We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

What I’d like from this thread is opinions from others as I’ve been shocked at the way family have been so outraged at us. It helps me to understand and then formulate my response to them .

Christ.

I hope someone in your family steps in and helps your poor DC.

Two things can be true.
so yes, this could be likely.
I’ve witnessed (my own) family members rally when we have had tough times, but there were some who did less than nothing. After the death, it was those family members that could barely manage to lift a finger to collect a prescription or buy some milk, who were just beside themselves with grief, it was so performative and that pissed me off.

However, I also think you were selfish in putting your needs above that of your MIL.
Funerals are overwhelming, you could have been there for her.

You are bringing up/ indoctrinating your children according to a belief system you have entirely made up? Home education?

Please tell us more about the “wider belief system you have devised”. Due to you posting,
I assume you are open to debate and are willing to talk about your beliefs.

What are your beliefs about end of life? What is it about funerals that you don’t agree with? Is it the burial, putting the body in the ground! Or do you feel that funerals are pseudo expressions of grief? You speak of people stuffing their faces.
You speak of going to the church, does you belief reject all theology despite alluding to your Christian faith.

Also you say that you feel funerals are
“performative” is that part of your belief system or just a personal feeling?

I don’t like funerals! Every country/people have reverential ceremonies to honour and bury the dead. What is your ceremony over and above being a good person, helping and visiting and saying good bye in the hospital before loved ones die?

I hope I haven’t come over as harsh or cynical.

@Bluehummingbird you say you act as if every time you see someone and then say goodbye you need to treat it as a possible last goodbye, so surely vocalising your judgment to your SIL for not being around prior to the funeral goes against that belief.

I assume you are jehovah witnesses, and if I were your family I would feel that you were in a cult and putting it before respect for your loved ones. I don’t think you get an easy pass because of ‘religion’.

WTAF? Why would you not teach them about funerals? I’m an ardent Atheist but I cannot imagine not teaching my(currently hypothetical children) about religions.

But OP WHAT IS YOUR BELIEF SYSTEM??? You’ve referred to it constantly yet never explained it other than to say funerals are for the dead and too traumatic….

You're talking about it like you are starting a new religion. Which is a bit worrying.

MIL is not the only person grieving. For those who live far away the funeral is the only time to meet with the wider family and not only grieve together: but celebrate FIL’s life together. Share stories, talk about him. Deciding not to go because you’ve, ahem, “done enough” is incredibly rude both to FIL and the relatives who have got together for him.

Quite frankly this was not about you or the emotional labour you already invested. It was about FIL and sharing time with all who loved him. You’ve been very weird about this and made it about yourselves.

My other half is under strict instructions for me not to have a funeral, and to chuck my ashes off Brighton pier, my happiest place growing up then go get a slap up supper at the fish n chip shop on the pier
I think this is just as selfish. Expecting people to behave in a certain way about me after I am dead and it can have zero impact on me is egotistical in the extreme. I can't imagine dictate to anyone how they should remember me after I'm dead. It's none of my business and entirely about what they want or need

It sounds like your DH is just cowardly like the men who make up "manly" excuses for why they can't do things like support their partner in labour or wash the dishes. You've fallen for these excuses and embodied them.

Ot literally reminds me of this influencer who has fallen for her husband's belief that he shouldn't change their daughter's nappies because it will get her accustomed to showing men her private parts.

Funerals are to support the family members more than the deceased

Funerals are always full of hypocrisy. You do you and forget the others . You did absolutely nothing wrong

When your kids are grown up, if they choose to marry in a church, will you go to their weddings?

A funeral is a mourning ritual that celebrates the life of someone who died. Organising a funeral is the last act someone can do for their loved one.

Your MIL is grieving. She may not have ‘judged’ you but she also does not have the energy of brandwith to do so, or may not have vocalised it.

It borders on spite telling your sister in law WHOSE DAD JUST DIED that it was her turn to do something.

you seem like what you lack in compassion you make up in sanctimony. Multiple posters have called you out on your response to someone who just lost their dad, but not once have you responded with anything showing any acknowledging why that would be distressing to them. No emotion whatsoever.

Do your DC go to school, read books, watch tv? Have they never seen a hearse go past them whilst out walking? Seen a churchyard?

You're missing my point, I wasn't really commenting on the funeral issue. I was commenting on the fact that you say you put emphasise on doing as much as you can for people while they are living, but your behaviour towards your MIL, SIL etc directly undermines that claim.

I went to my sister's funeral and I also look at photos of her frequently, we talk about her, think about her. "Saying goodbye" at a funeral doesn't mean you never think of them again. It is about processing what has happened, there's obviously the physical side of the body's journey to the grave or cremation, but it's also a social part of the grieving process. I appreciate that you don't feel the need for this, but many people do and sometimes we get on and do things because it's the right thing to do. Funerals are difficult and sad,. no-one actually wants to go to one. I find it very odd that you don't see this. Caring for them before death and going to the funeral are separate events, they don't cancel each other out.

What I’ve stated is that we are teaching them about everything not just what we believe in ? There’s no indoctrination at all as when they are older they will be taught everything and allowed to choose themselves? I’m not going to make them feel bad if they for example
decide to be Church of England and go to all the funerals they are invited to I’d rather they lived by what we do but they are individuals they may not choose the same as us and that’s fine.

So they will think dead people just dissappear ?

So so wrong

Children need to come to terms with the cycle of birth, life, death and funerals are part of that
You are choosing not to let your children slowly experience this, so you are foisting your "belief system" on them

we try to include those who have passed into daily life still rather than drawing a ‘they are gone’ line under them.

I'm trying to understand where you're coming from, @Bluehummingbird , and this is the nearest I can come to seeing a positive element to your belief.

I agree with your earlier post, that indicates that you realise that you've not explained this to family as well as you could have.

I still think that attending the funeral of a parent, to support the remaining parent, is an imperative, but I'm guessing that your neuro-diversity is relevant here. Your MIL seems incredibly understanding, but I'd be suprised if she would have chosen for you not to be there, and to have to field everyone's questions about your absence.

It's too late now, but in your place (or rather, your husband's) I think I'd have asked for a message to be read at the funeral, explaining that while others are gathering together, your are finding your own way of recognising and remembering FIL.

Break the cycle of going to funerals? 🤨

Anyhoo, I'd get used to being given the side eye regarding your belief system.
I suppose yanbu unreasonable to not want to go, but everyone else isn't being unreasonable to question it and think it's very odd. Which it is.