Feeling so sad about kids Christmas lists

[drivinmecrazy]

Normally our kids (not so much kids than young adults) would ask for the moon on a stick and we’d strive to produce that and a perfect Christmas.

this year, like many, has been tougher than most.

so I’ve given them a £200 budget, or there about.

they seem quite ok with that but I’m feeling really mean yet I don’t know why.

For context they are 20 & 24.

help me to feel better about this please.

we could indulge them more but luckily they’re not in need or want of big ticket items this year so it would seem a waste. If they were we’d obviously stretch for that.

one DD has her birthday just before Christmas so her birthday budget will remain unchanged obviously.

still can’t help but feeling a little bit miserly cos we could stretch things.

I guess I’m remembering their huge piles on Christmas Day when they were little but it’s so not the same 😞

They're adults, you don't do this.

If you haven't given them budgets before this naturally feels foreign and uncomfortable for you. Maybe alongside accepting they're young adults now? That's where this stems from, I think. Would they normally ask for something more expensive than this on Christmas?

I’d be gutted if my parents were sitting stressing about “only” being able to spend £200 on me when I was a grown adult!!

And I think it’s ridiculous that they’re writing lists and having gift expectations too tbh! Since I turned 18 it’s been a very much scaled back Christmas in terms of gifts - my parents give me either PJs/Slippers/a jumper, a book and some chocolates. Why would I need piles of tat?

I’m cutting down this year. My kids are 32, 21 and nearly 18. They’ve had years of huge piles (much to ex’s disgust as he doesn’t celebrate Christmas and sees it as a massive waste - and he’s not wrong really). But next year I am buying a house (after renting for 15yrs as i’m a single parent in the south east) and so I need to save my money plus DD is 18 and want to take her on a birthday trip. My mum raised maybe we don’t do gifts this year as none of us want them, and we all find it a stress so that’s good.

I don’t feel bad at all. Whenever I ask my kids what they want they say ‘I don’t know’. They have plenty of money in their savings accounts if they need anything and things end up going to waste.

I don’t want to be miserable about someone else’s Christmas, but surely no young adult wants piles of crap. By 20, we had started doing secret Santa and just buying one present each and getting one present each. Piles of toys are for little children and I would have been embarrassed to sit with a pile of wrapped gifts by that age. Your young adults will want to enjoy Christmas differently now and you can make some new memories and traditions with them.

i am unsure why you place so much value on material things like this? My DD makes a list every year and we onky get some of the items. Our household income is high. However we do indulge when it comes to things that shape their future eg tutors, classwa, uni costs etc

Can I offer a solution that might work? I actually understand what you mean about the trivial christmas bits as that's my favourite part too. What about doing them a stocking? A friend does one for everyone who sleeps over and she hangs them on the chairs for breakfast. Give yourself a limit of £20. They are full of small silly things. A festive shower gel, jar of jam, choc father Christmas, a rolled up magazine. Friend is great at charity shop/car boot shopping so it will often be a candle etc. She sometimes puts a tube of pringles or christmassy crisps. A bag of lebkuchen etc. Could this fill the gap you are missing?__

I’m always surprised at these threads why so many people think others buy tat . I don’t buy
tat no many how many presents I buy and neither does anyone else I know .

OP I don't know why so many people are being so dismissive of how you feel. It's normal to have a few pangs as your DC grow up and things change. I set my adult DC a budget of £150 each and £50 for their stockings. I put useful things in their stockings like car windscreen spray to get rid of ice, car air freshener, chocolate, shower gel, socks and pants and a book. My DC are older than yours and I won't see them all on Xmas day but I like to do their stockings. My MiL still does a stocking for DH and me. One thing we do though is have early Xmas this year it's weekend of 12th of December where I cook a Xmas dinner and we meet up. Friday evening we will go ice skating, Saturday we will go to paint a pot where they have Xmas decorations to paint and we all paint one and they get fired and I go back to collect 2 weeks later.

You lost me at 20 and 24. Come on. And please please listen to them when they say they don’t want piles of tat. One Christmas when I was 19 all I wanted was a bottle of Chanel perfume. That was literally all. Our budget was about £100 each and this perfume was going to be £52. I literally had to beg for it as my mother was also obsessed with ‘piles of stuff’ and if she spent half of her £100 on this perfume, it meant she wouldn’t be able to get the ‘pile of stuff’. It was such a drama. She was Completely ignoring the fact that I wanted just one thing. I’ve always been like that. One gift is enough. 4/5 in your 20s is fabulous. And it sounds like you make Christmas lovely for them too. They sound very lucky and you sound like a lovely mum so …time to let go and not feel bad.

I always had to work Christmas or New Year til I retired early in my 50’s. Everyone’s Christmas is different. For us if we are at home usually a big walk in the morning. Followed by Christmas dinner not always a traditional one because I don’t like conforming every year and we lived abroad for many years so Turkey wasn’t always available. Sometimes we go on holiday snowboarding and spend the evening in a spa. Sometimes we play board games but tbh I get bored of them easily. One thing we don’t do is buy loads of crap that will end up in landfill. £200 is plenty. My DC have both chosen careers that will also require them to work over holidays so I am sure mine and DH’s Christmas will change again. I am glad I am not a slave to the consumerism and made up expectations dressed up as traditions of Christmas. I can change mine up and feel no remorse what so ever.

Christ I don't think my parents have spent more than £30 on me since I was 18! You're being a bit daft

@caringcarer I think it’s normal to feel wistful about christmases past but I have never felt wistful about the number of presents I have given the DC. It’s more their excitement over santa, waking up hugely early, helping them buy presents.

OP focus on the parts that matter. Being together, playing games, the joy of giving presents that are very much wanted, a lovely meal.

My kids stopped wanting tat around age 13. Many of the young ones are very aware that tat is just not sustainable and we need to put those days behind us. It’s lovely that your kids have that awareness

Please listen to them about the tat , I have this conversation every year with my mum as the stuff just goes in a drawer and adds to the overwhelmed by clutter feeling - I’m talking manicure sets , cheap bubble bath sets I can’t use etc - all ends up being donated

Personally I think they are already beyond the point of age where they used to get a tidal wave of gifts for Christmas and now just receive one large gift which is how adults generally treat exchanging gifts at Christmas.

I was living with my now husband at 20 and had a one year old child by the time I was 24..... the amount of money spent on me at Christmas by my parents was definitely not the first thing on my mind at those ages. I think I would have peed myself laughing if my mother asked me to write a Christmas list.
Yes it is tough at the moment for young adults (the one year old I mentioned above is now 19) but we need to stop babying adults .

OP lost me when she said DD aged 20 wanted a Jelly Cat for Christmas 😂

No one should be buying tat, it’s landfill material and a waste of money.

I have grown up children (27 and 31). I don't understand the concept of piles of tat making a big pile of presents to open. That's wasteful. My mother did it for years despite being asked not to. It's all in landfill now and we all privately eyerolled.

The "children" get £150 each; their partners £100. It would be £100 but when they were teens I asked if they'd prefer the usual stocking or £30. They said £30. There's since been a bit of inflation.

My parents haven’t bought me a Christmas present at all since I was 20! You’re being ridiculous!!!

You’re a lovely mum 🥰 but you are over thinking. It’s not about the presents.
My parents lived in another country from the age of 18 and I rarely saw them, let alone had gifts. The gift is all being together and I really mean that.

Mine are similar ages. We'll get them one "big" present, though I try to keep that to under £100, and a few small items - I do understand wanting to get a big pile (though I also hate wasting money on things they don't really want, which is what has happened before) but both have jobs and they spend their own money on themselves regularly, so it doesn't make sense really. My parents used to buy me loads still in my 20s, mostly chosen by my dad, and often not things I wanted at all......

My mum died two years ago. We loved her and we miss her but we don't miss having to plough through mountains of unwanted tiny gifts every Christmas, all meticulously wrapped. Then 2 weeks later someone takes the pile of unwanted ephemera down to a charity shop.

Unless you are poverty stricken most adults in Western Europe have enough 'stuff'. We host a big family Christmas every year and we don't do presents anymore. A great meal, lovely drinks, karaoke and some party games always give us a day to remember with no landfill afterwards.

The best Xmas we had presentwise was the year we were all skint and decided to have a hand made Christmas. For example, My husband renovated his mum’s old bike for my daughter. Her partner sourced an unpublished short story by a famous author I loved for me. We made each other biscuits and cakes. We had a wonderful day and the long build up, where we were preparing our gifts, really did bring home the absurdity of buying “things” for the sake of it and the love you can pour into something you renovate or make.
The planet is on fire, people! It’s time to stop stoking the fire!

They're adults, and the amount is three times more than I've ever gotten at Christmas... I'm not religious, but I think the spirit of Christmas has been forgotten.