We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

She’s not performing! She is sticking with her own beliefs and principles. Don’t be nasty.

She is strong to do this. I saw so many people including family who did nothing to help when both my parents when they were ill and dying - turn up whinging at the funerals. I had begged these close relatives for help while I did everything alone.

I couldn’t stand the hypocrisy and will be opting for a direct funeral myself.

Good on you OP for helping to take care of them - that’s all that counts.

Where have I said we don’t go to weddings?

Sorry, no. I didn't say in a later post that my reasons are personal to me.
I appreciate that views will differ, and respect that people react differently to death, there's no one correct way. My family are aware of my feelings, so it won't be a surprise to them.

OP I agree that a funeral isn’t the only way to say goodbye. As a teen I didn’t go to my DGM’s funeral as I wouid have found it too hard.
I also don’t think you were unreasonable telling your SIL that organising the funeral was her role after you and your DH did everything else before your FIL passed away. The caveat to that, though, would be how you communicated that.
I also agree that those who didn’t make any kind of effort during the person’s life has no right to admonish you about not attending. That’s just hypocritical.

But, you have to see the bigger picture here about the role that funerals play in human life. We are awful in England at dealing with death. The funeral is a rite that helps people deal with loss and grief. It’s absolutely for the living, not the dead. Other countries and cultures have much more elaborate rituals around death which are all there to help those left behind to deal with death, which is fundamental to the human condition. Look at the way that death is dealt with in Ireland. These rituals help normalise it and help reduce fear of it.
You are expecting a lot from other people by proclaiming a “belief system” that’s not really based on any social or cultural norms and expecting them to understand. I also think you’re doing your children a disservice by, when they are old enough, not helping them understand where funeral rites fit into our understanding and way of dealing with life and death.

Why do you go to weddings?

It's not a woman thing. It's her husband's father and DH had made the decision as much, if not more than, OP

What if your brother’s wife sent you a very snarky message before the funeral, while you were grieving, saying that it’s about time you “did something” for your parent and that they weren’t interested in the funeral because they felt they had “done enough.”

Like the one OP sent her SIL. Would you maybe be a little offended then, perhaps?

Yeah, granted not read it all, but in reality we can only be responsible for our own actions, we can't control what others do, only how we react to it.

As sad as it is for OP's family if they really wanted them there, I think getting it in the neck for people being true to themselves is all about the other people, not the OP.

I'm saying that you are performing at funerals but that's okay. You are performing good things like support and respect. That's why you go even though it is hard.

A direct funeral doesn't mean your loved ones (if you have any) won't have a memorial service which contains everything a funeral would. The only difference is that your body might not be there. I've been to several of these "no body" funerals of people who either live abroad, or were repatriated after their death.

Nope I'm sorry I don't understand why you didn't attend the funeral either. Weren't you there to support your mil there?

I know this isn’t the point but I don’t get the whole people shouldn’t enjoy the food at funerals, thing. I’ve already told DH that at my funeral I want everyone to have brilliant food and have a good time!

Reading a lot of 'we' here but translating this to 'I'.

Struggling to understand your belief system and your reasoning. Your support has very stringent boundaries and some of your commentary is very judgemental. I question how much your husband agrees with your belief system and how much he feels able to challenge. I feel sorry for your MIL who in the midst of her recent bereavement is having to deal with this drama.

Actually had I been the one doing majority of the caring when FIL was alive and I had a whiny sibling having to now step up and do their bit, I'd tell them to piss off too.

Feelings run high after a death in the family. People are grieving and not always logical. In my experience there are often disagreements.
It's all a bit raw.

Why? To open up the wounds again?

If other people want to attend a funeral, then they can. The OP should not have to.

I would love to have the laugh reaction back for this, brilliant 🤣

Yes and the very snarky comments by OP about people taking home leftover sandwiches. I’m sorry, does her “belief system” mean it’s much more respectful to leave the food untouched?

Funerals are for the dead, therefore the sandwiches are also for the dead. Don’t eat them and certainly don’t take leftovers home. Throw them in the grave, perhaps.

Is your belief system of the Jedi persuasion, OP?

What you said to your SIL sounds very harsh and quite cruel. Do you still stand by that?

Apologies - you said you wouldn’t go tk a place of worship. So you wouldn’t go to a church wedding?

You also say that you have no experience of death (though you all say you have memories of people you’ve lost - which is it?) - so your parents and grandparents are still alive?

My own family all hate funerals, and so does my DP. My lovely father died a few weeks ago and we didn’t have a funeral for him at all.

However, when DP’s dad died and a funeral was important to the rest of DP’s family, we obviously went to it because we aren’t complete arseholes.

The fact that you’ve chosen the immediate aftermath of your FIL’s death to start dicking on about ‘the belief system you have devised’, and sniping at your SIL about how much better you were to FIL than she was, is absolutely fucking mindboggling to me.

Throw sandwiches in the grave? I hope that was a joke!

Funerals are not for the dead, nor the sarnies, well, they are dead, they don't care! They are for a time to say goodbye, to reflect and they are absolutely not compulsory.

Agree - OP seems to be making a lot of this about herself and it is in fact her DH’s grief first and foremost. It doesn’t feel like there is much room for him here.

I agree. A lot of people will have travelled to attend. It is very mean spirited to not provide some sort of refreshment.

The landlady at our local pub always puts on a good spread for funerals. The last two we attended were for good friends that we had spent a lot of time with before they died and whose families we supported before they died.

We also went to the funeral to support the bereaved.

The SIL shouldn't have whined about having to plan the funeral. As I say, I have experience of a lazy SIL and it is really annoying. I do more for my FIL then his own daughter does. If, for whatever reason, we left her to plan his funeral (which hopefully won't be for many years yet!) and she had the audacity to complain, you bet I'd be telling her it was about damn time she got off her backside.