We are being labelled disrespectful and I disagree over funeral

[Bluehummingbird]

We don’t agree with so don’t attend funerals. It’s part of a wider belief system we have devised part of it being to see those we care about as much as possible and do as much as we can for anyone we love who is ill or needs support.

Recently FIL passed after a long illness. We helped with care, spent a lot of time with him and supported MIL which we continue to do. We were with him in hospital and were able to say goodbye.

The issue is that we didn’t go to the funeral. We’ve had nasty comments from family members (who never bothered to see him or help MIL as they ‘lived too far away’ and who managed to travel though to the funeral and stuff their faces afterwards as they told us they even managed to take food for the journey home then the next sentence calling us out for behaviour).

SIL said it wasn’t fair she had to step up to help with funeral arrangements. I said to her ‘we arranged the care, we did all the hospital appts, I cleaned the house for MIL and we looked after the dog when they needed a break so it was your turn to do something’

Everyone is saying dh can’t have been able to say goodbye properly but he did - in the hospital? It’s like we don’t need to physically go to church each week to feel close to god or worship we don’t feel the need to go to a set place on a set day to say goodbye to someone who isn’t there any more and we find it performative.

I know most people do funerals but I’m struggling with having to repeatedly explain our position on this and we try to be good people and want to be judged on our actions for the last few years not for the 1 hour service and then the few hours after wake that we missed ?

If it was because it would be too upsetting then I get it. But it seems just out of principle which could seem selfish.

I mean nobody 'likes' funerals. They're often quite formal and sad and some of the things people say about the deceased you don't really recognise. But you go there to support the dead persons family.

You're absence has been noted because it's disrespectful. You cant offset it by saying "but you didn't visit him in hospital and I did"

You have never been to a family funeral so this belief is just based on your idea of what one is like? I’m starting for feel so sorry for your DH. He never had a choice.

No

I think your husband not being there has distracted from the experience for his mother and I think the memory of her husbands funeral has been tarnished which is a real shame, most people want their loved ones to "have a nice send off". I think you amd your husband need to accept that.

Well there is because one person is dead and therefore incapable of conscious thought. There are lots of grieving people who are though and will have to continue their lives with this death as part of their journey.

Nb, not saying that the reason people go to a funeral is to prevent gossip , its just that it's so usual to attend them that it will cause speculation not to go.

But you can’t have a funeral for the benefit of the dead person because they are dead

unless you believe in afterlife which isn’t common across all cultures

No I haven’t but i obviously understand the concept and it’s never been for me. It was only when I met dh and he had such strong views about it that I gave it a lot more though and as our relationship developed we came up with our belief system

I understand, some of my husbands family decided no more funerals as there'd been many and it's an ordeal.

In your situation, the share of care was uneven AND there are other people to help organise the funeral so in your very specific case its fair enough, however if everyone had the same belief and there weren't many in the family or the care prior to death had been even, if someone had same belief someone else would inevitably have to step up and fill that void. So it's a tricky one, but in your case, because you did so much care while the relative was alive, then it evens out.

I agree with you OP I supported my Mum for over ten years with dementia being her main carer for some . Visited her in her care home most days and was with her when she passed. I think it is very much about what you do to make their life better while they are alive. I didn’t have a funeral for mum who passed recently as I could not face it basically was getting physical symptoms of stress. Everyone was supportive to my decision though and I appreciated that. Some people made remarks about a good send off but I will do a memorial when I feel up to it. I appreciated the few people who made an effort to see her when she had dementia.

I will clarify again the funeral issue is just a small part of the belief system

I'm really curious about the rest of your belief system. I have one myself I guess, I'm Christian, so I'm not judging you for having one.

Is it individual to you, have you put it together based on what feels right in your life? Eg we don't like going to funerals so we're not going? We don't like thinking of people as dead so we're going to continue to refer to them in the present tense? Your ways of spending lots of time with people while they are alive is nice, and remembering them when they are dead.

Does your belief system extend to other areas of life or is it just around death?

Doesn’t the fact that Op and her DH did all of the care for FIL and helping MIL through it all (obviously excluding the funeral) also say something about who they are? Op has listed all the things they helped with daily so I think you’re very wrong to say it’s because he ‘couldn’t be bothered’. You're negatively judging who they are because you don’t agree with not going to the funeral yet you’re not judging their family that didn’t step up when help was needed when in fact it was the family members not stepping up because they couldn’t be bothered!!

Genuinely confused. You 'don't believe' in funerals...what do you think should happen then? What would happen if everyone just didn't believe in funerals? And surely even if you 'don't believe' in them, you go to support your loved ones who are still here? i am not surprised others are confused and angry with you.

Fair enough. People might understand more if you actually told us more about this belief system? Is it an established faith/religious group of something you've made up yourselves?

The SIL did nothing for her parents when the were alive. The OP was correct that it was her turn to step up.

OK this is just batshit.
So every day when you say "bye" to your colleagues or at every quick catch up with family you're treating that as the last time you might ever see them?

And refusing to talk about dead people in the past tense is just odd.
Can't you see how much pain it might cause your MIL if you go around saying things like "Dad loves these biscuits" "Bob hates that song, doesnt he" "ooh Bob will be pleased with that Man U score" as if he's still around, when he's obviously not?

It sounds as if your "belief system" is very self centred despite you trying to present it as the opposite.

Basically the poster who said "own it" has the best advice. In the same way that people who homeschool, call their kids very unusual names or make any choices outside the mainstream have to put a hard hat on.

Honestly, OP, I think you're completely failing to live by your stated "belief system" at the moment, because you are not behaving in a supportive way towards those who are still alive. You failed to support your MIL appropriately through what would have been one of the most important moments in her life. You made a very cold and heartless comment to your SIL about arranging the funeral. You've made horrible judgmental comments about your DH's aunt and uncle.

If you find funerals too difficult to cope with because of your ND, then that is fair enough - if you're honest about this, most people will understand and make allowances. But making it about all about some sort of misplaced belief system will inevitably lead to judgment.

You seem to have an image of yourselves as being incredibly caring and supportive towards the living, but that is not what is coming through from your posts.

So your interpretation is that people should go to funerals to support others who are grieving. That is your interpretation.

So many people don't die with their relatives now, that the funeral has become the biggest aspect of swing goodbye. This has changed the shift to the importance of the funeral rather than the bedside goodbye imo

I was too late to say goodbye to my mum or she decided she wanted to go before I got back - and the funeral was important, with my dad he was holding my hand and the funeral was really not important and I couldn't wait to leave, not out of disrespect but because it was a formality - the love and goodbyes had been shared at home

Sorry for your loss and I say good on you. If this is what you and yours wanted then do it your way. To me you've shown nothing but strength, with the looking after parents all the way through and being strong enough to not cave into pressure. I hope that MIL was supportive of your choice. I would pay no attention to others making judgement, funerals are peculiar things and for a bit of whataboutery, if you lived on the other side of the world and couldn't make it coz you broke a leg, would people be judging you so much?

My other half is under strict instructions for me not to have a funeral, and to chuck my ashes off Brighton pier, my happiest place growing up then go get a slap up supper at the fish n chip shop on the pier. He jokes and asks if he has to wait until I am dead first... charming.

I don’t actually think it was unreasonable to say. Why shouldn’t his own daughter help?

A bit unusual not to attend a funeral, but I think it’s becoming more common.
Funerals will happen less and less, due to cost

I think your belief system is very unusual. Maybe it is your prerogative to not attend the funeral of a parent / parent in law, but it's very unusual and you can't expect others not to be surprised. I'm not one for big funerals either as such but family funerals where people gather to remember a loved one and catch up with others don't really feel "performative" to me. Also describing someone who has come a long way to pay their respects as "stuffing their faces", when perhaps they were just, you know, eating the offered food as they were hungry, is very odd. Finally, it does usually fall to the relatives who live nearest to take the poor person to various appointments. I do this for my FIL because we live much nearer to him than his daughter. That's just how it is and I'm glad to do it.

I did everything for my mum when she was alive, and my dsis did nothing. We planned the funeral together.

You can't claim to care about the living and then treat them in a completely cold and heartless way.

@BluehummingbirdI recommend adopting the mantra,"what anyone thinks of me is none of my business". Prior to his death you put your FIL/MIL needs above your own. You supported and cared for them. You are still supporting your MIL. You are kind and compassionate.

The decision to attend the funeral or not, was entirely your own to make. Choosing not to go was not wrong, it what was right for you and your husband. The person who matters most in the aftermath, your MIL, understands, so you're good. It's ok to put your own comfort/needs first sometimes.