Feeling so sad about kids Christmas lists

[drivinmecrazy]

Normally our kids (not so much kids than young adults) would ask for the moon on a stick and we’d strive to produce that and a perfect Christmas.

this year, like many, has been tougher than most.

so I’ve given them a £200 budget, or there about.

they seem quite ok with that but I’m feeling really mean yet I don’t know why.

For context they are 20 & 24.

help me to feel better about this please.

we could indulge them more but luckily they’re not in need or want of big ticket items this year so it would seem a waste. If they were we’d obviously stretch for that.

one DD has her birthday just before Christmas so her birthday budget will remain unchanged obviously.

still can’t help but feeling a little bit miserly cos we could stretch things.

I guess I’m remembering their huge piles on Christmas Day when they were little but it’s so not the same 😞

For context, since I began working full time I've given my mom a nice gift every Christmas, not expecting anything in return because she has sacrificed and done so much for me.

"a perfect Christmas" does not equal expensive presents. But that aside, for many people £200 per child on gifts is very generous indeed.

But your children are adults - by that age in our wider family the 'children' are treated like any other adult in the family - receiving a couple of nice things but no pile of presents.

Try to think of it like this: you're being mindful in their future by not buying piles of 'tat' that won't bring them joy. Christmas is about joy and creating it together. Not piles of stuff.

We write Christmas lists in our family - me, DH, DS and his partner on our family WhatsApp- that’s how we all know what to buy each other. I would have thought that was quite normal? I don’t think OP means her DC are still writing to Santa!

I stopped doing the piles of tat when DS was around 15/16. I realised that I was buying stuff for the sake of it when it was stuff he neither wanted or needed. Nowadays it’s normally branded clothing - perhaps joggers and a hoody, then a couple of small price things like toiletries or some food/drink.

I would assume that if people have adult children still living at home in their early 20s, that they are being subsidised financially to some extent anyway.

I spend £40 each on my two children. That's all I can afford. These threads depress me. Who are all these people with so much to spare, a pile of presents is excessive

You're sending a message to them that a great Christmas is largely about money / a huge pile of presents. This is not doing them any favours. What about when they go through lean times with kids of their own - is this how you want them to feel?

Make it more about enjoying Christmas music, TV, going to Christmas markets etc - age appropriate and fun but not reliant on cold hard cash!

Humblebrag.

You need to let go of a stage that has passed and embrace a new one appropriate to where you all are now. As our DC grow up, what we provided for them as children becomes unnecessary and inappropriate. Two of my adult DC outearn me by some margin and it would be ridiculous for me to continue to behave as if my gifts to them were their only means to the things they wanted and needed as was the case when they were dependent. Equally ridiculous to assume the huge pile of relatively cheap toys bought for young children can be visually replicated by the smaller more expensive gifts you'd buy an adult.
You understandably have a Christmas vision in mind based on tradition and nostalgia, but the time has come to evolve it to fit a new life stage.
I concentrate on thoughtful and unusual things they may not think to get for themselves, luxuries, just nice to have things.

I'm sure that your children will be very happy with what you do for Christmas, you'll have given them thoughtful gifts. Some people just have a lot of disposable income; I often think that when I read about all the baby showers, hen parties and expensive weddings on here! That's just the way it is.
I'm sure you'll make it memorable for your children and you'll have a lovely time 🎄

Honestly OP, the joy is being all healthy and well, altogether for another Christmas.

Not the tat you buy.
I have adult children and it is a stocking of their favourite chocolate and a money transfer to their account.
They love it as THEY get to spend it on themselves.

You need to reframe your thinking.
People do not remember gifts of tat, they remember the happy relaxed atmosphere, the roaring fires, the cosiness, being together, and their favourite food.

My 80+ DM has done this for some years. The charity stuff and Freecycle stuff is usually well chosen, she loves doing it, we all have a huge laugh opening it (siblings are 50's and 60's, plus partners and 11 grandchildren), there are some new bits and pieces in there too and anything that isn't wanted goes back to the charity shop - so they win twice.

Had to do a double take when I got to the end of the OP and saw the “kids” ages. I was working full time at that age, my parents certainly would never have told me a spending budget because for Christmas presents because it’s supposed to be about the thought not the material value.

You need to give your head a wobble OP, some people don’t have a pot to piss in and you’re whinging about £200. And if your children whinge, tell them to be more grateful.

also hate having to wake DH and DD1 up because DD2 and i have been sitting on our hands singing carols from 6am

What?

I understand that feeling OP. We are too cutting down this Xmas as my husband hadsbeen made redundant. My kids are at uni and I still love buying them stuff. They are as happy with a Uniqlo T shirt as a Ralph Lauren jumper. When I apologise in advance, they look at me as if I am crazy. They love the atmosphere at Xmas and the simplicity and coziness of being home and eating delicious food. The gifts are just a fun bonus.

We often do this kind of thing for ourselves as parents. I love giving gifts and I am very good at it. But the joy is mine and it’s actually for me to adjust this year, more than my kids.

I saw this
"We shut the doors and isolate ourselves for 24 hours and it’s pure bliss."
..and thought Yikes!

It's not just presents that are going to change OP.

Your children are growing up and they might have girlfriends or boyfriends that they would like to join you, or that they want time to pop out and see. Then girlfriends and boyfriends will turn into partners and perhaps husbands and wives, and grandchildren might come along.

They might want to split their day with inlaws, do alternate years with in-laws, have xmas in their own home, have xmas as their own nuclear family or abroad and that is all perfectly natural.

You need to treasure the memories of your family Christmas but allow your kids to grow up.

I can’t get relatively inexpensive things that they want like when they were tiny (styrofoam aeroplane, comic) or young teens (lip balm, lynx).
Why not?
I'm 50 and I'd be delighted with a stocking with a magazine or Private Eye or something in it. Not to mention a lip balm or a small hand cream or similar.

For a lot of posters this just seems to be about wanting to get back their own enjoyment of watching their kids be excited about piles of presents.

My mum does this and honestly it’s incredibly irritating, no matter how many times I say please stop buying so much she doesn’t listen. And she does the same for my kids as well. So we end up with a bunch of tat that no one wants and doesn’t get used that I then have to donate or it just sits there unused.

If you want to be buy bits to look like there’s more then at least buy things you know they use, like any specific toiletries or food items that they will buy themselves anyway. At least that’s not wasted.

They are on my 18 year old DD's list; she's autistic and the sensory aspects of Lego and Jellycats just work for her!

Our dc are 20,26 and 28.
i do stockings still for everyone in the house on Christmas morning but over the years these have changed from silly little things to useful things that they want - often food items ,favourite bottle of alcohol,luxury tea etc that they like and are used .
i then buy one gift per older dd as they are living/ engaged with their partner.
they really don’t need more stuff just because that’s what they enjoyed as children and more so you enjoy buying.
its such a waste !
this year it’s a restaurant voucher each for a meal in their favourite restaurant with their partner.
dd3 is a student so she will get money and a couple of bits she wants.

Honestly I almost choked on my cuppa at that one!

Although I am 52 and my DM and DSIS's (both in their 40s) would still buy me a pile of tat if they could, I have to be firm and specific every year and ask for one token thing and one thing only. It's madness - but I have quite an enmeshed family anyway (I am the black sheep thankfully! 😂)

My DS (33), lived away since he was 18, has just mentioned about submitting a wish list - must admit I was slightly taken aback!

I hope this is a joke post.

My dc are 19 and 21, I still love spoiling them at Christmas, youngest is severely autistic so still in education and very reliant on me, eldest just finished uni and working part time. I have bought then 5 things each and we still do stockings. Dd2 needed an iPad but I have used her PIP money to pay for it so technically it’s not a gift as such. I have probably spent around £100 on top on the iPad and around £100 on dd1, not including stocking gifts. They did both want passes to a local attraction but I have told dd1 this will be her birthday gift in January as it’s just too much.

I totally understand how you feel op, I love Christmas and love buying gifts but they are adults. I was 21 when I had dd and my parents wouldn’t have spent more than £50 on me (same as they still do now), I was earring my own money and not living at home.

We do a stocking and a family baking competition, the kids love the time and attention.

A 'pile' of gifts is not the love language you think it is

Same for my DC’s, I am not sure why people think op is joking. Lots of young people collect jellycats or/and Lego, especially ND adults.