We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

Because the people it is about are alive

It was sarcasm of course!! Funerals are for the living but OP is claiming they are only for the dead and her SIL is some kind of monster for taking home leftovers from the catering.

Amy sarcasm was to point out exactly how awful she sounds.

Is this "belief system" a religion/ does it have a name / is it associated with some kind of philosophy? I think perhaps people would find it less odd if so.

Like if you said we are from XYZ religion and as part of that religion, funerals aren't a thing, it would make sense. But this kind of feels like some random system you guys have decided on? Tbh it doesn't make a lot of sense. Whilst people should respect other people's choices, it seems obvious to me why they are questioning yours.

Also how can you decide funerals aren't for you if you've never been to one? Most people don't really enjoy a funeral. They are naturally sombre affairs. Reminds me of when my kids look at something they've never eaten before and say they don't like it.

She doesn't have to attend.

But she should expect to be judged as disrespectful.

Attending funerals is about supporting the bereaved, who also happen to be alive.

You have a very warped sense of logic.

The mourners at a funeral are alive. The loved ones who need kind words are alive.

And do you consider that weddings, exactly like funerals, are also about all the guests? About the bringing together of families to share in celebration and be together for these important events?

I 'forced' people to take home the food and wine I'd over catered for at Dads, was lovely posh food I'd paid a fortune for. My dad hated waste so he'd have approved.

Each to their own eh? No right or wrong in these kinds of things I suppose.

You're right.

Indeed, funerals are really about and for the living, and in this case your MIL especially. You could have just made a low key appearance followed by a swift exit when it finished. Centering your own ‘beliefs’ in this case seems pretty tone deaf and you were naive not to expect to be judged for it.

You've been together a long time in total – had this belief system of yours never come up before in conversation with your DH's family so they were forewarned? Or is the system new and a direct response to his father dying?

It just seems odd they were unaware of your strength of feeling until just before the funeral.

YABU. The thing with beliefs is there has to be balance. I'm also ND and can fall into rigidity with things I really believe in. BUT when I fall into that rigidity I have learnt to reflect about whether my belief creates conflict or causes emotional/physical damage to others. And I will work around it.

For example, I am a practicing Christian. I do not believe people should baptise their children if they do not intent to bring them up to practice Christianity.
HOWEVER I believe that I can attend things that do not align my own beliefs, as long as they are legal and not harmful, because my presence at an event doesn't impact my own beliefs.

My friend is not a practicing Christian and got her baby baptised because it was their family's tradition, even though they don't have any particular belief in God.

Even though this goes against my belief system, I attended the baptism because refusing to attend because I think what she's doing is hypocritical, would have been unkind and would have served no purpose beyond validating my own feelings and damaging my relationship with someone I care about deeply.

You're being selfish, and putting your beliefs above everyone else. Attending the funeral would have no impact on your beliefs but it is having an impact on your relationships

I’d be deeply hurt I’d db didn’t attend one of our parent’s funerals.

Poor MIL probably had person after person coming up to her at the wake asking where her son and DIL were.

I get it @Bluehummingbird ❤️

This in spades ^^**

We don't have any proof she whined about it.
She's grieving the loss of her father, it's natural that she felt overwhelmed with her funeral planning. If she expected her brother to be involved (the op hasn't said anything to suggest they set expectations beforehand) then she'll have been left wondering what's going on.

You also don't know how much emotional support she gives to her mother, or what their relationship is like. Family members have different strengths and the key to navigating them is to recognise what each person brings to the table.

Add to that how feelings are magnified and sharpened in the face off loss.

This is possibly the most naval gazing, self indulgent, virtue signalling tripe ive read for a long time.

Just do the right thing and go.

The wrong is in the judging. You aren’t wrong for not eating at a funeral and you aren’t wrong for wrapping up what’s leftover and making sure it doesn’t go to waste.

OP is very, very wrong for making repeated arsey comments in regards/directly to a grieving daughter for taking some sandwiches home with her at the end of the funeral.

I might think she might be too upset to cook and wanted to make sure her family had something to nibble on. OP however seems to regard her as some grubby handed woman snatching what she can. I wonder what her DH really thinks.

Even if db had done all the looking after and you hadn't done anything?

This is so strange.

Funerals are about saying goodbye to the person you love but also celebrating their life. I barely got through the days leading up to my dad's funeral but the actual day was full of people talking about him and enjoying being together to chat about things from the past.

Yes, it's not exactly a party but a chance for family and friends to get together, the wake doesn't have to be all doom and gloom, often far from it. I fi d it unfathomable that your husband wasn't at his own dad's funeral - would you also give your own mum or dad's a miss and stay at home?

OP, when you talk about funerals as a "final goodbye", but then talk about how you talk about the deceased, keep them in your thoughts etc ... do you understand that the vast majority of people do not attend a family funeral and then never talk of this person again? Most people do both, attend a funeral so they can talk to others who cared about the deceased, however they may have known them, and continue to keep that person alive in their thoughts. You don't go to a funeral and never talk of a family member again!

There may have been people at the funeral who were not in the location or an emotional place - or close enough - to have helped your PIL during this time but they wanted to show your family that they cared about your FIL.

RTFT. Funeral's happened. They didn't go.

Why didn't you push back and tell the relatives that your choices are none of their business and then say where were you for the last couple of years?