death, and yes, I agree, that's pretty selfish (had the same experience with my mum). But people have their own beliefs (to go to funerals and meet as a family) - you expect yours to be accepted, but you won't accept theirs?

Maybe you'll feel differently as you get older and you and your peers are closer to the ends of your lives.

You spend as much time as you can supporting a person while they’re alive, but not with your arm around them at a funeral when it will be one of the worst days of their life.
wTAF have I just read. So in essence you’ve „devised a belief system“ which enables you to feel good about doing lots of good works, but not on that single day. That’s a day off. Fuck me.

There’s nothing ‘authentic’ about having a blanket policy on not attending funerals, though. No one enjoys them, but if someone wants me there I will go, because of my desire to show up for them.

It’s fairly clear to me that the OP and her DH struggle socially, and have invented themselves a somewhat self-righteous ‘rule’ that allows them to avoid social occasions they don’t want to attend because the people who do go are ‘performative’ sheeple who didn’t really care about the deceased or the mourners and are just there for the sandwiches. They’ve also invented, or the OP has, some groundless belief that having been involved in someone’s life has an inverse correlation to attending their funeral. When my grandfather died, the family members who nursed him were all there, as were several of his hospice workers, and people who held his hand when he was dying. As well as people who’d met him once but drove a long way to show support for my mum and dad.

But perhaps not listened to the feedback? You seem to be adamant you were not being disrespectful, but to whom - yourselves, fil, mil or the wider family? Sometimes you need to accept that others’ feelings can and should trump your own and change priorities, regardless of a belief system. You cannot complain of being judged when you do similar yourself.

You sound rather pompous OP. No one likes going to funerals but we do it because it’s the kind thing to do. It’s not about the deceased, it’s about supporting the living. You have made it all about you. You are the ones being performative.

I've been to several funerals this year. Not for the person who died, but to be there for the family mourning their loss. It's a very practical form of support. They were all grim in their different ways, but also hugely important to the families and communities doing the grieving.

Dodging that is your choice, but stop refusing to recognise that's what you're doing.

And I'm afraid I'm another person that finds labelling your personal preferences and opinions a 'belief system' cringey and cult-like.

You're being labelled as disrespectful because it is disrespectful.

It’s not “odd” at all. Everyone is different and can respect the dead person in their own ways. I’ve only been to one funeral so far and have missed a couple of others. It sounds as if the relatives who didn’t show up to help before the OP’s Fil died are just projecting, knowing that they were lacking in that respect. She hasn’t done anything wrong imo.

There’s nothing ‘authentic’ about having a blanket policy on not attending funerals, though. No one enjoys them, but if someone wants me there I will go, because of my desire to show up for them.

Exactly- I've heard it all now 🤣 next time I dont want to do anything I will simply refuse and just say it's ok! I am being authentic to who I am.

Visiting old relatives in the nursing home?- sorry, it's not the authentic me!

Agreed!

My dad died last year and was a staunch atheist- we had a very pared down funeral. No religious aspect at all and the casket was there when we entered the crematorium and no curtain etc.Bit he was a wonderful man and we knew people who want something formal to say goodbye to him.

Oh - and I was with him every day in the hospital for 2 months before he died. In case anyone judges me for just doing the funeral bit…

So are you saying that DH never attended any of the many family funerals yku mention, even long before he met you? And was also a vegan volunteer non-driving non-flier before you met?

What does your belief system think about weddings?
Do you attend them?
I would be interested as the argument could equally be made they are just for the couple as funerals are for the living.

Because you have been raised to believe that's what you should do.

The most important people in this scenario understood and were OK with them not attending.

I do think the "belief system" wording has complicated things. If they had said "Were both ND and cannot cope in large group gathering situations", and I suspect that is in part part of the issue, that may have been accepted more readily.

A close relative of a boyfriend died. They were very devout xatholics. So the person who had died was brought home, open coffin, and all the different aspects of that ritual performed. I wanted to support my boyfriend but it really wasn't for me. I cannot cope to see people once dead, the sound of a houseful of oeople saying the rosary actually filled me with real fear. I left. He stayed. I am grateful that I was able to not confirm and remain in a situation which was deeply disturbing to me. Equally I was grateful that he respected me enough to know I was not critical of his beliefs but simply that I personally couldn't manage that situation. Being able to say ,"No. I can't do this" is a great strength.

Surely, your belief system has strategies set up to cater for this problem.
I couldn’t care less whether folk turn up for funerals etc. or not , nor what they think about those who do or don’t wish to.
Something has to be done with the remains of the once person…

At this point none of the parties can change what has happened, just gotta move on!