We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

I know people whose very orthodox religious beliefs do not allow them to attend other places of worship and they still manage to attend funerals even if they wait respectfully outside.
One of the difficulties I see is that you're constantly reminding people that you did more than them previous to the death so don't need to attend the funeral and it must be very divisive.

It absolutely was unkind.
My MIL died unexpectedly this year. The funeral was very hard but important to talk about her, especially for her GCs. It was absolutely awful for DH to organise, even with his Aunt and brother. To not support his sister in that way is very unkind too.

But we all felt the need to be there, to hear others' memories of her, to show support as a family.

Is part of your belief system that people only matter as they relate directly to yourself? And you have no interest in them as separate individuals? I'm struggling to understand why you wouldn't have wanted to go to the funeral and talk to and hear from people who knew your FIL at different stages of his life. People come to funerals who you may not have met before or will met again but who shared a part of thier life with your FIL.

I do think it's an odd thing to put such a principled stand on that it upsets your close family when it isn't actively harmful to go to a funeral.

What about when your children are older if they want to go to any funerals? Will you let them? Actively ban them or even try to dissuade them? That would be very unfair to them.

The funeral issue of part of the belief system not the centre of it

Until you attend one and witness what the outpouring of love and support means to the grieving immediate family you cannot understand the concept.

What if your DC had wanted to attend?

Its interpreting the facts. You're going there for the people who still have to live after this day. The dead person has already stopped living.

so you just ‘came up with’ your belief system? You still hadn’t properly explained this other than to say your DH finds funerals too traumatic which is true of most people

Sounds utterly ridiculous, like you’re attention seeking and like it’s all about you tbh!

No reason why she shouldn't do her bit, but there are ways of saying things to someone who is grieving.

But on the other hand a friend’s father didn’t have a funeral and now, a few years on, they are still struggling with a sense of ‘closure’ for want of a better word.

They're not really beliefs though are they? What is it you actually believe in? Being selfish?

They're just things you've made up so that you have an excuse to put what you want first. Ok, so you help people, that's nice, but it seems it's all on your terms.

Very performance orientated and look at us. We're different and we want everyone to know it. Even to the point of being horribly unkind to your grieving SIL. That shows a massive lack of empathy.

Helping with hospital appointments, shopping and other practical tasks does not in any way excuse treating grieving people like that.

For what it's worth, I agree with you that we should do more for people when they're still alive. But being kind to people isn't a balance sheet where you opt out of the stuff you don't want to do and say it's ok because you did something else.

I wouldn't go to a funeral for my own sake, I would still go though if other people wanted one. I don't find them particularly helpful personally but it's not always all about me.

You might think you're superior to everyone else but as you can see in this thread, that's not how a lot of people are seeing it.

We are bringing them up by our belief system so they currently don’t know about funerals. When they are older we will teach them as part of RE about other beliefs so it will
come in then. They will be free to make any choice they want. We are trying to break a cycle but if the dc have different opinions then that is up to them 100%

Well you are being disrespectful, obviously.

You’re choosing to not take part in something that is part of a much larger belief system than your own.

Just because you call your preferences “beliefs” it doesn’t make them any more reasonable.

You not wanting to attend a funeral because you don’t want to and you think they’re performative is a preference not a belief.

Really it’s rather childish, like a teenager refusing to do something completely normal just because they can.

Performative rebellion is silly.

You sound like arseholes being difficult at a time of grief for the sake of it, and trying to dress that up as a “belief system”. Do what you want but I’d judge the pair of you for this quite rightly.

I’ve been thinking your last sentence reading this whole thing. All very ‘We believe’ this and ‘We believe’ that. If my brothers (or sisters) partner started up a new ‘belief system’ that was just for them, I’d be more inclined to see it as a pretty classic example of controlling behaviour, with a bit of smug ‘but look how much we DID for them’ thrown in the mix.

It’s a pretty awful combination that probably extends beyond this funeral situation and your poor MIL probably doesn’t have the energy to bother arguing with you.

Firstly please accept my condolences @Bluehummingbird 💐 I am wondering if grief is affecting your judgement.

I pose this question kindly, what are you hoping to get from this thread?

You are the kind of person who shows their love through practical deeds and you appreciate others who do the same. But it is a practical deed to turn up to a funeral, even if you don’t want to. And socially for some occcasions, such as marking a death, your presence really matters to those left behind.

A substantial majority of people are telling you that YABU, so if you are looking for validation, you aren’t going to get it here. What you can do is use this information to carefully consider your beliefs and behaviour towards others going forward. I hope you do so, gently, perhaps with a grief counsellor. You seem to be holding anger to other family members, which can sometimes be part of grieving.

You need to acknowledge that you made an error and people in here telling you that you are right won’t heal the hurt you have caused others and help you move forward as a family. I would seek some grief counselling to help support you and help together figure out a way to make amends. Grief following the loss of a loved one is a journey and you are still going to need your family and they need you too.

All the best.

This exactly. Your own belief about what a funeral is doesn’t change the reality of what it actually is.

It’s interesting that you haven’t had any previous experience of funerals - I hadn’t until my late 20s and it was only from attending my first and properly seeing all of the people there who had been involved in the deceased’s life in various ways, and the comfort that shared stories of her life brought to those closest, that I properly “got it” about funerals.

We do not think we are superior in any way. Different maybe , never superior.

Yes . It's a batshit 'belief' and yes people are going to judge you both for not attending his father's funeral. ( regardless of the fact that you appear to want some sort of a medal for helping him when he was alive) .
Not sure what you appear surprised that people think ye are both lacking . What did you expect?

I’m sorry but you’re behaving like arrogant, selfish assholes with no thought for anybody else.

I think MIL likely sees them as mentally inept so doesn't have the expectations of them that she would other adults.

What if, when it comes to it, he doesn’t want to do that? Will he feel under an obligation from beyond the grave to do what you want rather than what he, the living, wants and indeed may need?

The continued use of 'we believe' makes it sound like the OP and her DH are in a cult of two.

As the OP has said she's ND, I think she should take on board that her response to this social situation may be so far from the norm as to cause issues for others. My DN has ASD and sometimes needs to be nudged on what are standard/accepted social norms.

Funerals are times family comes together to remember, mourne and also celebrate the life of the person who has died. For a son not to attend would usually indicate a significant family rift, which makes people concerned and uncomfortable.

As OP and her DP provided most on-going support and care, I imagine they were closest to her MIL, who would have wanted all her children with her on the day.

I suspect MIL hasn't challenged her DS on his non-attendance due to fear of his and OPs reaction to being criticised for their belief system.

You're trying to break a cycle of hundreds of thousands of years across the globe of having ceremonies to bury the dead? Blimey.