Feeling so sad about kids Christmas lists

[drivinmecrazy]

Normally our kids (not so much kids than young adults) would ask for the moon on a stick and we’d strive to produce that and a perfect Christmas.

this year, like many, has been tougher than most.

so I’ve given them a £200 budget, or there about.

they seem quite ok with that but I’m feeling really mean yet I don’t know why.

For context they are 20 & 24.

help me to feel better about this please.

we could indulge them more but luckily they’re not in need or want of big ticket items this year so it would seem a waste. If they were we’d obviously stretch for that.

one DD has her birthday just before Christmas so her birthday budget will remain unchanged obviously.

still can’t help but feeling a little bit miserly cos we could stretch things.

I guess I’m remembering their huge piles on Christmas Day when they were little but it’s so not the same 😞

My parents have never, ever spent that much on me or my sister!

I think it's time for a dose of reality for your young adults and maybe for you too.

Christmas is a lovely time of the year but a good Christmas doesn't make up for a shit rest of the year because you've blown the budget. Someone I know asked their teen - adult kids - Would they prefer heating or gifts this christmas? Because she couldn't afford both. Tough choice but better to face the reality than have a 5 min fantasy of a perfect life opening gifts only to be really cold the rest of the winter.
Model sensible money choices - they are most definitely old enough for it.

God yes.

I have a family member who is obsessed with gifts. And piles of presents. So she buys loads of shit from Temu. Last year I got a novelty mug with the caramel sweets from the quality street tin in it., A small plastic manicure set. A plastic glittery santa bookmark and this strange plastic 'card wallet' which was like half a wallet. Just one side only. I've never seen anything like it.

Every year I suggest we 'don't do presents' for each other. Or perhaps we just go out for a nice quiet lunch and she wails 'But i LOVE giving presents'.

I just put the things away for charity-shopping outside of our neighbourhood so she does not stumble across it or they go in the bin. It's the most shocking waste of money and I always get a sinking feeling at the sheer waste.

There’s people on these boards that can’t even afford any presents for their primary aged kids. Or Christmas food.

And also to add- my DH likes buying 'things' for gifts. Every year he asks me what i want and I suggest we go away for a weekend with the DCs together. THAT is what I want.

He just says that going away as a family isn't a present and so I get another necklace or something which - honestly- I'd rather just be with the family.

In other words- listen to them about tat.

The piles always get smaller as kids get older.

Since I left home at 18 I've had a £100 bank transfer from my folks pretty much every Christmas, after which I transfer them back 50 quid each. I'd be fuming if they bought me 200 quids worth of tat.

Gosh my mum has bought me a box of Guylian each year since I left home at 16. 😂
Your adult children are not hard done by at all. They have more spent on them than a lot of actual children do, including my own.

£200 per child is more than I can afford.

Great reply- read this one.

MIL buys us bags of tat every year, despite us asking her not to. At one point she listened and stopped but it’s crept back again. Honestly, it all goes to the charity shop after.

Get them some quality chocolate or biscuits (1 thing each!) and have that as your extra item. Otherwise I would stick to their list of suggestions. Perhaps put the money you might’ve spent in a savings account so you can appreciate seeing what you saved.

£200 per adult child is a lot.

Maybe your kids don’t have the same memories you do? In the nicest way possible maybe they now think of it this as the day they have to pretend to be six again and by their own admission their mum gives them ‘piles of tat.’ You are up from 6 am singing Christmas carols? Waiting for one child to come down?!

It sounds like a Christmas for much younger kids rather than two adults who stopped being kids many years ago.

What is their role over Christmas? Do they make the main meal? Do they get you presents? (I am assuming the 24 year old earns…).

Do they want another Pandora bracelet or a PJ or are they in January rolling their eyes and stuffing it in a drawer never to be seen again?!

I’m surprised they’re still doing lists at 20 and 24.

I think we all miss Christmas past for different reasons.

One of my adult children has their first home so this year we will go there for Boxing Day and hopefully the younger generation will start taking over some of the hosting!

I assumed these kids were something like 13 and 11! Is building presents up like this ‘a thing’ for adult children these days? Will they even care? All I cared about that age was spending time with family and friends!

@drivinmecrazy my ex is a bit like this, buys tons of little things as he loves the kids to have lots to open on Xmas day. However this year I had to do a massive clear out and couldnt believe the amount of tat that had been accumulated. Really made me realise we needed to rethink this, get a few quality things. I think 200 is a massive amount for that age anyway and you could easily get some nice stuff.

Maybe what you're also missing is choosing the gifts? It's very odd to have a list as an adult and I think big piles of gifts are a chore once you're an adult.

We've always had a fixed number of presents so Christmas expectations are well managed and have been since the beginning. We've never done the "piles of presents", Christmas isn't really about that for our family.
That said, Mumsnet is generally all about the piles of presents and overspending (and the "does this sound enough?" threads that list 50 things and a budget of 2k per kid).so you are not alone, OP.
Fwiw my kids would be thrilled with a budget of £200 each. It's token gifts for us this year, life's a bit tough. But I still can't wait for the holidays, playing games, walking to see the lights, Christmas films. Perfect. (My children are in their late teens and 20s, I cannot wait for them to be home for the hols)

I understand how you feel, but at those ages you need to let go of the need to buy loads of stuff just so they have loads of presents. I have huge age gaps between my children, so it is hard to look at the couple of presents that my 21 year old gets standing next to the pile of presents that my 4 year old receives. But then I remind myself that she has more spare money than we do, and it would be ridiculous to spend more on her when there are actual kids to buy for.

When my boy was turning 16 last year he declared that this would be his last Christmas because he didn’t think he’d get presents after 16. You are being ridiculous- they can all afford to provide for themselves surely.

This.

when are you planning to stop treating them like children?

I am retiring this year and have told my adult children that from now on there will be changes. I am sure they understand and will be grateful that you will treat them.

Well £200 is generous for young adults, but -

There's nothing wrong with feeling sad about if - it's probably more about missing Christmas with little kids than the look itself.

Teens and adults tend to what experiences / one big ticket item / small bits like make up so it's never going to look the same even if it cost the same

You need to find a way - perhaps create some new traditions - to embrace the Christmases you have now

Tat and excessive presents really do become landfill and wreck the planet, so even if you have grandkids and get kid Christmases back, you will need to dial that down cos the world has changed

You're grieving for a time that is long gone, which is common, but it's time to let go and embrace how things are now. They seem happy with a smaller budget (still big imho) and less stuff, so focus on the other things you can provide: a lovely meal followed by fun card or board games with a magical atmosphere. Living in the past will make you miserable; be here now and make the most of the present.

Some chocolate and a few little surprises is all any adult needs. I would have been mortified if my mum had told me she was going to spend £200 on me when I was a grown adult!
They still write lists at 20 and 24….?

I remember being an adult and my Mum still buying me loads of tat for xmas. It felt depressing because it was stuff i didnt want and yet she felt the need for buying “bits”

nowadays we don’t buy for each other. It feels silly