We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

No To us it is about the couple getting married. Who are alive . Funerals are about the person who has passed . We’ve never considered it to be about the guests in either example

So you had no guests at your wedding? You just eloped so it was solely about the two of you?

Sometimes, staying silent is the best policy. Your family will never agree with you, so why keep prolonging the argument?
(And I broadly agree with your choices, but you need to let it go and move on).

The mourners at a funeral are alive. You go to support them.

I can understand your 'belief system', you've explained it pretty well. But you should be aware that humankind has always marked death in some kind of ceremonial way, ever since we were basically The Flintstones.
Maybe the rest of us just need time to catch up 🤔

I don’t believe you have a belief system at all. You are both ND and cannot understand or process the emotions of grief so have come up with a coping strategy that works for both of you. I fully agree that this is only a small part of the belief systen you have that allows you to function and navigate daily social requirements. Everything you say is factual and unemotional and so you allow no leeway for other to show emotion either. it sounds like a very Co dependant relationship and this issue will be that if you are bringing your children up with this strategy and they arnt ND in the same way as you you are setting them up for a lifetime of not being able to cope with their emotions.

it’s not on you to conform to ‘normal’ society but as you will know swimming against the current is difficult, do you also want that for your children?

We just had witnesses in a registry office as that was what we preferred

But that would be completely normal to comment on, for my uncle/aunts generation? It’s a way of showing appreciation for the family who organised the funeral. They appreciated the effort that went in to show respect to the deceased, the funeral plans, the wake, they helped prevent food wastage, etc etc…
You’re judging them on something that used to be completely expected, it would be rude of them not to say something.

You show as much disregard for others’ very standard ‘belief systems’ as you claim is being made against your very non-standard ‘belief system’ (quote/unquote for the arrogance of claiming a whole system for the tow of you).

By all means carry on as you are but don’t get prissy with others stating their discomfort and displeasure with you.

Other peoples’ behaviour is a red herring. If it forms part of your belief system, it’s irrelevant how supportive other people were, how much they visited, how much they helped with arrangements. Presumably if everyone else had been faultless in their support you still wouldn’t have attended.

I’m beyond shocked that a son wouldn’t attend his father’s funeral.

You are absolutely right to live to your beliefs, but don't then whinge about it when people, with different beliefs disagree.

My dad hated funerals, so never went to them. But knew he had to turn up to DF / DM etc for himself or partner.

I've never heard of a DS not going for a DF unless there's been a falling out or logistic reasons.

I'm not surprised you are being judged.

I agree, esp the part about judging. It's wrong to judge people for the majority of the time, wrong for the OP to judge people for taking sarnies or eating at a funeral, just as it's wrong for people to judge the OP for not going.

How much nicer would the world be if we just stopped judging others so much?

I fundamentally disagree. I have never seen anyone carry a parent's coffin, and most don't speak at a funeral either. It's certainly an option, but only one of many options.

Looking at your beliefs from a different perspective:

My sibling died and at his request there was no funeral or service of any kind. It was awful watching him transported down the garden path disappearing into a void - just gone.

A month or so later a gathering was arranged for those who wished to remember him, (not his wishes at all). It was so lovely to reminisce with all those who chose to come, and all those moments which started with “ do you remember when”.

Yes but there were tears but also laughter thinking of happy times gone by.

I am now firmly in the camp that funerals are a catalyst to bring together in support and love family and friends.

Humanity is bound with delicate ribbons and this sometimes needs reinforcement.

There's also the concept of showing respect to consider.

Granted many people now reject this idea.

If someone really didn't want to go to a funeral but communicated appropriately beforehand, then they will still have shown a level of respect.

The response you sent your SIL didn't show any at all.

You've made a big thing about supporting your FIL while he was alive but haven't spared a thought for how his daughter might be grieving simply because you took her father to appointments.

That's incredibly selfish and unkind.

Fair enough, it sounds like you've been consistent about your beliefs. Which is why I don't understand it was such a surprise to SIL and family that you didn't attend the funeral – surely they would have expected it? When did you actually tell them you wouldn't be going?

Humanity is bound with delicate ribbons

This is beautiful and entirely spot on - did you come up with it or is a quote?

Good grief. I'm strongly Pagan, and firmly believe once the body has died, that the spirit is gone, and as such won't be having any kind of formal funeral when i go, and will ask my ashes be scattered and a tree planted in my memory.

however, even I know the funeral is for the family, not the departed, and the point of being there is to show the remaining, grieving relatives your love and support during a ceremony/event that they find extremely hard to attend.

your beliefs, religious, political or otherwise should never ever stand in the way of basic human decency and respect.

The person I feel sorry for here is your MIL. If what you say is true you were there for her (and her husband) throughout his illness yet you chose, due to some very odd personal beliefs about funerals to desert her at the time when she probably needed her son to support her the most.
The fact that the sister in law didn’t pull her weight during the time her father was ill is almost irrelevant - for all you know she may have felt that you had the monopoly on being the dutiful caregivers, but whatever the reason, it almost beggars belief to me that you felt it acceptable to call her out on her behaviour when you did, and leave her to provide all the support for her mum on the most difficult of days and what the vast majority of people would consider to be the final goodbye.
I don’t disagree with your view that we all should do more for the living, of course we should, but equally I think your decision not to attend the funeral was wrong and disrespectful and an occasion when you should have put your (odd) beliefs to one side.

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The funeral is for the living not the dead. I find it sad you could not support your MiL on one of the most devastating days of her life. I needed all the support I could have on the day of my DH's funeral. People travelled from Devon (an 8 hour round trip), from London, from Yorkshire and Lancashire to be with me and to show respect for my late DH. I also note from experience that not having a funeral (e.g. going for a 'pure cremation') leaves many people upset and without a sense that a life has been celebrated and their mourning acknowledged.
Many of the people who came to my DH's funeral had also given support as he lay dying and I appreciated that, too. But the funeral meant something. It is a moment of transition from what you were, the life you led, to the new life without the person who has died being physically present. That's what the funeral is about. That transition is what you are giving support to.

The funeral is for the family really not the deceased, your mil needed all the support she could get there. I can't imagine not attending a close family members funeral.

A counsellor specialising in both grief and neurodiversity could help you work through how best to articulate this to maximise the chances of a positive outcome. In a way that honours and acknowledges everyone’s feelings. I’m not sure that posters on here are generally of a constructive mindset to make the right suggestions.

It just popped into my head (from my heart).

They knew because it had been discussed prior as FIL knew because there had been another funeral dh hadn’t gone to and FIL had said he understood dh wouldn’t be at his either that he understood why he was ok about it. MIL and FIL had always known how Dh feels about certain things.

OP isn’t going to change her views on this. We’re all pissing into the wind.

There are bloody weird answers here. You don’t have to go to a funeral to show respect, you showed your respect in practical terms and that’s much more important. Nod and smile and back away from the strange performative respect people. You don’t need them to agree with or like you.