We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

So this is just a totally made up belief system, invented by your DH?
I hope you teaching your children to be less judgemental and more compassionate than you and your dh are.

Why do describe your relatives eating food as "stuffing their faces"?
What is wrong with taking food home, would you have been happier for it to be wasted and thrown in the bin?

I think your stance is fine and doesn't even have to be justified.

Not everyone wants to attend every funeral. It is a choice.

At my husband's funeral, two of my closest friends didn't come. One had lost her own husband and it was too upsetting. Another 'doesn't do funerals' and that was fine with me. Someone else left immediately afterwards as she was very upset. I did not mind who came and who did not, because my husband was dead anyway and the point of a funeral is to help those living. If it's not helping them and it doesn't feel right for them, then that's that.

You can't control other people's grieving.

You don't say whether you are a member of a particular religious group or not, some do not celebrate Christmas and it's wrong to say all cultures have funerals

In some cultures, they believe the soul does not depart immediately but after a certain period of time, so going to a funeral a few days after death does not solve the saying goodbye issue. In other cultures, they dig up the bodies and 'celebrate' and mourn their passing.

It is very much the case that in the current generation onwards, there will be fewer funerals (direct cremation, my mum wants one) and more people opting out of attending those that do occur, so all those saying you have to attend are going to be very stressed indeed.

If it doesn't help their grief, why would you want people to come? The OP and her husband have a right to grieve their way (which sounds touching) and the rest of the family can do it their way too. The mum had plenty of support and making people who don't believe in funerals attend funerals would not have changed that.

I have not been through all the thread sorry, so sorry if this has been suggested.

I am atheist, you seem to be a believer, but maybe you feel uncomfortable with what appears to be the hypocrisy of Church services?

If so, it might be a good idea to dig your Bible out and look up Matthew 6:5. "And when you pray, do not be like the hypocrites. For they love to pray standing in the synagogues and on the street corners to be seen by men."

It's part of the Sermon on the Mount. and is allegedly the direct words, perhaps even an order. of Jesus Himself.

So this NT verse, from the Man himself, justifies your position. Indeed, the fact that is a direct order does maybe suggest that attending Church is a sin. It's an interesting thought.

So you can say you are a Christian without going to Church, and you are following what Jesus instructed.

This in an interesting verse. It is totally clear, in context too, but look it up on any Christian website, and witness the mental gymnastics.

It is also worth noting that the Bible does not mention Jesus going to a funeral There is Luke 7:14, but it's not stated if that's a funeral. That's a raise the dead bit. In fact, funerals are hardly mentioned at all in the Bible. OT and NT.

There is Jer 16:5, but the context is wrong for your position. That's an old vengeful God bit.

In my view, if anyone tries to pressure anyone with religion, just quote back a verse that supports your position.

And in this case, It's Jesus himself that agrees with your position. And there is nothing in the Bible saying you are wrong. In effect, you are following one more order from Jesus than other many other Christians.

Matthew 6:6 " But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you."

So yeah, if you are Christian, follow your Bible.

Sorry for your loss.

We had to label it as something as so often we’ve had people say oh is this your own religion ? Some kind of cult? So we had to find a way to explain that no it’s not that.

how do you know this? The fact that the OP has only just posted on here doesn't mean that they have only just talked about their beliefs within the family.

Humour me, what else does your belief system’ cover.

Not going also causes social embarrassment to your MIL, because in mainstream culture a child boycotting their father's funeral would only happen if they literally couldn't make it (in hospital themselves, serving in the army and unable to get leave, couldn't get back in time because they live on the other side of the world and after a sudden death the funeral has to happen swiftly for religious reasons) or if there was a severe grudge between them.

By simply not choosing to turn up you will potentially have opened speculation of hidden abuse of some kind by FIL to his son (emotional, sexual, financial etc) leading to you not only becoming no contact but actively snubbing his last interaction with the living world in front of his friends and neighbours.
It also looks as if you don't care to support MIL in front of all her friends and family, as most attendees won't have seen the previous support, only that you didn't come on the day.

best thing to do is neither to apologise or explain.

anybody who is going to be that judgy can also fuck off.

But it is basically a cult of a sort? Just one that you've started for yourselves and you're now raising your kids in it?

Well, there's your answer: If you refuse to explain your belief system, then it's entirely unreasonable of you to expect people who don't share it to understand.

People not understanding is the obvious consequence of your refusal to explain.

I think that the time that you spent caring for your FIL and MIL is wonderful.

I also think that your belief system is flawed in the way that your care of the living only extends as far as the funeral and doesn't resume until after it has finished. That isn't caring for the living as much as you can. That is deliberately choosing to withhold the support of a son for their mother at one of the most difficult times of their life, deliberately withholding support from their siblings and family friends also. That isn't kind.

Add to that, the added burden to MIL of having to explain your absence to others. That made the funeral and wake way more about you and your DH than it should have been.

Not withstanding all you kindly did for FIL when he was alive, your decision not to attend the funeral and the wake appears selfish and you can expect people to hold an unfavourable opinion of you as a result.

Maybe time for a rethink?

They probably think it's you driving it and your dh is just going along with it for an easy life and would have gone to his dad's funeral given the choice. I'm not saying that's the truth. I'm saying that's probably their narrative.

Not to harm any living creature so we are vegan . To make sure we are useful in society (eg volunteering). To try to be as environmentally friendly as possible (we don’t and have never for example flown anywhere and we don’t have a car)

I’m not going to make them feel bad if they for example decide to be Church of England and go to all the funerals they are invited to.

@Bluehummingbird I think you're being too black and white about this. Im not a Christian, yet I would have no hesitation in attending a church funeral to support the people i care about.

Being Devil's Adcocate here. Maybe what they are teaching their children is it's absolutely OK to live your life in a way that's true to yourself and you do not need to perform in the way society expects simply because that's how its always been done. That it's ok not to conform for conformity's sake. Aren't we as a society promoting that people should live authentically? It seems we are until we don't agree with a particular aspect of that authenticity. 🤷🏻‍♀️

They know dh and his beliefs from before he knew me so they should understand

This is so reaching I don't know where to start.

The OP and her husband were supportive in a genuine practical and caring way up til FIL's death. Doing that will have marked them out as far far more compassionate and kind than most on this thread are exhibiting.

I've been in hospices many times and seen many people die. Many are either alone or not flooded with visitors. Even worse in care homes.

Being Christian, not that the OP says she is, is about deeds not words. She did her deeds, other people did the funeral, all is fine.

There's no need to attend funerals if you actively don't want to. I would hate anyone to come to mine just to 'respect' me, whatever that means, and I expect my children will have enough supporters without needing every person there.

Aren't we as a society promoting that people should live authentically? It seems we are until we don't agree with a particular aspect of that authenticity. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Wouldnt that also apply to the SIL too then? she has had plenty of judgment from the OP.....

You can't believe (or not) in funerals (and other rituals surrounding death). They are tangible events.

But you don’t appear to be as welcoming of others questioning your belief system regarding attending funerals. Your remarks over attendees at the funeral only coming for food and not bothering while fil was alive are also judgemental. Perhaps you need to reflect on the values you are choosing to adopt.

❤️

Ive answered questions about it

You sound supremely selfish.

You really didn't need to label it. You are entitled to live the way you want to live your life, within the law, obviously.

I mean, I believe, for example, we should help others, not steal, and rejoin the EU but if I went around describing that as my belief system, other people would quite rightly think I've lost the plot altogether.a

I don't go to many funerals either, I would avoid at all costs, I just don't believe all of hyperbole, especially if the person themselves wasn't religious, or even a nice person!

My DM didn't attend my Dad's funeral, she couldn't cope, and that is another reasonable case for non attendance.

People judging will in the main just be performative people, going to be seen, rather than having any true commitment.

I agree, it is more important to support people before and after someone has died. The funeral is meaningless.