Feeling so sad about kids Christmas lists

[drivinmecrazy]

Normally our kids (not so much kids than young adults) would ask for the moon on a stick and we’d strive to produce that and a perfect Christmas.

this year, like many, has been tougher than most.

so I’ve given them a £200 budget, or there about.

they seem quite ok with that but I’m feeling really mean yet I don’t know why.

For context they are 20 & 24.

help me to feel better about this please.

we could indulge them more but luckily they’re not in need or want of big ticket items this year so it would seem a waste. If they were we’d obviously stretch for that.

one DD has her birthday just before Christmas so her birthday budget will remain unchanged obviously.

still can’t help but feeling a little bit miserly cos we could stretch things.

I guess I’m remembering their huge piles on Christmas Day when they were little but it’s so not the same 😞

Kids? Only 200 quid? Each? Ffs

Go to charity shops and spend 200 quid on each adult kid and then buy heaps of stuff to wrap up
Then you can have a massive pile

Agree with some PP. You need to find a better way to get that dopamine rush that you get from the sight of a pile of wrapped presents. Christmas can still be worthwhile and meaningful with adult children even it some things are different. Could you focus more on the Christmas meal or some sort of activity that you all do together instead?

A few years ago I started to feel really uncomfortable about what I saw as our OTT spending at Christmas (and we spent a lot less than £200 on our adult sons).
So, inspired by a friend who'd done the same, I suggested a family Secret Santa. They jumped at it - meant they didn't have to rack their brains for presents for everyone, or make polite noises over things they didn't especially want.
We've done it for several years, and now their partners are included too. It works really well for us - though I confess I do still do stockings for everyone (and my husband does one for me)

I have four kids between the ages of 20 and 26 and will just be giving them a maximum of £200 each. Two are earning more than we do and two are Uni students getting significant help from us.

this has been the first year when we’ve decided not to do the whole present thing,

How is spending £200 on each "not doing the present thing"?

Do you have the first idea of how lucky you are to have £400 to spend on your adult kids? Yet you're feeling sorry for yourself? It's hardly as if all you can afford is a stocking with an orange in it

This OP is exactly the reason why Christmas makes me depressed

"Only £200"?

You're measuring your love for your adult kids on how much stuff you get them. We are bombarded by exhortations to SPEND and CONSUME at every turn. I'm not even religious but the meaning of Christmas has been entirely and irrevocably lost. It's a spending and waste festival.

Those items are on a lot of tweens Xmas lists. Not even teenagers.

If at 20, you are getting the same gifts as a tween- there’s something up. It comes across not only, as an adult who has been infantilised by a parent, but borderline creepy.

Dude, they're grown ups. I thought from your thread title that they were 5 and 6!

Give your head a wobble.

I feel sad for your adult children having such an immature parent.

If it helps, our family’s budget has long been about £100 per person. It’s what my parents have spent on me and my brother (very much adults!) since we were late teens (about 15-20 years ago). They are really generous and still do this (the reason I know what they spend is that my mum likes to give me a breakdown 😂). Now I think about it, this probably coincided with when they finished paying off their mortgage and could afford to spend more. It’s roughly what I now spend on them. I’ve never thought about it before but this hasn’t been adjusted for inflation!! £100 always felt and sounded like a large amount of money and still does, so £200 sounds a lot to me. Is the issue that you usually spend more?

It’s time to embrace a more adult, people focussed, less consumerist season. Tbh I struggle myself. I loved the excitement of my little kids with their huge an exciting presents from Santa. Teens wanted smaller, more expensive stuff they couldn’t afford and still enjoyed little extras (tat) but adults tend to just buy things they need and you can never replace the excitement of a 5yo in a man of 24.
I have 2 in secondary schools, a student and a low earning but working adult. I’m trying to not be wasteful but not make it too sterile for the small ones. This is my first no stocking year - I’ve resented it for the last couple of years but it’s just silly now and I can’t get relatively inexpensive things that they want like when they were tiny (styrofoam aeroplane, comic) or young teens (lip balm, lynx). I’m trying to not be like my mum who is exactly like the pps with the Chanel perfume and the headphones - you ask for something, you get a shit version of it but a load of stuff you haven’t asked for that ends up costing more. My mum still buys me shit and I don’t like it - I don’t want the stuff and I don’t want to be opening stuff while she looks on expecting me to be thrilled so I have absolutely no reason to think my kids will enjoy it. I’m going to have a conversation with mine to see whether they want any “tat” at all (I usually get them pjs, socks, toiletries etc that they use put probably don’t care much about now they are older) and whether they still even want wrapped presents at all.

not RTFT but your post is ludicrous - I thought it was going to be a Mum struggling to accommodate the desires of two kids under 10 on very slim pickings. Have a word with yourself there are Mums on here facing actual hardship this Christmas

I moved out at 18, had a baby at 19, was married at 22 and have no contact with my parents. Lego, a jellycat, PJs and a Pandora charm sound like lovely Christmas presents; they aren't an indication that an adult has been infantilised at all.

I get it. My dc are 27&24 and I was sp for a lot of their childhood. I used to get into debt every single year to spoil them, I guess its sp guilt. Now I'm older and have disposable income, I still spoil them. My dp says thought you were cutting down this year. Who cares, its my money and I still like spoiling them 😁
They are genuinely not that bothered about what they get though.
You cut your cloth to suit

I get them gig tickets and a Christmas stocking that's full of consumables. Sorted.

This.

Only slightly older than your kids. At that age if I wanter “big” gifts like tech etc I’d have bought it for myself or my DP would buy it for me.

As an adult I prefer it when my parents buy me more ‘traditional’ gifts- new PJs/slippers, Lush gift set, new book- my Dad’s started to chose a cook book to buy me each year which is a lovely new tradition! Other things that have gone down well- fancy water bottle/coffee cup, used every day, jumbo pot of favourite face cream, gift set from favourite make up brand- all used every day!

Exactly. We have never spent £200 on our children for Christmas, since they hit adulthood. Maybe £100 - but that's the most. Sometimes it's £75-80.

As previous posters have said, if my ADULT children want any particular thing, they buy it themselves, because ya know, they're adults!

If you will miss the browsing/shopping why not buy childrens bits for the foodbank eg selection boxes, hats & gloves etc. Or phone duty social services/your local school and offer to donate for kids/a family who would have nothing. Enjoy the shopping & changing a life.
Both you and a family in need would benefit

I’ve never received a present from my parents (now one parent) that exceeded that amount. I usually get a toiletry set and some socks. Stop being so silly.

£200 is the budget my parents always had for me and my sister growing up.

I do think you’re being ridiculous. Christmas is not about money or gifts.

Plus they’re in their twenties!!!!!

I'm sorry, what.

Not being snarky, promise, but I'm genuinely confused. Do you have two adult children and a younger one(s)? Who writes the lists, the adults or younger ones? Jellycats, pandora charms, lego plant, is this for children?

I really don't understand what's going on here. At 24 I was married, in my own house, with DD on the way. This wasn't a 100 years ago, I'm 37 now. Ok, I did it early, but I just can't imagine writing letters to Santa and asking for lego plants at that age. My own DD is 13 now and she asked for Deftones tickets, vintage American cowboy boots and some cool bootcut jeans.

One of the massive pluses of being an adult, is that you can buy your own stuff. Exactly to your taste and needs. And you don't need any special occasion for it, just buy it when you want it/need it (dependant on circs).

If you want to gift them something, gift them one thing, but something normal and nice, tickets to a gig, perfume, higher end makeup items, tickets to theater, some really nice boots, well whatever they're interested in. I can't be the only one who'd rather get one decent and good present, and 200 can get you something nice, than a pile of childish crap? Otherwise, you don't have to do it, they're adults.

Exactly this. A calendar, some maltesers, a bottle of wine, a gift set of shower gel and body spray, and a pair of Christmas socks, would be the typical set of gifts my parents would get me for Christmas. (Once I hit 16 years of age.)

I was working at 16, and had my own money, and I bought them gifts, and spent as much as they spent on me! The idea of stressing over buying gifts (worth way more than £200) for adults in their 20s, is bizarre!

Good grief. Just listen to yourself…